Pilot
& Dirk: My methods invariably necessitate a variety of expenses that, to the untrained eye, may appear somewhat tangential. I assure you these expenses are essential and non-negotiable and payable in advance, naturally.
Mrs Jordan: ... I see you’re charging me for the purchase of a new refrigerator.
Dirk: I no longer have access to my old refrigerator.
& Dirk: Pick up the phone. Pick... Up... The... Phone! Rule one of housebreaking, never answer the phone when you’re in the middle of a job.
Rule two. Preparation is everything.
Rule three, never show your face at the window.
& Dirk: You’ll have to let me know if I can be of any assistance. My fees are almost ridiculously modest.
& Macduff: Looking for Dirk. Is he in?
Janice: He might be. Then again he might not be.
& Macduff: University said you’d been expelled for cheating!
Dirk: Yes, I understand that was the official explanation. I wouldn’t choose to believe it myself.
& Macduff: So, how on earth did you end up becoming a private detective?
Dirk: Have you heard of Schrodinger’s cat?
Macduff: Should I have?
Dirk: It’s an experiment devised by the eminent Doctor Schrodinger to investigate probability.
Macduff: I’m guessing it involves a cat.
Dirk: You take said cat and you place it in a sealed box, along with a small lump of radioactive material and a phial of mildly poisonous gas. Within a given period of time there’s an exactly 50:50 chance that an atom in the radioactive lump will decay and emit an electron, triggering the release of the gas, rendering the cat unconscious.
Macduff: Is that even ethical?
Dirk: Some would say not. Anyhow, on one occasion, Doctor Schrodinger and his colleagues opened the box and discovered that the cat was neither conscious, nor unconscious, but was, in fact... Completely... Missing. I was called in to investigate. {...} One thing led to another and it all culminated in the thriving career you see before you.
& Macduff: Do you think we should talk to the police?
Dirk: As any Irishman will tell you when things start exploding, it’s best to avoid the police at all costs.
& Dirk: Do you not find it at all curious that both Gordon Way and Henry the cat disappeared on the same day?
Macduff: What, you think Gordon Way is somehow involved with Henry?
Dirk: I know nothing of Gordon Way’s sexual proclivities, feline or otherwise. Let us hope Doctor Gerstenberger can shed some light on the matter.
& Susan: So what can I do for you?
Dirk: Oh, well, I seem to have developed a slight twinge in my shoulder.
Susan: I see! If you could just lower your trousers and pants...
Dirk: You, you understand the twinge is in my shoulder?
Susan: That’s the thing with the human body. Everything’s connected.
Dirk: ... Right.
& Mrs Jordan: You think he has something to do with Henry going missing?
Dirk: I’d say yes, in that every particle in the universe affects, however faintly and obliquely, every other particle. I find this to be particularly true when those particles are arranged in the form of a cat.
& Dirk: Detective Inspector Gilks! What a pleasant and unexpected surprise.
& DI Gilks: Why are you even in the vicinity of one of my crime scenes, Gently? And think very carefully before you answer, because... if you so much as mention the interconnectedness of all things, I’ll have you arrested under the anti-terror laws.
Dirk: Actually, I’m looking for a cat!
& Dirk: Come on, you beautiful bitch!
& Dirk: Henry isn’t missing. He never was. He’s always been here with you. Henry was born in 2007 and he died in 2006. He had 14 happy years in between.
& Dirk: I am curious about one thing, Mrs Jordan... What caused you to murder your husband?
& Macduff: Expenses? What expenses?
Dirk: A most intriguing case, Macduff. I have plotted and triangulated the vectors of all the various events and occurrences and traced them to a five-star hotel in Barbados!
--
On the Imdb.
Σ Spectacular. Especially considering on what basis it has been established.
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