Two and a Half Men 2x5

Bad News from the Clinic

Dedicated 2 school and parents...

I look @ you like @ a mirror.

& Alan: Have any homework this weekend?
    Jake: A little.
    Alan: Why don’t you get started on it tonight.
    Jake: But it’s only Friday.
    Alan: I know, but if you do it tonight, you won’t worry.
    Jake: I’m not worried.
    Charlie: Hey. What are you guys up to tonight?
    Alan: Jake’s gonna do his homework.
    Charlie: Why? It’s only Friday.
    Alan: Let me tell you something about Charlie... He was a lousy student. He always put off doing his homework... and his grades reflected it.
    Jake: Seems like he’s doing okay now.
    Alan: Go get your books!
    Jake: I left my books at Mom’s.
    Alan: Fine. I’ll have her bring them over.
    Jake: Okay. They’re in my bag.

& Alan: How was school this week?
    Jake: Okay.
    Alan: Any homework for the weekend?
    Jake: Nope.
    Alan: Really?
    Jake: Okay, yes.
    Alan: Do we have to go through this every Friday?
    Jake: I’d rather we didn’t.

& Charlie: Alan, most beautiful women are used to guys... chasing after them. They expect it. However, if you hang back and stay cool... the women come to you. Well... not to you specifically, but you get the theory.
    Alan: Yeah, I’m not stupid. Just physically repellent... and inherently unlovable.

& Alan: Why didn’t you do this part?
    Jake: That’s extra credit. You don’t have to do it.
    Alan: Why don’t you do it anyway?
    Jake: Because I don’t have to.
    Alan: It shows that you’re willing to make an extra effort.
    Jake: But I’m not.
    Alan: Do it anyway.
    Jake: Why?
    Alan: If you spent as much time doing the work... as you do arguing about it, we’d be done.
    Jake: I am done. This is extra.

& Alan: Hey. You’re home early.
    Charlie: Alan, if you got something to say... why don’t you just come out and say it?
    Alan: ... You’re home early?
    Charlie: Yeah, that’s smart. Keep pushing me.
    Alan: Did you see that?
    Jake: Yeah, he took my ice cream.

& Alan: Trust me. You’ll feel better having this done. We’ll have the weekend to have fun.
    Jake: What if we don’t have fun? Then all this studying will be for nothing.
    Alan: That’s just a risk we’ll have to take.

& Alan: Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?
    Jake: It’s not gonna be on the test.
    Alan: Maybe not. It wouldn’t hurt for you to know it.
    Jake: Why would I wanna know something I don’t have to?
    Alan: Because maybe you’ll need to know it in the future.
    Jake: Well, then, that’s when I’ll learn it.
    Alan: Why can’t you just learn it now?
    Jake: There’s only so much space in my brain... that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.
    Alan: Charlie, help me out here.
    Charlie: What?
    Alan: Jake doesn’t think he needs to know anything about Magellan.
    Charlie: What’s Magellan?

& Charlie: Okay, I’m out of here. Won’t be late.
    Alan: Oh, I’m sorry. Bad news from the clinic?
    Charlie: No. I’m just taking Sherri out for a nice dinner... after which I plan to gently but firmly... extricate myself from the relationship.
    Alan: So she got bad news from the clinic?

---

& Berta: Alan, got a riddle for you: What’s short, picky and only supposed to be here on weekends?.. I’ll give you a hint: it’s your kid.

& Alan: His mother decided... she had to go to Palm Springs to rejuvenate herself.
    Berta: Detox?
    Alan: No, a health spa. Six hundred dollars a day... for meditation and colonics.
    Berta: How in the hell do you meditate... when someone’s squirting water up your business?
    Alan: I don’t think they happen simultaneously, Berta.
    Berta: That’s good, because it could be very distracting. I can’t even pee when the cat’s watching me.

& Alan: If you feel so strongly about this girl, why don’t you just call her?
    Charlie: Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also FedEx her my testicles in a little silk bag.
    Alan: All the more reason to call first and give her a heads-up.

& Alan: At the risk of asking a foolish question... you got any homework this weekend?
    Jake: Nope. Did it at school.
    Alan: Really?
    Jake: Yup. Did it during detention.
    Alan: Jake, why did you have detention?
    Jake: Because I didn’t do my homework yesterday.
    Alan: So you did yesterday’s homework and today’s homework?
    Jake: Yup. The extra-credit section and everything.
    Alan: Oh, great. I’ll look it over.
    Jake: Okay, I didn’t do it.
    Alan: Jake, why do you keep lying?
    Jake: Because I thought you trusted me. The detention part was true.

& Rose: Watching you obsess over Sherri... really helped me understand my obsession for you. I mean, you never return my calls. You always see other women. You never knowingly let me sleep over. Rose: And yet, I’ve never been able to get you out of my head.
    Charlie: Interesting...
    Rose: Isn’t it? But now that I understand it, I feel somehow free of it.
    Charlie: Well, that’s great, Rose. It sounds like a real healthy breakthrough.
    Rose: Yeah. And the best part is now that the fog of obsession has lifted... I can stop idealizing you, and see you for who you really are.
    Charlie: And who would that be?
    Rose: An emotionally scarred and deeply flawed human being. Who will one day bless me... with emotionally scarred and deeply flawed children.
    Charlie: Rose!..
    Rose: Just hold me... I like the names Mike and Trudy.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.