Hooli-Con

Silicon Valley 4×9

& Jared: I’m sorry. You’re... you’re talking about sneaking our code onto people’s phones without them even knowing about it? I mean, that’s malware, Richard.
    Richard: No. No, no, no. Think of it more as, um, forced adoption through aggressive guerrilla marketing.
    Jared: Well, as a product of forced adoption, I can assure you there are consequences.

& Richard: People don’t delete apps.

& Dinesh: Excuse me. What’s your policy on anonymous tips?

& Erlich: It’ll never work.
    Richard: You don’t even know what we’ve been talking about.
    Erlich: I don’t need to, Richard. The truth is, we’ve tried and tried. Every time we’ve gotten a whiff of success, a giant pelican by the name of Fate takes a four-and-a-half-pound shit right on top of us. There are people who are destined for greatness and people who are not. Richard, it seems you and I... are not.

& Jian-Yang: I’ll pay for it, whatever it costs.
    Erlich: Well, it seems the smallest of us has the biggest heart. Thank you, young Jinathon. Business class?

& Erlich: Where there’s a will, there’s a way... just not for you guys.

& Richard: How are we like Hooli? We are trying to give free Internet to the entire world. If we have to bend a few rules here and there... I mean, it’s all for the greater good, is it not?

& Richard: First hurdle down. We’re past security.
    Dinesh: That made me nervous, sneaking all that shit in.
    Gilfoyle: Why? We’re bringing tech to a tech convention.

& Gilfoyle: Something wrong?
    Richard: Yeah, actually. Very wrong. PeaceFare is a game. ...look at his website. Give virtual coins to virtual homeless people. Grow virtual corn to feed virtual starving villages. What the fuck, right? I mean, he’s over there making all this noise about turning your mobile device into an empathy machine, but it’s not doing anything!
    Gilfoyle: Fascinating, Richard. Have you heard anything about how Pied fucking Piper is doing?

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& Jared: Richard Hendricks, the Monet of compressionism.

& Richard: Hey, which of the bathrooms is closest?
    Jared: Uh, end of the row, 78 paces to the right.

& Richard: We have to try. Okay, I’m going to put this in your backpack.
    Dinesh: Oh no. I don’t want it. I don’t want it.
    Richard: Dinesh, it’s fine. And you, you’re gonna hold this kill switch, and then you’re gonna walk into the most densely populated area you can find. All right? If you see the security coming, remember, you press that button and, poof, you’re gone.
    Dinesh: Yeah? Okay. I’ll get as many of those motherfuckers as I can.
    Richard: We’ll be rewarded in the end.

& Dinesh: I’m sorry. PoopFare?
    Richard: Yeah, it was, like, a play on the name.
    Dinesh: Is it a play on the name? PissFare would be way better.
    Gilfoyle: Or PenisFare.
    Dinesh: Or PeaceFart. That’s just changing one letter.

& Jared: Richard, the fact that you think that success justifies all your behavior...
    Richard: We were in crisis mode, okay? And yeah, I lost my head, but crisis averted, so it’s time to reinstate habeas corpus, huh? Be Honest Abe again.
    Jared: What about the next crisis, Richard?

& Gilfoyle: You don’t think this had anything to do with us, do you?

& Gavin: Are you fucking kidding me?
    Erlich: No. I’m really here.

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