Two and a Half Men 2x6

The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance*

& Charlie: Mom, wha...? What are you doing?
    Evelyn: Nothing.
    Alan: Oh, that’s stealing.
    Evelyn: Hardly. I’m paying $ 12 for a martini. They’re lucky I don’t take a chair!
    Charlie: You’re paying?
    Evelyn: Figure of speech, Charles.

& Alan: Did you see me take the Silly Putty?
    Charlie: Oh, no, no, I was nowhere near the Silly Putty. I think I was in the doll section, taking a peek under Barbie’s dress. What a gyp* that was.

& Alan: If Jake had been caught shoplifting and told me the story I told... there’s no way I’d believe him.
    Charlie: Well, let’s just hope he doesn’t get caught.

& Rose: Hey, Charlie.
    Charlie: Hey, Rose.
    Rose: Looks like somebody needs a shoulder to cry on...
    Charlie: No, thank you.
    Rose: Wanna just make out then?
    Charlie: Rose...
    Rose: You’re right. That was out of line. I deserve a spanking.

& Charlie: Can I trust you with something?
    Rose: You trust me... with your bank account number.
    Charlie: I never gave you my bank account number.
    Rose: Right, right. Go on.

& Charlie: Have you ever done anything so wrong, so horrible...?
    Rose: Oh, yeah!
    Charlie: Let me finish.
    Rose: I’m sorry.

& Rose: You want my advice, Charlie?
    Charlie: God help me, yes.
    Rose: Take your secret to the grave... but leave a manuscript explaining every questionable act... you’ve committed in a safety-deposit box... with instructions for it to be opened at your death... and read in front of all your friends, relatives and former lovers.

---

& Alan: Tell Jake what you told me last night.
    Charlie: Oh, okay. Sure. Jake, your father didn’t steal the Silly Putty... I did.
    Jake: Really?
    Charlie: Yeah, I stuck it in his pocket, so if anything happened... he’d be the one to get in trouble.
    Alan: What do you think now, Jake?
    Jake: I think Uncle Charlie’s a genius.
    Alan: What?!
    Jake: No, no. No genius. No, no. I mean, it’s the perfect crime.

& Charlie: Hey, Mom.
    Evelyn: Charlie, what are you doing here?
    Charlie: In the neighborhood. Thought I’d visit.
    Evelyn: Why?
    Charlie: I don’t know. I’m your son.
    Evelyn: And...?
    Charlie: And I was hoping we could talk.
    Evelyn: About...?
    Charlie: May I please just come in?
    Evelyn: Are you fleeing from the law?
    Charlie: I’m not fleeing from anyone, Mom.
    Evelyn: Well, keep it in mind. No one would ever think to look for you at your mother’s house.
    Charlie: I get your point. I don’t visit enough.
    Evelyn: You don’t visit at all.

& Evelyn: I was a wonderful mother! And if Alan thinks otherwise... it’s only because that walleyed Dr. Demerest put ideas into his head. Well, that was money ’well spent.’

& Jake: If Uncle Charlie let you kick him in the nuts... would that make you guys even?
    Alan: No.
    Jake: Boy, he’s really mad at you.
    Charlie: Relax, Jake. We’re just having a little communication problem.
    Jake: That’s what Dad said right before Mom threw him out.
    Alan: Nobody threw me out! Your mother and I mutually decided that we weren’t compatible.
    Jake: You don’t seem compatible with Uncle Charlie right now.
    Alan: Well, it’s not my fault.
    Jake: Was it your fault with Mom?
    Alan: No.
    Jake: You know, Dad, maybe you’re the one who’s not compatible.
    Alan: If you’re done with dinner, do your homework!
    Jake: Fine, kill the messenger.

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Vigilance — бдительность; зоркость; бессонница
gyp — жульничество; мошенничество; обман

+ quotes on the Imdb.