End of the World as We Know It

Resident Alien 1×8

Asta Twelvetrees: No, no, no, no. Half your face is all wrong.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Offensive.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I am not from this planet. I am what your people call an extraterrestrial. An alien.
Asta Twelvetrees: Oh. Oh, I feel nauseous.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You may have a concussion from the fall.
Asta Twelvetrees: No, I think it's the extra-alien thing happening in front of me.

Asta Twelvetrees: She's gonna figure it out when she sees the scales on your face.
Harry Vanderspeigle: My people do not have scales. That's racist. You are thinking of the Reptilians.
Asta Twelvetrees: Who?
Harry Vanderspeigle: The Reptilians. Insidious creatures trying to take over the universe by using the Earth as a laboratory for hybridization... Don't worry. It will never happen. They're gross. They have major hygiene issues.
Asta Twelvetrees: Okay.

Asta Twelvetrees: You know, you being an alien sort of explains a lot.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I've been searching for something I lost up on this mountain.
Asta Twelvetrees: What do you mean? Like, a radio to phone home?
Harry Vanderspeigle: How did you guess?
Asta Twelvetrees: Uh... Well, all we know of aliens is from movies, so it's either a radio to phone home, or you're here to kill us... And eat us.
Harry Vanderspeigle: We do not eat humans.
Asta Twelvetrees: Okay.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Ha, ha, ha.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I took shelter in his cabin and used his DNA to take his identity.
Asta Twelvetrees: If he wasn't there, how'd you get his DNA?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Skin cells. They're everywhere. Humans shed 40,000 of them a minute. My people shed their skin in one piece. That way it is easier to eat.
Asta Twelvetrees: Gross.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You are gross.

Asta Twelvetrees: Wait, how did his wife not know you were an imposter?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Some people only see what they want to see. She saw every part of me, but she never knew.

Asta Twelvetrees: What if she gets pregnant and has an alien V baby?
Harry Vanderspeigle: No, she is not pregnant. She would have started to emit a sulfuric scent and then split open with hundreds of babies. She remained... whole.

Harry Vanderspeigle: My breathing duct is filled with blood. You have to reach inside and clear it.
Asta Twelvetrees: Uh, how? I-I don't know how to do that. ....
Harry Vanderspeigle: .... Go slowly to avoid the teeth.
Asta Twelvetrees: What? There are teeth? And four arms? You really owe me for this. You really owe me... Okay. Oh, there's the teeth... I need a visual.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Remember when I examined Mr. Hurley's prostate?
Asta Twelvetrees: Delightful.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Like that monkey movie.
Asta Twelvetrees: What movie? "Planet of the Apes"?
Harry Vanderspeigle: The movie about the flying monkeys. They are in the trees living their lives, and that girl and that vicious dog and those other creatures who had lost their way from that yellow brick road. Theн invade the monkeys' territory.
Asta Twelvetrees: You mean "Wizard of Oz"?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes, that is it.
Asta Twelvetrees: Okay, well, the monkeys are the bad guys.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Not to the monkeys...

Asta Twelvetrees: When you say not good, like, how not good?
Harry Vanderspeigle: If a chicken sits on an egg for the right amount of time, you get a perfect little chick.
Asta Twelvetrees: Uh-huh.
Harry Vanderspeigle: But if you do not care about the egg, and you leave it in the sun, it rots and stinks... The Earth is the second one.

Asta Twelvetrees: Hey, Dad.
Dan Twelvetrees: Hell no.
Asta Twelvetrees: Dad...
Dan Twelvetrees: What are you doing hanging with that thing?
Asta Twelvetrees: Do you know what that thing is?
Dan Twelvetrees: Well, it's violating a whole bunch of health codes, I know that for sure.
Asta Twelvetrees: Can you just say it, so there's no confusion?
Dan Twelvetrees: Why's there an alien in my freezer?

Asta Twelvetrees: He's not just an alien, and the alien is someone we know.
Dan Twelvetrees: The mayor. I knew it.

Asta Twelvetrees: I'm right here. I won't let you die.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I believe her. No one's dying today, but now I have my device, so how about tomorrow?... All eight billion of them.

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