Bloody Celestial Karaoke Jam

Lucifer 5×10

Lucifer: Back to my original question, what are you still doing here?
God: Do I need a reason to visit my sons?
Lucifer: Ahh. The old "answering a question with a question." One of my favorites.

Lucifer: As for father-son hang time, how about when Hell freezes over? That do for you?

Chloe: I don't believe you. There's no way you're incapable of love. No one is incapable of love. No one.

Ella: What are you gonna do though, right? Another one bites the dust.

God: Just wanted to see exactly what it is you do for work.
Lucifer: Ahh...
God: You're some kind of police assistant, is that right?
Lucifer: Consultant!
God: Whatever.
Lucifer: Just go away, Dad.

God: From now on, you won't even know I'm here.
Lucifer: Oh, God!

Chloe: Your dad? As in, God?

Chloe: Hi, God, I... Well... I'm Chloe. I'm guessing you already know that, but here's something maybe you don't know, and respectfully, sir, you are a terrible father... I am sure you had your hands full with creating the Earth, you know, the sun, the universe, whatever, but I know what it's like to be a working parent, and my two cents, again, respectfully, when it comes to Lucifer. you screwed up. Big time. You know, your kid acts up, and you kick them out of the house and go radio silent for thousands of years? That's just mean. Respectfully.

Linda: Wait. You're disappointed because you think angels are better than humans. Don't you?
Amenadiel: Well, yes, Linda. We are better. We can fly. We live forever. There's our superhuman strength...

Lucifer: Madam, please! Ground your helicopter. It's time you let this poor boy make his own decisions, and... I... I need a word with my father.

Lucifer: Even if she didn't kill the ref, that woman is far from innocent. Poor JJ is permanently screwed, destined to be a broken man because of his overbearing, judgmental mother. He will never be able to live like a normal person, love like a normal person.
Chloe: Yeah. I feel... for him.

Lucifer: Interrogation's through those doors. Lots of judging goes on in there. You'd like that. Uh, donuts are here, a triumph of mankind, as I'm sure you're aware. Here. Have a sprinkled. My favorite.
God: Mm-hmm. Very nice. I prefer the ones with the little cereal bits on top. But thank you.

Lucifer: Uh, Dan, this is... my dad.
Dan: Hmm.
Lucifer: You know, the big man... It's God.
Dan: Oh. Oh! Hi. Hello... Huh... Hello... Uh, Mr... Your, uh, Highness, Your Holy... I am, uh, D... Daniel, Detec... Detective Daniel Espinoza. Nice to meet... It's, uh... It's real nice, buddy.

God: I know who you are, actually... I believe you met my wife.

God: I'll be seeing you later. Or not.

Ella: Just no, stop! Stop! What are you trying to do, torture me?
Mazikeen: Totally.
Ella: And you enjoy it, don't you?
Mazikeen: Hey, I'm just being me. Perfect the way I am.

Lucifer: Dad! What are you doing? You're embarrassing me!
God: I didn't say there was anything wrong with it.
Lucifer: It's not what you're saying, Dad. It's the way that you're saying it.

Linda: I find these things are... usually never really about... the coffee.

Lucifer: Okay, he comes down here, judging every little thing, which is ironic because he made every little thing. Made all of us imperfect and then criticizes us for not measuring up. So, photoshop your selfies, prepare ye the way for Mr. Judgy-pants.
God: Is this one of those times when you say one thing and mean another? Because I certainly didn't invent that.
Lucifer: If you're referring to sarcasm, I'm not smart-alecky enough to take credit for that. Smart being in the title, to which I'm sure you'll disagree.

Linda: Okay. God, perhaps we should start with you. Has Lucifer done anything recently to anger you?

Linda: I mean, take this father-son discord. So your son didn't turn out exactly how you'd hoped. So he can't fly. ... You know what a good father does? He loves his son. Unconditionally. Even if he doesn't have a fancy pair of wings. No matter what. Supports him. You smell what I'm cooking?

God: I think I know exactly what to do. Get ready to be supported, son...

God: Look at you, all firm and authoritative. Solving crimes like a real detective.

Dan: You know, I'm just wondering, um... Was the Goddess ever inhabiting Charlotte's body while I was... inhabiting Charlotte's body?

Dan: Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool. And when the Bible says that your dad is a, uh, jealous God, is that, like, a literal thing? I mean, surely he's way above all those... petty human foibles and feelings, right? You know, like, um, jealousy or like murderous, revenge-driven rage?
Amenadiel: Well... No. I don't believe he is above those things. Huh.

Dan: Well, that solves that. I slept with God's wife. Which means I'm definitely going to Hell. Whoo! Can I get a drink, please?

God: Such a lively place you have...
Lucifer: Right, that's it! This bloody celestial karaoke jam, it has to stop.
God: Okay, son. From now on, ix-nay on the usic-may... Just as soon as this is over.

Lucifer: [coffee] Where'd you get it?
God: Bolivia. I picked it up this morning.
Lucifer: Oh.
God: Single source, organic. A wonderful farmer, aptly named Jesús. Had this unique roasting method...
Lucifer: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! It's incredible, okay? You win!
God: Son. I am not trying to win. I just want what's best for you. What's wrong with that?

Lucifer: Dad, I think you should take the day off. You know, rest, chill.
God: Yeah, I usually chill after six days of work... Besides, what else would I do?
Lucifer: I don't know, Dad. Don't you have other children to harass? I mean... visit?

Lucifer: Personally, I've had it up to here with his sacrosanct American Idol.
Chloe: What are you talking about?
Lucifer: That's right. Humans don't seem to realize, but Dad has been making people break out into song and dance at his every whim. And it could not be more patronizing.

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