The Waldo Moment

Black Mirror 2×3

& Waldo: Mr Monroe is a politician. So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe?
    Monroe: Well, a politician is someone who tries to make the world a fairer place.
    Waldo: Like Batman.
    Monroe: Not exactly like Batman.
    Waldo: Do you beat people up?
    Monroe: No... I don’t beat people up.
    Waldo: Oh, you’re a pussy then?
    Monroe: Well, I’m not sure I know exactly what...
    Waldo: You don’t know what pussy is?
    Monroe: OK, this is clearly some kind of joke.
    Waldo: No joke, sorry, let’s move on. Friends again?

& Jamie: I’m not dumb or clever enough to be political...

& Jack Napier: Why don’t we get Waldo to stand for the by-election? Get people to vote for him?
    Jamie: He’s not real!
    Jack Napier: But people have stood as fictional characters before.

& Campain Agent: We should probably just shift before this turns stupid.
    Monroe: I’m not walking away from a cartoon.

& Monroe: Let him get a word in...
    Waldo: I’m not ignoring you because there is no you.
    Monroe: You are an image voiced by a comedian — an alleged comedian, more accurately.
    Waldo: If I’m not real, why you talking to him? And by “him” I mean me, knobber!

& Jamie: “Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?”
    Gwendolyn: You’re good at that!
    Jamie: Because I am that.
    Gwendolyn: What? You’re that thing?
    Jamie: Waldo’s not a thing, he’s a bear.

& Waldo: You’re a joke. You look less human than I do and I’m a made-up bear with a turquoise cock. What are you? You’re just an old attitude with new hair. Assuming you’re my superior because I’m not taking you seriously? No-one takes you seriously, that’s why no-one votes.

& Jack Napier: Oh, look, here he is the man of the moment! How does it feel to be a phenomenon?
    Jamie: Shitifying.

---

& Jack Napier: It’s a ten-minute one-to-one interview with Phillip Crane.
    Jamie: Pitbull Crane?!
    Jack Napier: Big guns for big guns.
    Jamie: Hello? I’m not a politician, OK? I don’t want to be a politician.
    Jack Napier: We know that you hate politics.
    Jamie: I don’t hate them, I’m just not interested in them.
    Jack Napier: You don’t need to be interested in them. You just need to be Waldo.
    Jamie: And when Crane asks something tricky and I look stupid because I don’t know how to answer?
    Jack Napier: You’ll know the answer. Because you have a producer.
    Tamsin: Look, I can tell you what to say. I can live Google any facts, give you stats, quotes, whatever else you need. So you’ve got a safety net for the concrete stuff and the rest is Waldo and you can do that in your sleep.
    Jack Napier: You’ll piss all over Crane.
    Jamie: He’ll know there’s a team around me, he’ll see it.
    Jack Napier: Yeah good. I hope he does. I hope he points a camera at it. All the other MPs have got teams, we’re just more honest about it. Now come on. What d’you say? Eh?

& Jamie: Waldo’s not real.
    Jack Napier: Exactly! That’s what you said that really hit home. He’s not real, but he’s realer than all the others.
    Jamie: He doesn’t stand for anything.
    Jack Napier: Yeah, well, at least he doesn’t pretend to. Look we... we don’t need politicians, we’ve all got iPhones and computers, right? So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online. Let the people vote thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins. That’s a democracy. That’s a... that’s an actual democracy.
    Jamie: So’s YouTube and I don’t know if you’ve seen it but the most popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days.
    Jack Napier: Well... today it’s Waldo.
    Jamie: No. It’s still the dog.
Ω So this’s re-chewed ’The National Anthem’ Ep 1 from the Season 1. Real politics in YouTube's era.

& Jamie: Who’s this guy we’re meeting?
    Jack Napier: I dunno. But he’s from Washington and he’s got my restricted number.

& Jamie: I’m a person.
    Jeff Carter, from the agency: With respect, Waldo’s more than you. He’s a team, and you’re open about that, which is fantastic. The honesty thing works. Waldo is a construct people not just accept but embrace. At the moment he’s anti-politics, which is a political stance itself, right? But he could deliver any brand of political content, minus the potential downsides of a human messenger. In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence. He’s the perfect assassin.

& Jeff Carter: There’s no substantial basis to what you offer, and the whole nihilist “democracy sucks” thing, yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo, but with a targeted, hopeful message, which we can provide, energising the disenfranchised without spooking the middle via your new platform... You got a global political-entertainment product people actually want. You could roll this out worldwide.
    Jamie: Like Pringles.
    Jeff Carter: Absolutely!.. When you’re done with Stentonford, there may be an opportunity in South America.

& Campain Agent: We’re still way ahead.
    Monroe: If that thing is the main opposition then the whole system looks absurd. Which it may well be.

& Waldo: 500 quid to anyone who can lob a shoe!

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On the IMDb

Σ Shitifying. Terrifying.