You Mean All This Time We Could Have Been Friends?

Feud 1×8

& Dentist: ...And by my count, you’re missing six molars?
    Joan Crawford: Extractions.
    Dentist: What kind of medieval dental practice extracts six teeth without putting in implants?
    Joan Crawford: I did it when I was 23. It’s called «the buckle.» When you remove the back teeth, your cheeks curve in at a more elegant angle.

& Dentist: Why the heck would you do that?
    Joan Crawford: My agent told me if I wanted to work past 25, I should invest in a set of cheekbones. You can’t catch their eye if you can’t catch the light, so I did the buckle. It was not uncommon.

& Joan Crawford: Well, you know what they say about stars. They’re like Christmas trees. Once the lights are off, you sit there and watch the needles drop.

& Joan Crawford: A denture... No. I’ll do the surgery if I have to, but no dentures. I’d rather spit blood into a sink than look like Martha Raye.

& Dentist: Miss Crawford, at your age, you need to worry more about staying healthy than staying photogenic.
    Joan Crawford: I’ll stop worrying about how I look when they dip me in formaldehyde.

& Stan: ...And if the book is a hit, potentially, it’s a huge branding opportunity. Joan Crawford luggage, Joan Crawford dinnerware, Joan Crawford plastic furniture covers...
    Joan Crawford: I would love that.

& Joan Crawford: Trog? What is Trog?
    Freddie Francis: Oh, as in troglodyte. Trog... it’s the title of the movie.
    Joan Crawford: I thought the picture was entitled The Missing Link.
    Freddie Francis: We changed it to pop out on the posters. Picture it: Trog!...
    Joan Crawford: And what is that?
    Freddie Francis: Oh, uh, your co-star. Trog.

---

&’This is Joan Crawford. Let’s begin with my point of view. I always say, treasure yourself.
    I do a certain amount of self-pampering. I surround myself with happy colors.
    I sit on hard chairs. Soft ones spread the hips.
    People ask me if I turn up at board meetings wearing tailored costumes and muted colors. Oh, no. I wear shocking pink and lovely hats. No man ever did a poor job because he had an attractive woman to look at...
    I mistrust people who don’t like animals...
    There are no hard and fast rules for fending off an outright pass, especially if it comes from the boss. Every intelligent woman has her own method of turning it down without wounding a sensitive male ego. An even cleverer woman knows how to prevent the pass in the first place.
    If you can’t control your cleavage, your perfume, your walk and your eyelashes, you’d better stay out of the business...
    Here are a few items no dieter should ever have in the house: peas, lima beans, avocadoes, olives, dried beans, corn, butter, most cheese. Creamed chicken with mash potatoes makes too much mush. Always serve something crisp with something soft...
    All the beauty products in the world can’t disguise a disagreeable expression. Have you ever noticed that when you say, «no,» you resemble a prune-faced schoolmarm?...
I feel as if clothes are people. When I buy a dress, that’s a new friend. I have a tremendous respect for fabrics...
    I love people. I’ve been asked if I ever go around in disguise. Never! I want to be recognized. When I hear people say, «There’s Joan Crawford,» I turn around and say, «Hi. How are you?»‘

& Joan Crawford: Is that really how I look?.. Well, if that’s how they see me, they’ll never see me again.

& Pauline: You know, in Japan, when you turn 60, you put on this bright red hat, and you celebrate kanreki. It’s your second childhood. Life isn’t over. It’s just beginning.

& Victor Buono: Nothing good can come from comparing yourself.

& Victor Buono: You and she have so much in common. You’re both Aries. You’re both single mothers to angry children. You’ve each been married four times. In many ways, I hate to say this, but... she may be the only person in the entire world who knows how you really feel right now.

& Joan Crawford: I spent my whole life being Joan Crawford. A woman I created for others. I don’t know who-who I am when I’m by myself.

& Jack Warner: Now, Joanie, look, look, if I... if I really had known how hard I-I’d really made it for you, I... I wouldn’t have done a fucking thing different...

& Jack Warner: It all works out in the end, Joanie. You know, we showbiz folks, you know, all that anger that we feel from not being loved... which is the reason we’re in this business in the first place... all the tears and the screaming and the-the rage, it all disappears. And the public, what they remember, for the most part, is the good stuff. The work. And all the joy that we brought them. Trust me, all the suffering will have been worth it.
    Joan Crawford: Will it, really?

& Jan Tomlinson, AP Wire Service: Joan Crawford died this morning. Do you have a comment?
    Bette Davis: My mother always said don’t say anything bad about the dead. Only say good... Joan Crawford is dead. Good.

& Joan Blondell: That’s it? Christ. 50 years in show business, and they give her two seconds.
    Bette Davis: That’s all any of us will get. To Joan.

& Joan Crawford: Bette? Here’s what I really hope from this picture when all is said and done: I hope I’ve made a new friend...
    Bette Davis: ...Me, too.

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