Japanese Toilets

South Park 26×3

Randy Marsh: See, Stan? You gotta choose if you wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, can I do it?

Sharon Marsh: Randy! We need to get a new toilet.
Randy Marsh: We can't just get rid of ol' blue, Sharon.

The Home Depot Employee: How much you looking to spend?
Randy Marsh: Well I'm not poor.

The Home Depot Employee: All the toilet's functions are operated by a touch-button remote which you mount where the toilet-paper roll used to go.
Randy Marsh: So then where do you keep the toilet paper?
The Home Depot Employee: With a Japanese toilet, you don't need toilet paper. The toilet washes you completely clean.
Randy Marsh: You're mad.
The Home Depot Employee: No, it's true. It has warm water and a dryer and cleans you eight times better than toilet paper can. Would you like to take one for a test drive?
Randy Marsh: Okay, how much?

Randy Marsh: Yeah, my... my point is that most people in town don't even have a PS5. They still have PS4s, and so we're basically the Kennedys of South Park.

Sharon Marsh: That's the new toilet? How much did it cost?
Randy Marsh: Oh, Sharon. Tennish.
Sharon Marsh: What's tennish?
Randy Marsh: Tennish. Thousandish. Ten thousandish.
Sharon Marsh: You spent $10,000 on a toilet?!

Eric Cartman Stan, just so you know, nobody gives a shit.
Stan Marsh: About what?
Eric Cartman Come on, guys!...
Heather Williams Did you know some people can't even afford to eat? How about caring for something that matters, you bitch?

Randy Marsh: Oh! No, Doctor. I haven't needed to come to your office. In fact, I don't think I'll be needing your services anymore since I've gotten a Japanese toilet.
Dr. Sheltair: Oh... Oh, really?
Randy Marsh: It's completely changed my life. I'm healthier, I'm less stressed, and I don't get hemorrhoids 'cause I'm not smearing shit all over my ass with toilet paper.

Dr. Sheltair: How am I supposed to tell my wife we can't afford to go to Tuscany now?!
Randy Marsh: I never realized you made so much money off my ass. Go on. Get. Get!

Jimmy Valmer It's a big deal, Stan. You just don't understand why... Have you ever asked yourself why we use toilet paper? We're told to wash our hands... wear masks in crowds... but for some reason, when it comes to wiping our ass, we're told to do it with this little piece of paper. We are all... all of us... walking around right now with a little bit of shit smeared on our buttholes.

Jimmy Valmer Did you know that 70% of people in the world don't even use it at all? ... Most people in the world still use good ol' soap and water. The average American uses 140 rolls of toilet paper per year. Can you even begin to imagine how many trees that is? To supply the United States its toilet paper, it takes 31.1 million trees per year. A million acres per year of precious Canadian Boreal forest alone, releasing upwards of 25 metric tons of CO2 and leveling 90% of the land barren.
Stan Marsh: So, then, why do Americans use it so much?
Jimmy Valmer Well, that's the big question, isn't it?

Jimmy Valmer These people have deeper pockets than you can possibly imagine. They can destroy everything you love, Stan. Take my advice... Don't. Squeeze. The Charmin.

Randy Marsh: South Park, uh, we-we're cutting this short. I was totally wrong and I want to apologize--
Stan Marsh: No, dad, it's the toilet paper companies that are behind all the...
Randy Marsh: Yeah, I know. Yeah, so, uh, w-we have nothing against toilet paper. It's a great product and, uh, it was childish of me to make fun of it. .... Japanese toilets are totally unnecessary, and, uh, in case anyone else is listening, I think all of South Park would like to apologize. We retract what we said about toilet paper companies. They... They have done nothing but help us, and we are sorry. South Park... everyone... Say you're sorry.
— We're sorry.

Stan Marsh: What about helping people and leading by example?
Randy Marsh: We're not the goddamn Kennedys, Stan. Stop being an idiot.

Randy Marsh: You know, guys, I'm actually not that sad. Having a Japanese toilet was great, but... I've come to realize that, when you have some big, nice luxury thing, it eventually just becomes normal. But you start comparing it to all the other things in your life which suddenly feel you have to upgrade, too. So, it's really best to just stick with the beat-up, crappy old things we have. Love you forever, honey.

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