Two and a Half Men 4x23

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin

& Alan: There’s something that I need to talk to you about...
    Charlie: You know the difference between you and me, Alan?
    Alan: I don’t scream when I pee?
    Charlie: I took care of that. No, the difference between you and me is I have vision. I see what others don’t.
    Alan: Terrific. The thing I wanted to tell you...
    Charlie: You look at an animal shelter... and see homeless dogs and kitties about to be put to death. Me? I see an ass farm.
    Alan: Okay, I’m speechless.
    Charlie: No words necessary. Silent admiration is all I ask. So, what is it you wanted to tell me?..
    Alan: ... The railing’s a little loose.

& Charlie: Ah. I gotta stop falling off the deck sober.

& Alan: Summer school three years in a row. They might as well just make you the janitor.
    Jake: Ah, well, school sucks.
    Alan: because you go year-round. Imagine if you had a couple of months off in the summer.
    Charlie: If I were you, I’d start teaching him how to throw sawdust on vomit.
    Jake: I could do that.
    Alan: Why don’t you just go start your homework?
    Jake: What’s the point? I’m already going to summer school.
    Alan: Jake!
    Jake: And if I flunk there, what can they do? Send me to regular school?
    Alan: Go.
    Charlie: Actually, that sawdust job might be a pipe dream.

---

& Alan: Come on, Charlie, you can’t expect to compete with a guy half your age.
    Charlie: I am not competing.
    Alan: Well, you shouldn’t, because it’s perfectly natural. Each generation passes the torch on to the next. The child becomes the hunter. The hunter becomes the revered elder. When you’re too old to chase the buffalo, it’s time to stay back with the old women... and make necklaces.
    Charlie: Necklaces?
    Alan: Or weave blankets, tend the fire... teach the kids to whittle.
    Jake: Buffalos are cool too. They’re like badass cows.

& Alan: Okay, let me see if I got this right. You bought diamonds for the girl you were trying to get rid of... in order to win her from the handyman you fired.
    Charlie: I’m sensing some judgment here.
    Alan: You’re very astute.
    Charlie: Okay, first of all, I got Fernando another job. But the most important thing to remember is... I won.
    Alan: You’re a lecherous old guy... who bought a young womars affection with shiny baubles.
    Charlie: True. But I won.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.