Crazy, Stupid, Love.

& Cal Weaver (by Steve Carell): You okay? You seem a little off.
    Emily Weaver (by Julianne Moore): Yeah, I’m just trying to think about what I want.
    Cal: Yeah, me too. Why don’t we just say it at the same time? One, two, three...
    Emily: I want a divorce!
    Cal: Crème brûlée!

& Cal: My wife is having intercourse with someone who is not me!

& Jacob (by Ryan Gosling): Cal, would you take that straw out of your mouth? Please. That looks like you’re sucking on a tiny schwantz. Is that what you want? Is that the message you wanna send?
    Cal: No one’s thinking that.
    Jacob: Really?

& Jacob: You’re sitting there with a Supercuts haircut... getting drunk on watered-down vodka cranberries like a 14-year-old girl... and you’re wearing a 44 when you should be wearing a 42 regular. Honestly, I don’t know if I should help you or euthanize you.

& Liz: Hannah, look at you. Look at you. If you end up with that, what am I gonna end up with? That shit’s depressing.

& Jacob: What happened to your feet?
    Cal: What do you mean? These are my 407’s.
    Jacob: Oh, they’re 407’s. What, are you in a fraternity*? {...} Are you Steve Jobs?
    Cal: What?
    Jacob: Hold on a second. Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?
    Cal: No.
    Jacob: Oh. Okay. Well, in that case, you got no right to wear New Balance sneakers ever.

& Jacob: One of the best parts about being a guy your age... Frankly, there aren’t many, so you should really take full advantage of it. ...is that you can rebuild your entire wardrobe with like 16 items.

& Jacob: Cal, be better than the Gap. Be better than the Gap.

& Jacob: Let’s talk about how many women you’ve been with.
    Cal: Sexually?
    Jacob: Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.
    Cal: One.
    Jacob: ..... No. Not at one time. How many total?.. Don’t say it. Don’t say it.

---

& Robbie: I heard you crying the other night. Didn’t know what to do.
    Emily: Oh, Robbie, baby, you’re 13, you’re not supposed to know what to do.
    Robbie: I tried Googling it.
    Emily: You did not.
    Robbie: Yep. I did.
    Emily: Well, what did you Google?
    Robbie: I searched “Mom crying in bed.”
    Emily: What did Google say?
    Robbie: Just a bunch of weird videos of moms in bed.
    Emily: Ugh. Oh, God. Okay. All right, that’s enough. No more. Do those parental controls work at all?
    Robbie: They work for me.

& Jacob: Look, let’s face it, Cal, all right? The war between the sexes is over, and we won, okay? We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise. But even though we won, they still deserve our respect. Make them feel beautiful, listen to their problems, open the door for them...

& Cal: Would you put on some clothes, please?
    Jacob: I’m sorry, is this bothering you?
    Cal: No, it’s not.
    Jacob: My schwantz is in your face! If it’s not bothering you, we got a problem.
    Cal: Okay, it bothers me.
    Jacob: I don’t care.

& Cal: Just because I’ve watched you pick up women... doesn’t mean I know how to pick up women.
    Jacob: Ever see Karate Kid?
    Cal: What does that have to do with anything?
    Jacob: When he’s teaching him to wax on and off but really to fight?
    Cal: You want me to fight someone?

& Jacob: What’s the first thing I do when I go up to a girl? I buy her a drink.
    Cal: Yes, always. Without fail. You buy her a drink. Even if she doesn’t want one, you insist.
    Jacob: And do I talk about myself?
    Cal: Never. Never about yourself, always her.
    Jacob: Because bar banter...?
    Cal: Is boring. So you put the impetus on her. She has to be the interesting one. “Impress me. Impress me with how interesting you are.” It’s a big game. Game. Creepy, creepy little game you play.
    Jacob: That’s judgmental, isn’t it?
    Cal: Mm-hm.
    Jacob: At the end of the night do I ask them to come home?
    Cal: No, you tell them to come home. They have no choice in the matter. It is your choice and they are so overjoyed to have had the opportunity... to make sweet, sweet love to you. Oh, my God. You did, you Miyagi’d me.

& Claire: She should know. She babysits for him. She’s almost an adult. Lots of young women in and out of his apartment.
    Bernie: She’s too young for this. I don’t like this S-E-X talk in front of the K-l-D-S.
    Claire: First of all, they can spell. Second of all, I’m just saying.

& Hannah (by Emma Stone): Please, will you take off your shirt? I can’t stop thinking. I need to just... Fuck! Seriously? It’s like you’re Photoshopped.

& Hannah: Okay, so then what do we do? What happens now? Like, logistically? What's your move?
    Jacob: What do you mean, what's my move?
    Hannah: What's your move? Your big move?
    Jacob: I got lots of moves.
    Hannah: What's your big move?
    Jacob: I'm not telling. You're not ready for the big move.
    Hannah: Yes, I am.
    Jacob: You can't handle the big move.
    Hannah: Tell me your big move.
    Jacob: I work Dirty Dancing into the conversation.
    Hannah: Dirty Dancing? {...} Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do? Do we watch it?
    Jacob: You know the big move at the end where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?
    Hannah: Yeah.
    Jacob: I can do that.
    Hannah: Okay.
    Jacob: So I tell girls I can do the move. I put on the song "Time of Your Life." I do the big move. And... they always wanna have sex with me.
    Hannah: Oh, my God. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
    Jacob: I agree. But it works every time.
    Hannah: That would not work on me. Oh, God, this is ridiculous. I don't wanna do it... This is beyond ridiculous.
    Jacob: Run and jump.
    Hannah: No. No, thank you. Thank God I'm drunk. Here we go.

♪ 'Cause I've had the time of my life ♪
♪ And I owe it all to you ♪
♪ I've been waiting for so long ♪
♪ Now I've finally found someone ♪
♪ To stand by me ♪

    Hannah: Ahem. So do you prefer to do it here or in the bedroom?
    Jacob: The bedroom is preferred.

& Hannah: You don't have one of those ridiculous, um, massage chairs, do you?.. You do?
    Jacob: No.
    Hannah: Yes, you do.
    Jacob: Yeah, I do.
    Hannah: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God.
    Jacob: I don't. I don't. I do.
    Hannah: Who would have that?
    Jacob: I would. I have that.
    Hannah: How much was it?
    Jacob: Five thousand dollars. Ask me how many times I've used it.
    Hannah: How many times have you used it?
    Jacob: ... Twice.
    Hannah: That's $2500 a massage.
    Jacob: Twice.
    Hannah: Where is it?
    Jacob: It's in the garage.
    Hannah: Can I sit in the massage chair? ... I hate it.

& Robbie: Mom, relax. It's your husband, not al Qaeda.

--
fraternity — братство; содружество; община

+ quotes on the Imdb.

__ Very good 1.