Two and a Half Men 1x20

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

& Judith: All he does is sit in his room and play that damn thing. He’s isolating, Alan.
    Alan: That doesn’t mean he needs to see a therapist. He’s a normal 11-year-old kid who happens to be a little grumpy.
    Judith: And I’m a normal 35-year-old mother who is running out of patience. And by patience I mean Prozac.
    Alan: Wait a minute. You can’t still be 35, because...

& Charlie: Make him stop.
    Alan: You’re the one who bought him the guitar, Charlie.
    Charlie: The bed is vibrating so much up there I’m no longer necessary.

& Charlie: It really sounds like you’ve got your mojo working. But let’s try to turn it down now, okay?
    Jake: What’d you do that for?
    Charlie: Because I love you, and I don’t want that to change.

& Charlie: Anything bothering you?
    Jake: No.
    Charlie: You sure? ’Cause it seems like something’s bothering you.
    Jake: Okay, you wanna know what’s bothering me?
    Charlie: Yeah.
    Jake: People keep on asking me what’s bothering me.

& Charlie: Did you figure out what his problem is?
    Alan: No, but we determined mine was late-onset puberty.
    Charlie: You were a Mexican hairless, weren’t you?

& Charlie: Morning.
    Alan: Morning. Did your guest leave?
    Charlie: No, she’s sleeping in. Please do not let me forget again.
    Alan: Perhaps you should put a Post-it Note on your penis.
    Charlie: Yeah, but then I’d have to take down the sign for the yard sale.

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& Judith: It would be nice if you took a little responsibility for Jake’s problems.
    Alan: She’s right, Charlie.
    Charlie: Me? What did I do?
    Judith: You taught him how to gamble.
    Alan: You brought strange women into the house.
    Judith: You taught him how to curse in ltalian.
    Alan: Your drinking sets a bad example.
    Charlie: Let’s get one thing straight. I taught him how to curse in Spanish.

& Dr. Linda Freeman (aka Sue): I invited him to share his feelings with me in a confidential, non-threatening context. And after hearing everything he had to say, I must tell you very frankly... Who am I kidding, I got nothing.
    Alan: That’s it? $150 an hour for “l got nothing”?
    Dr. Linda Freeman: It’s $175. But that’s not really the point now, is it?

& Berta: I hope you don’t mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
    Alan: What did you say?
    Berta: I said, drink this bottle of prune juice. You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes. It’s a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.