Two and a Half Men 2x15

Smell the Umbrella Stand

& Jake: Well, this is gonna be a sucky weekend.Charlie: Try spending it with an 11-year-old who does nothing but complain.Jake: You mean me?
    Charlie: Boy, no wonder they got to write your name in your underwear.

& Jake: What am I supposed to do?
    Charlie: Watch TV.
    Jake: There’s nothing on.
    Charlie: Play a video game.
    Jake: I’ve played them all.
    Charlie: Read a book.
    Jake: Yeah, right. Who’s the moron now?

& Charlie: What procedure?
    Alan: ... A colonoscopy.
    Charlie: Oh, jeez, Alan, that’s no big deal. They’re just gonna shove a camera up your ass.
    Alan: Okay, in all future references to this procedure... can we please use the word “glide” or “slide”... as opposed to “shove?”

& Berta: The sink’s stopped up again! That kid doesn’t know the difference between the garbage and the drain.
    Charlie: What do you want? He’s 11.
    Berta: That’s no excuse. If he can’t tell which hole is which at his age, he’s headed for trouble.
    Charlie: .........

& Alan: You could help me, you know.
    Jake: No, you’re doing okay.
    Alan: Where’s your clean underwear?
    Jake: I’m wearing it.
    Alan: That’s all you brought for the weekend?
    Jake: It’s only three days.
    Alan: All right, we’ll pick some up there.
    Jake: They’d last five days if I turn them inside out.

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& Jake: Uncle Charlie, what’s a colonoscopy?
    Charlie: Didn’t your dad tell you?
    Jake: He said it was just a test... and it was no big deal, so... I looked it up.
    Charlie: And?..
    Jake: I don’t believe it.
    Charlie: Believe it.
    Jake: Wouldn’t it be easier to go in the other way?
    Charlie: You’d think, but no.
    Jake: Why do they have to do it?
    Charlie: They just wanna see what’s going on.
    Jake: Did Dad lose something? Because when I swallowed 35 cents, we just waited for it to come out.
    Charlie: No kidding.
    Jake: Yeah, but I only got 30 cents back.
    Charlie: Well, the house always takes a cut.

& Jake: Twenty-one!
    Charlie: Turn over your hole card.
    Jake: ... Oh, 27.
    Charlie: Close, 29.

& Alan: Alrighty. Viva Las Vegas!
    Charlie: Oh, Alan.
    Alan: What?
    Charlie: We’re going in a Mercedes, not a time machine.

& Alan: Should I change?
    Charlie: You should, but after all these years, I doubt you will.

& Alan: We’re not going.
    Charlie: Oh, come on. It’s probably just something he ate.
    Alan: All right. What have you eaten in the last 24 hours?
    Jake: Well, let’s see, two bowls of Cocoa Puffs... a couple blueberry Pop-Tarts, bag of string cheese. That reminds me, we need more string cheese. Then, for lunch, a Hot Pocket and a Bagel Bite. Then dinner, fried chicken, mashed potatoes and a baloney sandwich.
    Alan: Okay, it’s not what he ate.
    Jake: Then, for a snack, I had a glass of Tang and some Cheetos.
    Charlie: That explains the orange vomit.
    Alan: It’s probably a stomach virus.
    Charlie: Oh, please. I throw up all the time. It’s just nature’s way of saying, “Everybody out of the pool.”

& Alan: Can we just drop it? It was a bad idea.
    Charlie: There are no bad ideas. There’s just a lack of will to execute them.

& Charlie: The point is, you can’t let your ex-wife control your behavior... no matter how stupid or self-destructive it might be.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.