Two and a Half Men 2x2

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

& Charlie: Tequila, checkbook, sourpuss... Must be alimony time.

& Charlie: In fact, you know what’d be funny?.. Where it says “memo,” write “lap dance.” Give her something to explain at tax time.

& Charlie: So where’s Jake?
    Alan: Sleeping at a friend’s.
    Charlie: Oh, man. I rented a movie he’d like.
    Alan: Oh, what’d you get?
    Charlie: Don’t worry. It’s educational.
    Alan: One Million Years B. C.?.. How is this educational? Raquel Welch running from dinosaurs in a fur bikini?
    Charlie: What is that if not history?

& Evelyn: Could I get some more coffee, Berta?
    Berta: Who’s stopping you?

& Alan: So tell me a little bit about yourself. Ever been married?
    Dr. Melnick: My wife passed away.
    Alan: Oh, I’m so sorry... No alimony, though. Gotta love that.

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& Berta: So I’m having this nice Mother’s Day dinner with my slutty daughter... and her idiot boyfriend. Suddenly, the front door comes down and the room fills with tear gas. Next thing I know, I’m belly-up on the floor, hacking out a lung... while the cops are dragging out Bonnie and Claude in handcuffs. Come to find out that the money that I loaned them to open a tanning salon was used to turn my tool shed into a hydroponic pot farm.
    Evelyn: Unbelievable!
    Berta: Yeah.
    Evelyn: Your daughter came to visit on Mother’s Day...

& Charlie: Are those my pants?
    Rose: Oh, no. I bought these. But I think this might be your wallet and keys.

& Evelyn: Where were we?
    Rose: We were trying to figure out... why Charlie hates you.
    Evelyn: Yeah. Well, Charlie?
    Charlie: Okay, fine, here it is. I’m not saying I hate you, but if I did... it might have to do with the fact that you’re a narcissistic bloodsucker... who drove my father into an early grave. Then married a succession of men who couldn’t care less about Alan and me... which was fine with you... because you looked at us like dancing monkeys... you could just haul out whenever it suited you. And when it didn’t, you sent us off to boarding school or camp... or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up... because we weren’t even Jewish! And now, now you show up here every chance you get... to lay a guilt trip on me... for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood.
    Evelyn: Well... obviously you’re not ready to talk about it.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.