Two and a Half Men 2x4

Go Get Mommy's Bra

& Alan: He’s got a boat and a pool?!
    Charlie: I guess you can afford cool stuff... when you don’t have to sell your blood and sperm to make alimony payments.
    Alan: Hey, hey, my relationship with my son is not based on having cool stuff.
    Charlie: And lucky for you!

& Alan: You could use my car, Mom.
    Evelyn: You see? Now, that is how a loving son treats his mother. Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful. Charlie, your Mercedes.
    Charlie: No, forget it.
    Evelyn: Charlie, I am not leaving until you give...
    Charlie: Happy motoring.
    Evelyn: Thank you.

& Alan: ... Now, you know, this is the brake and this is the gas.Jake: Thought it was electric.
    Charlie: He’s got you there, Alan.
    Alan: Okay, this is the brake and this is the... electric.

& Alan: Remember, if you wanna drive Grandma’s car again... you can’t be telling her about it.
    Jake: I know.
    Alan: Or Mom, or anybody else. Daddy doesn’t need the grief.

& Jake: Hey, Mom. Guess what we just did.
    Judith: What?
    Jake: ... Nothing in particular.
    Alan: That’s a kids’ joke... “Nothing in particular.”
    Charlie: He’s been doing it to us all weekend.

---

& Alan: ... And I’m sorry to hear about you and Greg.
    Judith: Thank you.
    Alan: Is there... anything I can do?
    Judith: Yeah, you can wipe that smirk off your face.

& Alan: I have to admit, that is a sexy little item.
    Charlie: It is, isn’t it?
    Alan: Yeah, yeah. I’d like to meet the lady who fills this.
    Charlie: Actually, you know her...
    Alan: Oh, really? Lisa?
    Charlie: No.
    Alan: Jennifer?
    Charlie: Who’s Jennifer? Oh, right. No.
    Alan: Well, then who?
    Charlie: I can tell you, but once I do, I can’t untell you.
    Alan: What are you talking about?
    Charlie: Who borrowed my car last weekend?..
    Alan: ... Holy mother of God!
    Charlie: No. No. Unholy mother of us.

& Charlie: How in heaven’s name did that happen, mother?
    Evelyn: Well, if you must know...
    Alan: I don’t need to know!
    Evelyn: Oh, Alan, grow up. I sold a 12-million-dollar house and I wanted to celebrate.
    Charlie: With the Saudi prince?
    Evelyn: Don’t be ridiculous. He’s got nine wives and they’re all like 11 years old.

& Jake: Well, maybe my dad can talk my mom into getting back together with Greg...
    Charlie: Enjoy fifth grade, kid. You’re obviously gonna be there for a while.

& Charlie: The next time you see her, give her a big hug... and let her know that there’s still one guy who’s willing to live with her.
    Jake: Okay... Wait, you blame your mom for everything!
    Charlie: That’s different. My mom’s Satan.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.