The Big Bang Theory 5x11

The Speckerman Recurrence

& Penny: Hi. Did Sheldon change the Wi-Fi password again?
    Leonard: Yeah, it's "Penny already eats our food. She can pay for Wi-Fi." No spaces.

& Penny: What are you gonna do about your bully? Are you gonna see him?
    Leonard: I don't know.
    Sheldon: Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch?
    Leonard: No, that was a different guy.
    Sheldon: Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?
    Leonard: No, that was a different, different guy.
    Sheldon: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?
    Leonard: No.
    Sheldon: Oh, oh, oh. Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?
    Leonard: No, but, actually, that was this guy's sister.

& Leonard: It's 2:00 a.m. What are you doing up?
    Sheldon: Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony streaming live from Stockholm.
    Leonard: Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year?

& Bernadette: I love this dress. How come I never see you wear it?
    Penny: 'Cause when I wear it, it's a shirt.

& Amy: When Leonard gets back, I'd love to check his serotonin levels... Do you think he'd let me draw a syringe full of his blood?
    Penny: Hmm, he's crazy about needles, but if you get him to go jogging, it'll just pour out of his nose.

---

& Raj: Is that him over there?
    Leonard: No.
    Raj: How about that guy? He looks like he'd hate you.
    Leonard: You know, I can really do this by myself.
    Howard: Hey, we're here to support you, buddy.
    Leonard: No, you're not. You're here to see if I get my underwear pulled over my head.
    Howard: You wore underwear? You fool.

& Howard: That's quite a list... I can't read your handwriting. What's that word?
    Leonard: "Scrotum."
    Raj: What's that one?
    Leonard: Uh, "stapled."

& Jimmy: Wow. Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you're a big-time scientist now.
    Sheldon: And there's the first zinger. Ouch.

& Jimmy: You should have seen this guy back in the day. Huh? He was so little, he could fit in just about anywhere. Lockers, trash cans... Oh, man, how did you get inside that backpack?

& Jimmy: We were practically a comedy team.
    Sheldon: Like the Black Death and Europe...

& Sheldon: What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you're a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.
    Leonard: Sheldon...
    Sheldon: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you're a mess.

& Jimmy: I don't understand.
    Leonard: I think what he's trying to say is that maybe in high school you picked on me a little bit.
    Sheldon: A little bit? The man Super Glued Hershey's Kisses to your nipples!
    Raj: That's funny because those aren't the kind of kisses you want on your nipples.

& Bernadette: Penny, it doesn't matter what you did in the past. You're a good person now.
    Penny: That's easy for you to say. You weren't just called a "b-b-b-b-bitch."
    Amy: Perhaps you could assuage* your guilt through altruism.
    Penny: ......
    Amy: Which word's tripping you up? "Assuage," or "altruism"?

& Leonard: Here's your cocoa.
    Sheldon: Oh, half and half instead of whole milk?
    Leonard: Yes.
    Sheldon: Heated to precisely 183 degrees?
    Leonard: Yes.
    Sheldon: Seven little marshmallows, no more no less?
    Leonard: You... got one for good luck.
    Sheldon: ... One for good luck. Must be the kind of math they do at Princeton.

& Leonard: What are you doing here?
    Jimmy: I want to apologize for... stapling your balls and... throwing you naked in the girls' locker room, stuffing that parrot down your pants... What's this word?
    Leonard: "Laxative."
    Jimmy: Oh, right. Junior prom...

& Leonard: Are you okay to drive?
    Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drive better drunk. You know, it makes you pay attention.

& Leonard: Sheldon, we can't let him drive.
    Sheldon: Then take away his keys and make him wander the streets with the other drunks.

& Sheldon: You know what would be nice?..
    Leonard: What's that?
    Sheldon: As a symbolic gesture to all the bullies who've tormented us for years, we open our home to Jimmy and once he's asleep we kill him. ....... I said it would be nice... I didn't say we should do it.

& Penny: I feel just like Mother Teresa. Except for the virgin part. That ship sailed a long time ago.
    Bernadette: I think Mother Teresa would have washed the clothes first...
    Penny: Yeah, well, I bet her laundry room wasn't down five flights of stairs.

& Leonard: Okay, Jimmy, it's time for you to go. {...} I want you out of my apartment right now.
    Sheldon: Well said, Boy Wonder.
    Jimmy: Or what?
    Sheldon: Don't answer that! It's a trick question. I speak from experience.

& Sheldon: You did it, Leonard, you stood up to your bully!
    Leonard: Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?
    Sheldon: I don't need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you.

& Penny: Wait, wait, wait, guys, just hang on.
    Amy: What is it, the fuzz*?
    Penny: Look at us... What are we doing?
    Amy: I was gleefully following you to a life of crime, looking forward to the day we might be cell mates... I don't know about Bernadette.

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assuage — успокаивать; утолять; смягчать; умиротворять
fuzz — полиция

On Imdb.