Two and a Half Men 1x18

An Old Flame with a New Wick

& Bill: Charlie, look at me.
    Charlie: How do you know my name?
    Bill: It’s me.
    Charlie: Me who? ... No!
    Bill: Yes.
    Charlie: Jill?!
    Bill: Bill.
    Charlie: No.... We’re gonna need two shots of tequila.
    Bill: That’s okay, I don’t want to...
    Charlie: They’re not for you.

& Charlie: Good luck with the penis.

& Alan: Mom’s here.
    Charlie: No problem, I’m drunk.

& Alan: I’m trying, Charlie. I’m trying to be open-minded. But our mom with a guy who’s younger than us, it’s just freaking me out.
    Charlie: Trust me, Alan. Very soon you’re gonna be looking back on this moment with fond nostalgia.

& Alan: Do you realize what this means?
    Charlie: Yes. I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman’s body. Or, and this is my new favorite, and the title of my autobiography, ’My mom and I slept with the same dude.’

---

& Alan: What do you want to hear?
    Charlie: I want you to tell me that there is no chance that either of us will ever have to call a woman I slept with “Daddy.”

& Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?
    Charlie: Like what?
    Berta: I don’t know. Go to a fun party? See a great movie? Run into an old flame with a new wick*? What are the odds?.. One brother turns them gay, and the other turns them guy.
    Charlie: If you don’t mind, Berta, I’d rather not talk about it.
    Berta: Okay. I’ll fix you something to eat. How about a sausage link and a couple eggs?

& Evelyn: You know, I’d really rather not discuss this in front of the help.
    Charlie: Berta, could you give us some privacy?
    Berta: Hell, no.
    Charlie: Sorry.

& Alan: Wow, she doesn’t know.
    Charlie: Someone’s going to have to tell her.
    Berta: Charlie?
    Charlie: What?
    Berta: I’ll clean your house free for a month if you let me do it.

& Alan: Okay, we’ll make a list. The pros and cons of continuing your relationship with Bill. Mom?
    Evelyn: Well, he certainly understands women...
    Alan: Okay, that’s a pro.
    Charlie: He used to be a woman.
    Alan: I’ll put con. He slept with Charlie when he was a woman.
    Charlie: Pro. No, wait, con. Definitely con.
    Evelyn: He knows what I like in bed.
    Charlie: He knows what I like in bed.
    Alan: We’ll call that a wash*.
    Evelyn: What’s the score?
    Alan: It’s about even.
    Evelyn: He’s gorgeous. He can afford beach-front property and he’s got a trunk full of fabulous shoes that fit me perfectly. Don’t wait up, Mommy’s got a date.

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wick — фитиль
wash — размыв; переливание из пустого в порожнее

+ quotes on the Imdb.