& I'mma try to do a show. ... I'mma try to do a show tonight without offending nobody, okay? I'mma try my best. You know why? 'Cause you never know who might get triggered.
& You know what people say. They always say, uh, "words hurt." That's what they say. You gotta watch what you say. 'Cause words hurt. You know anybody that says words hurt has never been punched in the face.
& Everybody scared. If you a certain age and you go to work, you are fucking scared. In the old days, if somebody wanted your job, they just worked harder than you. Now, somebody wants your job, they just wait for you to say some dumb shit.
& I have no problem with the wokeness. I have no problem with it at all. I'm all for social justice. I'm all for, for marginalized people getting their rights. The thing I have a problem with is the selective outrage.
& Everybody, you know what I'm talking about? One person does something, they get cancelled. Somebody else does the exact same thing... No. You know what I'm talking about.
& Everybody's full of shit. Motherfuckers typing out woke ass tweets on a, on a phone made by child slaves.
& Lululemon, I walk by and in the window of every Lululemon, there's a sign that says, "We don't support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate." And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?" You're just selling yoga pants. I don't need your yoga pants politics. Tell me how you work on ball sweat.
& Fucking Lululemon. "We don't support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate." They sell $100 yoga pants. $100 yoga pants! They hate somebody. They hate the poor. $100 yoga pants?
& They don't sell $100 yoga pants. They sell $100 non-racist yoga pants. I think I speak for the entire audience tonight when I say most people in this crowd would prefer a pair of $20 racist yoga pants.
& They say we're addicted to opioids, but opioids are not the biggest addiction in America. No. Not even close, man. The biggest addiction in America is attention.
& We are addicted to attention. Can't get enough attention. Feening for likes. Just feening. We used to want love. Now, we just want likes.
& And how do you get attention? Four easy ways to get attention. Number one easiest way to get attention, show your ass.
& Number three easiest way to get attention, that's right, to be excellent. That's right. Like Serena Williams, greatest tennis player to ever play the game. Absolutely excellent! Being excellent will get you attention, but it's hard being excellent. You gotta get up in the morning. You gotta work out. You gotta practice. It is much easier to show your ass.
& And the number four easiest way to get attention, number four, is to be a victim. Ooh.
& There are real victims in this world. There are people that have gone through unspeakable trauma, and they need your love, your support, and they need your care. But if everybody claims to be a victim when the real victims need help, ain't nobody gonna be there to help them, okay? And right now, we live in a world where the emergency room is filled up with motherfuckers with paper cuts.
& Everybody is trying to be a victim. Like, what's this girl Meghan Markle? Seemed like a nice lady. Just complaining. I was like, "Didn't she hit the light-skinned lottery?" Hit the fucking light-skinned lottery, and still going on complaining.
& The fuck? She said, "They're so racist. They're so racist." Some of that shit she went through was not racism! It was just some in-law shit. And sometimes it's just some in-law shit!
& She's complaining, and I'm like, "What the fuck is she talking about?" "Oprah, they're so racist! They wanted to know how brown the baby was gonna be. ..." I'm like, "That's not racist!" 'Cause even Black people wanna know... how brown the baby gonna be!
& I know what she going through. I know what Meghan Markle's going through. I-I know her dilemma. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. Oh, it's hard. ... It's so hard. It's very hard! But it ain't as hard as a white girl trying to be accepted by her Black in-laws. Now, that shit is really hard.
& Shit, you bring a white girl home for Thanksgiving, your momma gonna say something. Your momma's like, "Why is there a social worker at the table?" Like, "Momma, that's Jackie! We've been married nine years! You got three grandchildren! Stop being so mean!" "You know I'm playing, right, Jackie? Just give me time."
& Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football playing murderer! Whoo! O.J. Simpson killed two white people and got away with it. That's another kind of Black excellence. That's way before Wakanda.
& O.J. left the court, got in his Bronco, drove away. And soon as O.J. drove away, God appeared. And God walked up to Robert Kardashian and God said, "Robert Kardashian! For the sin of helping to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football-playing murderer, from this day forth, for the rest of eternity, till the end of time, your daughters will fuck nothing but niggas! And not just any niggas, crazy niggas. The craziest niggas to ever live."
& America, America's in bad shape right now, man. America's in horrible shape. We got it worse than Ukraine. Yeah, I said it. You know why? 'Cause Ukraine is united and America is clearly divided. ... Our shit is so screwed up right now, if the Russians came here right now, half the country would go, "Let's hear 'em out."
& We in a bad place, man. Republicans lie... Biggest liars in the world. Republicans lie, and Democrats leave out key pieces of the truth... that would lead to a more nuanced argument.
& Pro-life, pro-choice, what are you, what are you? I have two beautiful daughters. I have two beautiful daughters, right? And... So, there's a part of me... There's a part of me that's pro-life, okay? 'Cause I'm definitely pro their lives.
& But since I love my daughters unconditionally-- I love them not just as little girls, I love them as grown women. I want my daughters to live in a world where they have complete control of their bodies, okay? And because of that, I am pro-choice. I am absolutely pro-choice, okay? I believe women should have the right to kill babies...
& I'm on your side. I believe you should have the right to kill as many babies as you want. Kill 'em all, I don't give a fuck. But let's not get it twisted, it is killing a baby.
& And people argue first trimester, second trimester. First trimester, second trimester. I think women should have the right to kill a baby until it's four years old.
& I'm pro right choice. I'm pro good choice. I'm pro practical choice. Like, ladies... Ladies, listen to me. If you have to pay for your own abortion, you should get an abortion.
& You know, whenever some kid goes crazy at a school, they always say, "No child... No child is born is racist. No child is born hating. You have to teach a child to hate. All children are good. All children are born pure." You know, only people without kids say dumb shit like that.
& Kids are the meanest motherfuckers on the face of the earth. They're the most racist, sexist, homophobic, fat-a-phobic, will-say-anything-to-your-face motherfuckers on Earth, okay?
& I love my kids. I love my kids, but I don't like them. I don't like my kids.
& Now I'm single and here's the crazy thing. You don't even realize all the amazing little things a woman does for you 'til you don't have one. You don't even realize 'em. Women do so many things that you don't even realize.
& Y'all know what happened to me. Getting smacked by Suge Smith. Everybody knows. Everybody fucking knows. Yes! It happened. I got smacked like a year ago, fucking last week, I got smacked at the fucking Oscars by this motherfucker. And people like, "Did it hurt?" It still hurts.
& I got "Summertime" ringing in my ear. Fucking drums, please. But I'm not a victim, baby. You will never see me on Oprah or Gayle crying. You will never see it. Never gonna happen. I couldn't believe it and I love Men in Black. No. It's never gonna happen. No.
& ... Shit, even in animation, this motherfucker is bigger. I am zebra. He's a shark. What the fuck, man? But... But, Will Smith practices selective outrage. Practices. Selective. Outrage.
& A lot of people go, "Chris, how come you didn't do nothing back. How come you didn't do nothing back that night?" 'Cause I got parents. That's why. 'Cause I was raised, okay? I've got parents. You know what my parents taught me... Don't fight in front of white people.
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On the IMDb
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