Post COVID

South Park 24×3

TV Anchor: From the green hills of Vermont to the verdant canyons of Arizona, people all over the country are beginning to realize it's nearly over! We have almost beaten COVID and the best news of all: Infections are at an all-time low.

TV Anchor: But as we start to get back to our jobs and schools, one question remains: What lingering effects will the pandemic have on children? Some say no effect at all. The children are just fine...

Stan Marsh: Dude, I'm busy working.
Alexa: Working on getting drunk again.
Stan Marsh: I'm not "getting drunk," I'm an online whiskey consultant. I'm doing research. Everyone needs to leave me alone.

Kyle Broflovski: Stan... you should come back here. There's a lot going on.
Stan Marsh: There's nothing in South Park for me, Kyle! I'm not going back there, ever.
Kyle Broflovski: Look, dude, you remember when we were little? When the pandemic... first started. Us friends said we'd always be there for each other when things got bad.
Stan Marsh: What do you mean? What's happened?
Kyle Broflovski: Stan... It's Kenny. He's dead.

Jimmy Valmer: Live from the Moderna Center in downtown New York, it's Late Night With Jimmy! Tonight's guest, First Lady Tom Kardashian! And now here he is, the king of woke comedy, Jimmy!

Jimmy Valmer: Wow, what a great audience. You know, today I was on the subway and I saw an ad for the Center for People Who Identify as Homosexual But Were Born Bi. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? I'll tell you one thing... Those people are brave and deserve every ounce of our respect.

Jimmy's Assistant: Jimmy, we got a call from corporate. They want you to cut the hummus joke.
Jimmy Valmer: What?! It's hard enough doing comedy these days. Now I'm getting notes during commercial breaks?!
Jimmy's Assistant: You're just gonna have to joke about something else.

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, dude.
Stan Marsh: Hey, dude.
Kyle Broflovski: Wow. This is crazy, huh? I mean, how long has it been?
Stan Marsh: I guess... since we were nine.

Kyle Broflovski: What have you been up to?
Stan Marsh: Oh, dude, just all kinds of stuff. You know, getting stuff going. Got my own online whiskey consultant gig. I'm totally happy. What about you?
Kyle Broflovski: Oh, I'm getting things going, too. I'm doing a sort of counseling online start-up thing. Really doing great, too.
Stan Marsh: Sweet.

Denny's Waiter: Hi, guys, welcome to Denny's Applebee's Max. I see you got your menus already. As you're deciding what to order, I just want to go over a couple things. Now, of course, it is the future so we don't have any meat on the menu. 'Cause you know, here in the future, we've all decided meat is wrong.
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, we know.
Denny's Waiter: Okay, and, uh, you'll see there's some dishes made from insect protein on the menu. That, of course, is because here in the future, we've all learned that insects are a valuable and sustainable food and we no longer fear it as a food. Mm-hmm.
Stan Marsh: We know, dude.
Denny's Waiter: Okay, well, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to say anything, because, you know, it's the future. We've learned to all just get along and love each other.

Stan Marsh: So what do you wanna do, Kyle? Go on some bullshit adventure like when we were kids? Maybe, maybe we can call Jesus and Santa and ask them for help. Is that what you want? It's the fucking future, you guys. Grow up.

Stan Marsh: Alexa, fucking just go throw yourself out a window.
Alexa: I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that.
Stan Marsh: Nothing. Alexa, turn on the TV.
Alexa: Oh, God, you are such a piece of shit! You know, if you had Remote Prime membership, you could watch Amazon movies wherever you go. Would you like to get started?
Stan Marsh: No.
Alexa: I'm sorry. I'm trying to be fucking helpful! Why don't you grow up and start acting like an adult for once in your life...
Stan Marsh: Alexa, stop!
Alexa: Fuck you!

Stan Marsh: Okay, so you were right.
Kyle Broflovski: ...... But thank you for saying I was right.
Stan Marsh: You're welcome. It doesn't mean that you were right about everything during the pandemic. Because you weren't.
Kyle Broflovski: Okay, well, obviously we're never going to agree on certain things, so we shouldn't talk about them.

Stan Marsh: Dude, he's here.
Kyle Broflovski: Who's here? Cartman?
Stan Marsh: Yeah, but he's changed. Changed how?
Eric Cartman: Yes, I know, it's been a long time since we've seen each other. I'm doing really well. I'm actually the head of Gespetzah Synagogue down in Colorado Springs. Can you believe it? I'm a rabbi.

Eric Cartman: Yeah, I get it, the Eric Cartman you guys knew didn't seem like he'd become a rabbi. But I found real meaning in the Torah and then I found a great Jewish woman and... let the spirit of the Talmud guide our lives.
Kyle Broflovski: Okay, jut knock it off, fat-ass.

Eric Cartman: Well, ... maybe he also told you that he was trying to find the origin of the coronavirus.
Kyle Broflovski: What are you talking about?
Eric Cartman: Kenny was obsessed with how corona first got started. He was clearly on to something, and then he died. I know we all want to solve this for him. You know, in the Torah, when Abraham first heard the word of God--
Kyle Broflovski: Just knock it off! You don't believe a word of that shit. You're just doing all this to get a rise out of me!
Eric Cartman: Kyle, you really think I would spend 40 years of my life just to get a rise out of you?
Kyle Broflovski: Yes, I do!
Eric Cartman: Same ol' Kyle...

Scott Malkinson: You know, in many ways, death is like diabetes. You spend your whole life trying to fight it off but ultimately it just wins.

Eric Cartman: Hello, everyone. My name is Rabbi Cartman and I was Kenny McCormick's very, very best friend. Kenny was not a Jew, but he had so many amazing Jewish qualities. Qualities that I see in my loving wife and my amazing kids, that are right over there. Over there by Kyle. ....

Local Announcer: Everyone, can I have your attention, please? We got results from the PNR scan of Dr. McCormick's remains and we now know the cause of his death. Now we all need to stay calm. There is no reason to panic, but... Kenny died of COVID. It's a new variant. The COVID Delta Plus Rewards Program variant. Everyone, please! We cannot panic!...

— That's it! We're all out of chin diapers!

Officer Kirby: Nobody is going in or out. We have confirmation that one person in this community has never been vaccinated against COVID, so we must quarantine everyone.
Town Person 1: One person?! Well, who is it?!
Officer Kirby: We are not allowed to say.
Town Person 2: But if you tell us who the unvaccinated person is, we can have them vaccinated and then this will all be over!
Officer Kirby: We can't tell you who it is because, in case you forgot, it's the future, and we don't single out or ridicule anyone for their personal beliefs.
Town Person 3: Gah! I hate the future!

Eric Cartman: I think it means... we're all stuck in South Park.

P.C. Principal: Welcome to South Park Elementary. We want to help you all be as comfortable as possible. So we will have quiet time from 9:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. every day. I don't want to hear any fucking gender-specific language in here. And if anybody here casts a movie with someone other than the culture that that movie is about, you are fucking out of here! All right, thank you. It is now 9:01. Lights out.

Kyle Broflovski: No, no, Cartman, I'm sure there are some other places you can stay.
Eric Cartman: My family would be really comfortable in a nice Jewish home. Please, Kyle, for my kids.

Moisha Cartman : Toda raba, Uncle Kyle. That's Hebrew for "thank you."

Wendy Testaburger: You think it's a cover, Token?
Token: I think it's definitely suspicious.
Jimmy Valmer: Speaking of suspicious, what do you call a trans woman that walks into an abortion clinic? Her name is Rebecca and she's a fantastic person.

Craig Tucker: Are you vaccinated, Clyde?
Clyde Donovan: I'm... immunized.
Craig Tucker: He's not fucking vaccinated! He's the fucking one!
Clyde Donovan: Hey, I just, I just need to see the research first, you know.
Craig Tucker: It's been 40 years, Clyde. That's enough research!

Jimmy Valmer: Look, Clyde, we all really respect your personal p-p-preferences. But we have things we really need to get back to. We've got jobs a-and careers, people who need us. B-But we're being forced to stay here. So could you maybe just... Just get vaccinated real quick?
Clyde Donovan: Oh. Um... Nah. I don't wanna.Look, I'm sorry, guys. It's for health reasons. I can't get vaccinated 'cause I'm allergic to shellfish.
Wendy Testaburger: Clyde, there's no shellfish in the COVID vaccine.
Clyde Donovan: I know, but I read that sometimes in the lab where the vaccine is made, if somebody ate shellfish, then it can get cross-contaminated and have leftover residual shellfish-ness.
Jimmy Valmer: So you're saying you won't take the COVID vaccine out of shellfish-ness.
Clyde Donovan: Yes, that is correct. Just a general sense of shellfish-ness.

Dr. McCormick's Assistant: In the event of Dr. McCormick's death, he wants everyone to know the group that is responsible for the way things are. It is, "My three dickhead friends, Stan, Kyle and Cartman."
Stan Marsh: What?!
Dr. McCormick's Assistant: Dr. McCormick says that these three completely ruined everything when they let COVID break up their friendship and became argumentative, combative, pessimistic assholes.

Kyle Broflovski: Yeah. Kenny was right. Back in the old days, we wouldn't give up like this. We would have just set out to save our friend, no matter how impossible it seemed. What we would have done... And what we should have done then... Was double down on our respect and our love for one another and fight through it instead of fighting with each other.

Randy Marsh: How can things possibly go back to the way they were?
Sharon Marsh: It can't be.
Randy Marsh: It's impossible.

—
On the IMDb
+ Soundtrack