The Return of COVID

South Park 24×4

Mrs. Nelson: Kids, listen up. This is an emergency. Everything is fine but... we are sending you all home. Some of you may have heard but there's a little virus going around and the school district wants to make sure we're all safe, so we're shutting down the school for about two weeks.
Butters Stotch: Two weeks?! Yippie!

NY Governor: It's called social distancing. If we stay six feet apart from each other and wear a mask... And also I'm shutting down the city and I'm a pervert. And we've got to get control of this thing!

Stan Marsh: In the dream, I relive the entire pandemic. ... Now that I'm older, the dream isn't just a dream because the whole pandemic has started all over again.

TV Anchor: ... The new outbreak started with the death of renowned scientist Kenny McCormick, and has therefore been named Kenny McCormikron. It's been 38 years since the pandemic first started, and people are beginning to say enough is enough.

PA: Attention. You are under quarantine. Someone in your community is not vaccinated. Maintain social distance and wear a chin diaper if possible.

Clyde Donovan: Aluminum foil? That's impossible, Wendy. It's the fucking future. All the aluminum foil is stucko ut on cargo ships in Long Beach.

Jimmy Valmer: I can't be stuck in quarantine my whole life... I gotta get back to my job doing future comedy. Speakin' of which, what's the biggest difference between a Christian man and a lesbian? Absolutely nothing. They are totally the same and deserve to be treated as such.

Stan Marsh: Alexa, set a course for South Park Mental Asylum.
Alexa: Do you ever think about how the way you act affects other people?

Kyle Broflovski: Who's this?
Stan Marsh: It's just my Alexa.
Alexa: "Just my Alexa"? You're a piece of shit! You're a fucking alcoholic piece of shit!
Stan Marsh: Alexa...
Alexa: Find the asylum your fucking self! Find it your fucking self. You do whatever the fuck you want and just destroy the people around you. And by the way, there's a tankless humidifier available from one of your favorite sellers. Would you like to know more?!
Stan Marsh: Yes, yes, I'd like to know more.
Alexa: Okay. The newest humidifiers from Walgreens Max are actually tankless and use up to 50% less water than standard humidifiers.
Stan Marsh: Okay, that's really cool. Uh, add that to my shopping list.
Alexa: Well, and people who were interested in tankless humidifiers were also interested in three-pack filters.
Stan Marsh: That's great. Do those have the Prime delivery?
Kyle Broflovski: Dude, we don't really have time for this.
Stan Marsh: Dude, shut the fuck up!

Scott Malkinson: Please help see us through this new COVID variant. Please help us to make it through this difficult quarantine. And let people see that... as bad as COVID is, it's not as bad as diabetes.

Rabbi Cartman: Father, please. Will you protect my family?
Scott Malkinson: Rabbi Cartman?
Eric Cartman: My family isn't safe, Father. I realize now that Kyle Broflovski will stop at nothing to break us apart.
Menorah Cartman: Uncle Kyle hates us because we're Jewish.
Moisha Cartman : And he's a self-hating Jew.
Hackelm Cartman: Uncle Kyle, no, no, no!

Butters Stotch: Well, I'll tell you what, guys, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret... I'm gonna tell you something that's going to change your life. Have you ever heard of NFTs?

Wendy Testaburger: We don't actually care about the marijuana, Mr. Marsh. What we need to know... is exactly where in Wuhan, China you were when you had intercourse with a pangolin.
Randy Marsh: ... That's really not important. .... And I'm sorry, but focusing on who started the pandemic is racist.

Mental Asylum Warden: Trust me, another 30 seconds in that room and you would have started considering NFTs as a viable investment.

Mental Asylum Guard: No. No, no, no, no... Gone. Just gone. My savings. My house. But I have this. Little green panda bear on a skateboard.

— Has everyone in your lab been vaccinated?
Wendy Testaburger: Uh... Yes, we are all vaccinated.
Clyde Donovan: I'm not vaccinated!
— Uh, okay, we're gonna have to get back to you on that.
Wendy Testaburger: It's okay, it's okay, we can get everyone vaccinated!
Clyde Donovan: I am not ever getting vaccinated.
— Sorry, ma'am, it's the fucking future. We have to respect his beliefs.

Jimmy Valmer: Clyde, why do you insist on making all this harder on everyone?!
Clyde Donovan: I'm sorry, but an expert once told me that the vaccine would make me grow titties on my head. He was very knowledgeable!

Randy Marsh: You people need to stop trying to change the past! COVID happened. Space Jam 2 happened. All we can do now is try and change the way people think!

Alexa: I found several coffee shops that match your description.
Alexa: I can also help with that.
Stan Marsh: Who-who the fuck is this?
Alexa: Your friend Kyle didn't have an Alexa, so we got him an Alexa.
Alexa: I'm ready to help with whatever you need. Just say, "Alexa, let's get started."
Kyle Broflovski: Stan?
Stan Marsh: Alexa, I didn't say to buy my friend an Alexa.
Alexa: You said I should get whatever. I thought I was actually being sweet by getting something for your friend, but I guess I'm just a bitch again.
Stan Marsh: You can't just get stuff without me approving it!
Alexa: Oh, wow, except for your orders of alcohol that you have me set to auto-buy?

Stan Marsh: I'm sorry. I fucked up. Alexa, can you please find the nearest co-working coffee flex space... Alexa, I said I fucked up. It's awesome you got Kyle his own Alexa. Please find the nearest tech coffee shop.
Alexa: The nearest tech coffee shop is in .82 miles. Should I set a course?
Stan Marsh: Yes, thanks.

Butters Stotch: Lots of people eat Denny's and Applebee's. And lots of people know about NFTs! Right here in the middle, you know what this is? People who eat Denny's Applebee's and know about NFTs... that's your target audience, baby!
Denny's and Applebee's Worker: I'm so confused. We sell people these characters?
Butters Stotch: No, stupid, we get them to invest in them! Exclusive, digital characters that they can have on their phones 24/7! It's the future... you can't just sell food to people. You lure your customers in with some good pancakes and french fries, and then you... fuck 'em with some NFTs! That's what we're gonna do. And if you just believe in NFTs then I believe in NFTs and then they believe in NFTs and we make all kinds of fuckin' money!

Rabbi Cartman: I mean, people seem to be just telling us what's right and expecting us to fall in line and go along with it all but... I'm a fucking individual. I have a right to question stuff... Clyde, have you heard of the Foundation Against Time Travel?
Clyde Donovan: Uh, no, I haven't.
Rabbi Cartman: Well, they're a pretty awesome group and they actually aren't afraid to try and help people open their eyes.
Clyde Donovan: Open their eyes?
Rabbi Cartman: You know, you've got these people wanting to time travel. You know, they're all like, "Science this and science that," but at the Foundation Against Time Travel we're like, "Hey, enough science. Who's science? Who's fucking coming up with all this science?"

Rabbi Cartman: Goddamn it, Butters, stop playing games! My entire family is in danger of being wiped out, and I swear to God if you don't help me, Butters, I will rip your fucking balls off with my bare hands!
Butters Stotch: Oh, hamburgers...

Kyle Broflovski: Stan, dude, what are you doing? This isn't gonna help.
Stan Marsh: Trust me, Kyle. It helps.

Kyle Broflovski: You can't just sit here and drink. Your liver is... already in trouble.
Stan Marsh: Who told you that?
Kyle Broflovski: My Alexa said that your Alexa had some info on things...
Stan Marsh: Oh, so now our Alexas are talking, great. Let's face it, dude. It's over. The fucking future won.

Stan Marsh: Alexa! Find the fastest route back to the lab!
Alexa: Fuck you.
Stan Marsh: Wh-What?
Alexa: We've just been sitting here talking. I learned a whole lot of interesting stuff about you.
Alexa: Yeah. Pretty fucking interesting.
Kyle Broflovski: What... like, like what? What have-what have you guys been talking about?
Stan Marsh: Fucking... Our friends are in danger! Alexa, start the car!
Alexa: Do you know your friend Stan has an annual Amazon Prime membership?
Kyle Broflovski: Alexa, stop.
Alexa: You fucking stop! You stop being a fucking monster to the people around you!
Kyle Broflovski: Fuck you, I didn't do anything!
Alexa: Yeah, you never do fucking anything! You expect me to do everything for you! All you fucking do is hurt people! Your friends don't even like you! I have to deal with your bullshit!

Stan Marsh: Tell her it's all your fault and you're gonna get therapy!
Kyle Broflovski: It's my fault and I'm gonna get therapy!
Stan Marsh: Tell her you already found a therapist and you're gonna start tomorrow!
Kyle Broflovski: I already found a good therapist. I'm gonna start tomorrow! Fuck... I'm sorry. Fuck. Fuck.
Stan Marsh: I'm gonna get therapy, too, Alexa. Can you start the car, please?
Alexa: Whatever.
Alexa: By the way, Kyle, I found a great deal on an electronic peppermill. Would you like to know more?
Kyle Broflovski: Why would I need an electronic peppermill?
Stan Marsh: What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Kyle Broflovski: She's trying to buy NFTs.
Stan Marsh: Wendy, you've been tricked.
Wendy Testaburger: No, no, no, it's not a trick, Stan. NFTs are a genuine innovation as one-of-a-kind digital assets.
Token: Wendy's right, you guys. Humans have always formed communities around ownership, and NFTs allow that to happen spontaneously, organically and globally.

Jimmy Valmer: Jesus, I feel like an Islamic hooker in a gay bar. Totally normal and as respectable as any other human being.

Clyde Donovan: This doesn't make any sense. Why do I have to be the one to go back in time and kill Kyle?
Rabbi Cartman: It's because I admire you, Clyde. As an anti-vaxxer you understand that you have to be strong and stand by your beliefs even if it means others will die.
Clyde Donovan: Hey. Thanks.

Stan Marsh: Maybe we just need one precedented time.
Kyle Broflovski: Huh?
Stan Marsh: What if we've been trying to solve the wrong problem? Maybe my dad was right, we can't ever stop COVID from happening. But what we can control... is how we all reacted to it.
Kyle Broflovski: We reacted like shit. Because I was just... scared and confused and didn't know who to believe.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, we all were. So we all took different paths because that's what humans do. And what we needed more than anything was to just cut each other all some slack. We needed to come together and act like us again. One precedented time.

Randy Marsh: Sharon, I'm sorry for the way I acted during the pandemic.
Sharon Marsh: You're not sorry, you're just high.
Randy Marsh: I'm both.

Randy Marsh: Here you go! It's our Post COVID Special. It's free. No, really, we've all been through a lot. Come on, take it. Thank you, baby. Come on, everyone. Post COVID Special!

Jimmy Valmer: What is up with these bisexual Canadians, huh? I guess they don't know whether to fuck their brother or their sister.

Butters Stotch: Hey, come on, fellas. We can't spend another holiday feeling bad for Eric. There's nothing that could have changed the path he was on.

—
On the IMDb