The Hangover Part II

& Tracy: Where the hell are you?
    Phil: It happened again!
    Tracy: Don’t say that, please!
    Phil: No this time we really fucked up. Seriously!
    Tracy: What is wrong with you three?
    Phil: So much Trace, I don’t even know where to begin.

& Tracy: Oh god! How bad is it, like, no wedding bad?
    Phil: A little worse than that.

& Phil: Who gives a shit about her parents! Her dad hates you!
    Stu: He doesn’t hate me! He’s just never spoken to me... I think it’s a cultural thing.
    Phil: Why can’t you just get married in Vegas like you did the last time. It’s so much easier.
    Stu: Why can’t you just be excited for me?

& Doug: Alan considers you to be one of his best friends.
    Stu: I consider Alan to be insane.

& Alan: Are you really being serious, Stu? You’re inviting me?
    Stu: Yeah why not? It’s gonna be fun, right?
    Alan: Phil, are you going?
    Phil: Of course!
    Alan: Then it will be fun.

& Stu: What the fuck are you doing, man?
    Alan: It’s my immunizations. It’s the last day I can do it.
    Stu: That’s supposed to be done by a registered nurse.
    Alan: I’m a nurse. Just not registered.

& Stu: I’ll see you in 20 minutes!

& Alan: My uncle Roger said that he once saw an albino polar bear.
    Stu: Really? Polar bears are white. How would he know if it’s an albino?
    Alan: This one was black.
    Stu: Did you ever think maybe it was just a black bear?

& Phil: Where are we?

& Chow: You ready for craziest fucking story ever...

& Phil: Ok listen. We’re just looking for a little kid.
    — 2,000 dollars.
    Phil: What!?
    — I don’t know, maybe more. How young you want this kid to be?

& Kimmy: I danced for him. He tickled me. We had sex.
    Stu: Fuck!
    Phil: It’s ok. You’re not married yet. No big deal.
    Stu: It’s cheating! No offense to you. You’re a lovely woman. It’s a violation of my moral code.
    Kimmy: Don’t be sad. Stu you loved it. You were crying, saying how special it was.
    Phil: Wait! I’m sorry. He was crying?
    Alan: What a baby. He was crying.
    Kimmy: You should have seen him. He was so sexy. The way he moved around. I had to ask him to slow down so I didn’t drop my load too quick.
    Stu: Load? What load?
    Kimmy: Oh, you know... My sperms.
    Stu: I think your English is off. You’re talking about my sperm! Where would your sperm come from?
    Kimmy: From my balls!
    Phil: Wait... Are you...
    Kimmy: Hey. You’re in Bangkok, sweetie. There’s a reason they don’t call it “Bang-cunt”.
    Stu: Oh! Oh god!
    Phil: Wow.
    Alan: I don’t get it. Is this a magic show?
    Kimmy: Come on, Stu, it was beautiful. We climaxed at the same time.
    Stu: How’s that work?
    Kimmy: Shoot my load into you. Shoot your load on the floor.
    Stu: You ruined me. Ruined bottom. Oh god!

---

& Stu: You got shot!
    Phil: I know!

& Alan: First the monkey and now my hat. How much worse can this day get.

& Stu: Well we’re livin here in Alan town.
            And he’s drivin our lives into the ground.
            When we woke up we were wasted and drunk.
            Phil got shot. We got beaten by a monk.
            I was happy, and my life was good.
            Getting married like a dentist should.
            Roasting marshmallows on a stick.
            I got fucked in the ass... by a girl with a dick.
    Alan: Oh yeah, remember that.
    Stu: And we’re livin in Alan town.

& Phil: Who is that fuckin guy, anyway?
    Chow: An investor in my business.
    Phil: Yeah, what business is that?
    Chow: It’s called “not your business”, OK!?

& Chow: I have such an erection right now!

& Alan: I’ll miss you, monkey. I wish monkeys could Skype. Maybe one day...

& Phil: You ever do anything that doesn’t end up in a standoff, Chow?
    Chow: I’m an international criminal. It always ends like this.

& Chow: Alan, account number. Come on, come on.
    Alan: 8-1-4, K as in knife, 2-3-9-8.

& Kingsley: Password?
    Chow: “baloney1”.
    Phil: Your password is “baloney1”?
    Chow: Well it used to be just “baloney” but now they make you add number. Fuckin annoying.

& Stu: Here’s the deal man. I got a dark side! There’s a demon in me!
    Alan: It’s true, he has semen in him.
    Stu: I said ’demon.’
    Alan: But you also have semen in you, remember?
    Stu: Not relevant, but thank you, Alan.

& Alan: Hello? Hi everyone! My name’s Alan Garner. I want to thank the Asiatic people for allowing us in your land.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.

__ Not bad. But first hangover's better.