Two and a Half Men 2x10

The Salmon Under My Sweater

& Jake: What you doing?
    Charlie: I’m working.
    Jake: You’re not gonna get much done with the TV on.
    Charlie: What are you, my mother?
    Jake: Your mother says that too?

& Alan: I assume you finished reading Lord of the Flies for your book report?.. Oh, good. How’d you like it?
    Jake: I thought it was a timeless American classic.
    Alan: I see. So tell me, what’s it about?
    Jake: You mean the book?
    Alan: Yeah, the book.
    Jake: It’s called Lord of the Flies... and it’s about a really big fly... that all the other flies pray to.
    Charlie: And you thought he didn’t read it...
    Jake: Oh, I was just joking. It’s more like Charlotte’s Web, but from the fly’s point of view.
    Alan: You’ve had more than a week. Why didn’t you read the book?
    Jake: I’ve been waiting for inspiration.
    Charlie: Attaboy!

& Alan: Okay, how’s this for inspiration? We’re not going to the movies... and you’re not doing anything until you finish reading that book.
    Jake: That’s not fair!
    Alan: Course it’s fair. We had a deal. You didn’t keep your end of it.
    Jake: Oh, so now two wrongs make a right?
    Charlie: Bet you didn’t see that one coming?
    Alan: You’re really gonna like this book if you give it a chance...

& Jake: Hey. What you doing?
    Charlie: Working.
    Jake: How do you know when you’re on a break?
    Charlie: That’s the thing about being a grownup, my little friend: You don’t get breaks.

---

& Jake: Berta, you know what’s a good book? Lord of the Flies.
    Berta: Oh, yeah. I read that when I was about your age.
    Jake: So, what’d you think?
    Berta: I liked it. It was like Survivor with kids.
    Jake: Yeah. I agree. ... Is Survivor spelled like it sounds?
    Berta: Just read the damn book!

& Alan: Morning, Berta.
    Berta: Morning.
    Alan: Hey, did you know that Rose has a master’s degree in psychology?
    Berta: No. Did you know I’m a founding member of the Mile High Club?

& Charlie: You haven’t forgotten that she’s a little bent*, right?
    Alan: No, I think there’s a lot more to her than that. Deep down, there’s a good person.
    Charlie: Deep down, there’s a few good people. And all of them are bent.

& Alan: Charlie, everybody has flaws.
    Charlie: Flaws?! She Superglued my testicles to my thigh.
    Alan: That was the past. We’ve all done things we’re ashamed of.
    Charlie: She’s not ashamed. She took a picture, then used it for her Christmas card. Thank God it was an extreme close-up. Most people thought it was a fruit bat.

& Alan: So, what do we do now?
    Rose: Wanna try kissing?
    Alan: Yes, I think we should. ... Okay.
    Rose: Yeah. Wanna get a room?

& Charlie: It’s a book report waiting for you to put your name on it.
    Jake: Is that legal?
    Charlie: Look around... Do you see any homework police? Oh, man. I give you way too much credit.

& Jake: That’s not what we wrote! That’s your original, sucky version.
    Charlie: What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.
    Jake: What, are they brain-damaged?
    Charlie: Welcome to show business, kid.

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bent — склонность; влечение; сексуально извращенный

+ quotes on the Imdb.

__ Oh, it's books reading... The hopelessly losing battles and the war in general.