Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
Charlie: No, I don’t like him anymore.
Alan: Okay, then why don’t you take one of your many...? Oh, let’s call them girlfriends.
Charlie: Yeah, I could... but, after the movie, I bring them back here... after I get them here, I get them upstairs. After I get them upstairs, I gotta get them to go home. It just doesn’t seem worth the effort anymore.
Alan: It’s possible you might enjoy your dates if you went out with women... who are capable of using their head other than a place to rest their ankles.
Charlie: ..... What are you saying?
& Charlie: Define “age appropriate.”
Alan: Forty.
Charlie: Are you out of your mind?
Alan: Come on, Charlie. The woman I’m seeing now is 39. We have a wonderful time because we have so much in common. We can talk, we can share, we can laugh...
Charlie: Talking, sharing and laughing is fine but what about her ears?
Alan: What about them?
Charlie: Ears never stop growing, Alan! And I like a nice, taut lobe.
& Jake: Dad, a little privacy, please? ... I’m confused. If I’m in the train, how can I be the train?
Alan: At least he’s not the tunnel.
& Charlie: Think about this. What if I meet this woman? I like her, she likes me, we get married and settle down? We’re both 40 now. In 20 years, I’m gonna be 60. And do you know how old she’s gonna be?
Alan: ... Sixty?
Charlie: I rest my case.
& Alan: Let me ask you something.
Charlie: Sure.
Alan: What in God’s name possessed you to talk about pornography?
Charlie: Hey, she started it.
Alan: She wasn’t talking about pornography. She was talking about constitutional law and the First Amendment.
Charlie: Which includes pornography.
Alan: Yes, it does. But it does not include your favorite actresses, top 10 DVDs... or your beefs about the bonus features.
& Berta: Banging a judge won’t get you out of jury duty. Believe me, I’ve tried.
& Berta: What’s this broad got that’s so special?
Charlie: A brain.
Berta: What are you gonna do with a brain?!
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+ quotes on the IMDb
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