Blood Money

Silicon Valley 6×2

Gilfoyle: Crazy, right? Domino's Pizza in a fantasy medieval universe...

Richard: Money just perverts everything!
Gilfoyle: At this point, I could stand to be a little perverted.
Dinesh: Yeah, I wanna be a lot perverted.

Gilfoyle: Microphone...
Dinesh: Oh! Uh... Kittens, puppies, United Nations!

Richard: Oh, yes, you are, Jared. You are a buddy-fucker. I am your buddy, and you are fucking me. Ergo, you are a buddy-fucker. Goodbye.

Richard's just tasked me with streamlining productivity and balancing headcount. Can you explain to me why you have no one working under you? It just seems odd considering that the agile board is showing that you have a massive backlog.
Gilfoyle: You're new here, so I'll forgive the patronizing tone. I'm more concerned with being right than being fast, and I don't like dealing with people. To wit, are we done?

Tracy: Oh, you're "that guy".
Gilfoyle: What "guy" exactly?
Tracy: The brooding, arrogant guy who refuses to take orders? Self-taught coder who looks down on anyone who's taken a class. You're probably an atheist or something more contrarian. You claim to be an anarcho-capitalist, but you work here and pay taxes. You've probably read half of Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon, and it's about 50/50 whether you own a snake.

Tracy: I'm assigning you five coders.
Gilfoyle: Inadvisable.
Tracy: Noted. I'll send them over first thing tomorrow.

Gavin: Well, the Valley's become prohibitively expensive. Look at these numbers. If we move to Georgia, we can save a fortune and get a further investment. It's the only way.

Gavin: What? Not Atlanta! Tbilisi. The country of Georgia, not the state.

Monica: Laurie! What are you doing here?
Laurie: The same as you, I suppose. Eating caviar and... hacking famine.

Laurie: Mm. The interesting thing about moving, Monica, is that you can do it more than once. I am back.

Monica: Let's just worry about us, okay? I will introduce you, and just... let me do the talking, okay? Don't speak until...

Monica: Fifty million sounds great, but it's an awfully low price to pay for your integrity.

Monica: It's a billion, Richard...

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Gilfoyle: Five people, as you requested.
Tracy: That man over there?
Gilfoyle: Ken.
Tracy: Isn't he the coffee guy?
Gilfoyle: Barista. Yes. And Joyce was watering the plants. Mona was working security. Dan and George, they were painting the lobby. Until today. Which reminds me, they all need to change their LinkedIn status to... "placaters of middle management".

Dinesh: You know, Gilfoyle, when I first heard the phrase "dick-measuring contest", I thought it was a contest to see who could measure the most dicks. But it isn't, is it, Gilfoyle?

Richard: Okay, Jared had you pretty convinced that this was evil money.
Monica: It's a billion fucking dollars, Richard!
Richard: Okay, so does that make this less evil or, like, way more evil?

Monica: No, you can't talk to those animals! You say a word to anyone out there, and this whole company turns into Lord of the Flies in five seconds. It's a billion dollars, Richard.

Jared: I oughta knock your teeth, you bitch-made motherfucker. I was state-raised! You think I'm scared to catch a case of some bullshit?!

Jared: You keep her name out of your skanky little mouth, you little, little bitch! Dope-led, peckerwood motherfucker! Get checked in, hoe! You wanna dance on the blacktop, homie?!

Tracy: You said I could have it fast or I could have it right, but I just got it fast and right, and all I had to do was threaten your manhood by assigning you other coders. It worked at seven other companies, and it obviously worked here. We're back on schedule! Now, why would I be sorry about that.
Gilfoyle: I respect your skills.

Maximo Reyes: To rectifying the mistakes of my father... The fool who allowed the workers to unionize and ask for higher wages and more expensive hospitals.

Richard: Maximo... we will never collect and monetize user data. Ever.
Maximo: Then why would I give you one billion dollars, Richard?

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