Two and a Half Men 5x1

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

& Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
    Berta: Like I do everything else around here: With a song on my lips and love in my heart.

& Charlie: So junior high, huh? Boy, that brings back some memories, doesn’t it?
    Alan: Can we please not go down that road?
    Jake: What happened?
    Alan: Nothing. It’s just that kids in junior high can be a little judgmental.
    Berta: Especially if you’re knocked up.
    Alan: Thank you, Berta.
    Berta: Of course, on the upside... the pregnant chicks didn’t have to go to gym.

& Alan: Things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.
    Jake: Like what?
    Alan: Well, always keep your lunch money in your shoe... but have some spare change in your pocket.
    Jake: How come?
    Alan: Decoy money. They won’t stop hitting you till they get something.
    Jake: Who are “they”?
    Alan: The kids holding your ankles, plunging your head in the toilet.
    Jake: Plunging my head in the toilet?!
    Charlie: Don’t freak the kid out, Alan. It’s not so much plunging as dipping.

& Berta: Here’s what you do: Make friends with the janitor. They usually have their own bathroom.
    Jake: Okay.
    Berta: Just never drink out of his Thermos.
    Jake: All right.
    Berta: And don’t believe he loves you... Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son of a bitch!

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& Alan: I got you a little present. Your very own cell phone.
    Jake: Oh, cool.
    Alan: The important thing to remember is this is not a toy. It’s to use in emergencies only.
    Jake: Emergencies?! What emergencies?
    Charlie: “Dad, come get me. I’m stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet.”
    Alan: That only happened once!

& Charlie: Now, about race riots... Try not to take sides.
    Alan: Anybody asks, you’re mulatto!

& Alan: Smile.
    Jake: About what?!
    Alan: I need a current picture in case you go missing.
    Charlie: Alan, you’re being ridiculous. They never find those kids.
    Alan: Give me a profile... Okay, now go make it a great day.
    Charlie: Have fun.

& Charlie: Tell the doctor that if I was a tree... the rash is predominantly around the mossy trunk area. But I’m starting to see some redness on the adjacent boulders. ... Oh, come on! Tree, two boulders, what part don’t you understand?

& Alan: Charlie, the question is why did he cut school?
    Charlie: Oh, that’s easy. You scared the crap out of him and dressed him like an ace bandage.
    Alan: Hey, hey, I was just trying to prepare him.
    Charlie: For what? A life of running and hiding?
    Alan: No, no, a life of blending in. Only if they see you, running and hiding.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.

Σ Fresh start for a new season. Finally a good one episode.