When the Going Gets Tough

The Last Man on Earth 3×17

& Tandy: Now, we’re about to witness the first new life of our new world. Isn’t that exciting? Huh?

& Tandy: Heck, I might be the, uh, most important person in here, huh? You know, like in The Breakfast Club how that janitor is the eyes and ears of the school. Well, you know, I’m like the, uh, you know, the penis and testicles and pubic hair of this, uh, makeshift delivery room.

& Tandy: Hey, Gail, don’t even waste your friggin’ breath on thanks. .... Hey, I don’t want thanks any more than the common angel from heaven.

& Carol: The CD to which I am listening is called sounds of laughter. And it’s recordings of people laughing. This track is called «Girls Night Out.» But my favorite is «Church Giggles.»

& Jasper: Is Erica gonna die?
    Carol: Yes, I think so, Jasper.
    Melissa: Oh. Carol!
    Carol: What? Did you not hear her? If that didn’t sound like a death wail,

& Melissa: Carol, can you try not to be so morbid around Jasper?
    Carol: How?! Did you not see that list of things that could go wrong? One of them was a prolapsed anus!
    Melissa: I did see that one.

& Melissa: «Carol Andrew Pilbasian Miller, loving wife, devoted friend, died in childbirth after a torturous, protracted, bloody labor.»
    Carol: Yeah...

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& Carol: Oh, my God, did she pass?... Put her body in a peaceful position before rigor mortis sets in.

& Gail: I don’t frickin’ know! You think somebody puts some blue scrubs on me, that makes me a doctor?!

& Tandy: Wait, Jasper, she’s not gonna die. Hey, childbirth is easy. That’s why I let Gail and Todd take that. Heck, you have more of a chance of dying on this slide than Erica has of dying in childbirth.

& Tandy: Okay, see you at the bottom.

& Carol: «Carol Andrew Pilbasian Miller has died. She was remembered as a survivor of the virus, a master bedazzler...» And a big fat coward.

& Tandy: Now, look, bud, she’s not dying. See, babies are quite large, but the openings they come out of are quite small. It’s a design flaw.

& Gail: Okay, well, where the hell is Carol? We really could use another set of hands here.
    Melissa: She’s too busy pussing out.
    Carol: ...Or is she too busy pussing in?

& Carol: Hey, little stinker. I got a present for you out here, but it’s only for born people. Huh? It’s kind of a Born Ultimatum.

& Gail: Okay, Erica... it’s go time.

& Tandy: Oh, farts.

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