Two and a Half Men 2x9

Yes, Monsignor

& Alan: Charlie! Charlie, help me!
    Jake: What’s going on?
    Alan: Nothing! Go watch TV.

& Charlie: I’m sorry, Alan... How can she sue you? You have no money.

& Berta: Just out of curiosity, what the hell happened in your brother’s bathroom?
    Alan: Nothing!
    Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor... with a naked lady.
    Berta: The quiet ones are always the freaks.
    Alan: Jake, I was not wrestling!
    Jake: But she was naked.

& Alan: She was taking a shower, and I didn’t know. When I reached to turn it off, she was startled. It was innocent and there’s no reason to tell your mother, understand?
    Jake: Sure. By the way, you have to sign my math test.
    Alan: Okay. ... D minus?! Jake, how do you get a D minus?
    Jake: How do you get wrapped in a shower curtain... with a naked lady?

& Alan: Did you show this to your mother?
    Jake: No.
    Alan: Why not?
    Jake: I didn’t catch her doing anything.
    Jake: Okay, I’ll sign this.

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& Charlie: So, what do you think?
    Berta: About what?
    Charlie: Lisa, me, the kid.
    Berta: Okay, let’s see now. This is the same woman you’ve broken up... and gotten back with for years, right?
    Charlie: Right.
    Berta: And she turned you down in order to marry somebody else?
    Charlie: Yes.
    Berta: And then the marriage fell apart... and now she’s got his baby?
    Charlie: Yeah.
    Berta: Sounds perfect. Go for it.

& Jake: This makes no sense.
    Alan: It’s math. It makes perfect sense.
    Jake: Well, then I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
    Alan: No, you just have to do the work.
    Jake: Well, maybe I have a learning disability, or a syndrome of some sort.
    Alan: You don’t have a learning disability. You’re just lazy.
    Jake: Maybe that’s the syndrome.

& Alan: See? This one is wrong, this is wrong. Jake, you have to check your work. These are careless mistakes.
    Jake: Maybe I’m not careless. Maybe I ate lead paint as a child.

& Lisa: What a good burp. Wasn’t that a good burp, Charlie?
    Charlie: Oh, yeah. Wait till you meet my nephew. He can belch the theme from Shaft.

& Jake: Dad, you gotta sign this.
    Alan: Another D? Jake, what is wrong with you?
    Jake: Well, I have a theory.
    Alan: Oh, really? Another one. Do tell.
    Jake: I’m a crack baby.
    Charlie: Kid’s a genius.

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On the Imdb.