Two and a Half Men 1x19

I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

& Charlie: Hey, guys, I just found out. Jake’s birthday is, like, in a week. Shouldn’t we make plans?
    Alan: You’re right, he’s a schmuck.
    Charlie: What?
    Alan: We know when his birthday is, Charlie. We were there.

& Evelyn: Open Grandmommy’s present.
    Jake: ....... Clothes?
    Evelyn: Happy birthday!
    Jake: Thanks a lot, but clothes?..
    Evelyn: Not clothes, darling. It’s Calvin Klein.
    Jake: No, it’s clothes.
    Evelyn: Believe me, sweetheart, the girls are gonna love you in this.
    Jake: What girls?
    Evelyn: All right, the other boys will be envious.
    Jake: The other boys will beat me up.
    Evelyn: Well, there’s just no pleasing you, is there?

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& Alan: Judith and Liz have been at each other’s throats for years.
    Charlie: Why’s that?
    Alan: I don’t know.
    Charlie: Maybe it’s because Liz was always more popular...
    Alan: Maybe because Judith was smarter. Maybe, and this is just a theory on my part, it had something to do with the fact that Liz did my brother in the coatroom at our wedding reception.
    Charlie: Well, no secret why she was popular.
    Alan: At our wedding reception, Charlie! In the coatroom. You were louder than the band.
    Charlie: Hey, you make it sound so sleazy.
    Alan: I’m sorry. Class it up for me.
    Charlie: Okay, to begin with, we were on a mink coat...
    Alan: Goodbye.

& Jake: Why are they fighting?
    Alan: They’re not fighting. They’re discussing.
    Jake: I’m a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.

& Evelyn: My God, that clown has no legs!

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+ quotes on the Imdb.