Two and a Half Men 2x1

Back Off Mary Poppins

& Charlie: Hey, listen. After you drop him off at his mom’s house tonight, do me a favor? Just make yourself scarce, okay?
    Alan: What’s her name? Or is it too early to ask?

& Alan: I’m your friend!
    Charlie: No, you’re my brother.
    Alan: Wait a minute. You don’t consider me a friend?
    Charlie: It’s not up to me. A friend is someone you choose. A brother is someone you get.
    Alan: Excuse me?
    Charlie: There’s no choice involved. Your dad just wakes you up in the night and says: “Your mom wasn’t really fat and this isn’t your room anymore.”

& Jake: Dad, check this out. You can pick your friends... you can pick your nose... but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. You know who told me that?
    Alan: I can guess...
    Jake: Uncle Charlie. And you know why it’s funny? Because it’s true.

& Alan: Judith, hold on. Do you consider us friends?
    Judith: I consider you my ex-husband.
    Alan: I know. But putting aside for the moment... our loveless marriage and messy divorce... we always had a certain camaraderie*, am I right?

& Harry Dean Stanton: Let me tell you something, fellas... It doesn’t matter what the calendar says, you’re as old as you feel.
    Charlie: Me, I feel... like... boiled crap.

& Charlie: You just saw him, didn’t you? Trust me, he doesn’t get any better. I mean, he actually thinks this is a support group.
Sean Penn: This is a support group, Charlie. You’re the only one who’s pretending it’s about Scotch and cigars.
    Charlie: Whatever kind of group it is, we have rules about new guys joining.
    Sean Penn: Well, but he’s your brother.
    Bobby Cooper: He’s obviously going through a rough time.
    Elvis Costello: Seems like you should be more supportive, pal.
    Charlie: Hey, I support him plenty. I share my home with him. I share my food with him. I moved my foosball table so he could park in my garage... What more do you people want from me?
    Harry Dean Stanton: Let me tell you something about sharing, kid. Sharing is a two-way street. When you share with another human being... you always get back more than you gave. Assuming that you’re smart enough to share with somebody... that’s got more stuff than you had in the beginning.

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& Harry Dean Stanton: Let me tell you something about relevant. The root of the word relevant is... “rel”... which is also the root of the word “relative.” Your brother is your relative, ergo, your brother is relevant.
    Charlie: What?!
    Harry Dean Stanton: Another “rel” word is “relapse*.” But I’ll wait my turn.

& Rose: Hey, neighbor. What are you doing out here all by your lonesome?
    Alan: Charlie’s got some friends over and I thought I’d give him some space.
    Rose: Oh, yeah. His support group.
    Alan: He claims it’s not a support group.
    Rose: Oh, please. He also claims he’s not in love with me.

& Alan: What do you want, Rose?
    Rose: Nothing. I was just sitting over there in Charlie’s car... and thought you might like some company.

& Charlie: I jumped through hoops to get into this group. I had to be recommended, then I had to get to know you guys. Now Alan thinks he can waltz right in because he’s my little brother? It’s not fair!
    Harry Dean Stanton: Let me tell you something about fair. ........... What?

& Rose: Believe me, Alan, I understand how hurtful it is to be rejected by Charlie. And I found that the only way to get through it is to just love him more. That, and every so often, sneak into his bedroom and try on his underwear.
    Alan: Helpful tip.

& Charlie: Coop, what’s up with your fixation on women who resemble Tobey Maguire?
    Bobby Cooper: I think I finally got over that one. I went to see Spider-Man 2. Nothing.

& Alan: Guys, this isn’t funny! ... Clammy hands... Nausea... Guys... Hey, guys? Guys?!

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camaraderie — товарищество; дух товарищества
relapse — рецидив; повторение

+ quotes on the Imdb.

__ Nice support group. Colorful. And very supportive.