Two and a Half Men 5x5

Putting Swim Fins on a Cat

& Charlie: So, what you doing?
    Alan: Paying our household bills.
    Charlie: You’re a good wife, Alan. I can’t believe some lucky fella hasn’t snapped you up... Probably the penis. That’s usually a deal breaker.

& Charlie: So how are we doing, bill-wise?
    Alan: Not very well. Are you aware you haven’t had a paying job in over nine months?
    Charlie: Are you aware that urine cures athlete’s foot?
    Alan: Seriously, you’ve got a big pile of bills and no money coming in.
    Charlie: Seriously, no burning, no itching, just clears it right up. The drug companies don’t want you to know about it because it’s free.

& Alan: Charlie, you cannot depend on the kindness of the universe.
    Charlie: I have to. I don’t have an older brother I can sponge off of. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go pee on my feet.

& Alan: Berta, you got a minute?
    Berta: What’s on your mind, princess?
    Alan: Well, first and foremost... you know that we consider you a beloved member of this family.
    Berta: Alan, you can roll manure* in powdered sugar, but it still ain’t a jelly doughnut.

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& Berta: Look, I know things may seem dark right now... but I’ve known     Charlie a lot longer than you have.
    Alan: Technically, that’s not true.
    Berta: Are you gonna let me talk?
    Alan: Sorry.
    Berta: One thing I’ve learned working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper...
    Alan: His middle name isn’t Roscoe.
    Berta: Who’s telling the story?!
    Alan: Continue.
    Berta: Anyway, what I’ve learned is God takes care of drunks and fools. And C. Roscoe Harper is both.
    Alan: ..... His middle name is Francis!

& Alan: You’re living in a dream world. Money doesn’t just fall from the sky.
    Charlie: Obviously you’ve never been sitting ringside... when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

& Jake: So did you buy this for your girlfriend because you’re breaking up with her?
    Charlie: No, why would you think that?
    Jake: Because you always give jewelry to girls you’re getting ready to dump.
    Charlie: Very observant.
    Jake: You watch, you learn.
    Charlie: Well, this isn’t breakup jewelry, this is „I like you, stick around” jewelry.
    Jake: What’s the difference?
    Charlie: About 1500 bucks.

& Jake: Hey, Dad, did you get Mom a present when you got divorced?
    Alan: A present?
    Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
    Alan: Jake, buddy, you’re the memento of our time together.

& Charlie: Are you really sure you should be taking those pills with beer?
    Alan: What else can happen to me, Charlie? My hair is coming out, I’m having fainting spells... I can see my heart beating through my shirt... and my poop looks like charcoal briquettes.
    Charlie: So stop taking the medication.
    Alan: It’s $1000 a week. We need the money.
    Charlie: Oh, relax. Something will turn up. Something’s already turned up.
    Alan: I’m pretty sure I dropped a third testicle.

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manure — навоз

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