Two and a Half Men 1x17

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

& Judith: Where’s Alan?Charlie: He’s in the kitchen. Walk this way. ... Master, your sexually ambivalent ex-wife is here.Judith: I’m not ambivalent, I’m exploring.
    Charlie: Yes, mistress.

& Alan: What do you say to Grandma?
    Jake: Can I at least open it first?
    Alan: Jake!
    Evelyn: No, he’s right. Wait and see if he likes it... Now you can thank me.
    Jake: ... Thank you.
    Evelyn: I’m kidding. No little boy wants a framed picture of his grandmommy. This is for your daddy.
    Jake: What do you say, Dad?

& Evelyn: I am deeply insulted.
    Alan: Come on, Mom. This is only if Judith and I both die, and we’re not dying. At least, not before you.
    Evelyn: Now you’re wishing me dead...
    Alan: No, Mom. No, it’s...
    Evelyn: Give me back my picture! ... No. Better you should look at it and feel shame.

---

& Charlie: Hi, we need to see a doctor.
    Nurse: All right. Just fill this out and have a seat.
    Charlie: No, you don’t understand. He hit his head, he’s bleeding.
    Nurse: Did he lose consciousness?
    Charlie: No. I got a little woozy*, though.

& Charlie: Hello. Hey, Judith... No, it’s me, Charlie... What am I doing with Alan’s phone? Why? Do you want custody of that, too?.. Come on, that’s funny... I don’t know. Maybe Alan and l accidentally switched phones. Why don’t you try calling him on mine?.. 310-LICKME... I didn’t pick it, but that’s what it spells.

& Alan: So, you’re saying that because I didn’t name you as Jake’s guardian, you’re switching your medical power of attorney from me to Charlie?
    Charlie: What’s going on?
    Alan: Hang on. If Mom’s ever in a coma, you’re the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
    Charlie: Pull.

& Alan: And if, God forbid, something should ever happen to Judith and me, I would be very comfortable knowing that you were looking after my son. Dead, but comfortable.

--
woozy — пьяный; неустойчивый; неясный; ошалевший

+ quotes on the Imdb.