Two and a Half Men 1x23

Just Like Buffalo

& Alan: Jake, time to go! Get your stuff together!
    Charlie: After you drop him off at his mom’s, you want to see a movie?
    Alan: Sure, that sounds good.
    Charlie: Cool. Enjoy.

& Alan: You got everything?
    Jake: Yep.
    Alan: What about your schoolbooks?
    Jake: Oh, right.

& Alan: So, what time are you expecting Little Red Riding Hood?
    Charlie: And I’m the big, bad wolf! Very clever. And not a bad game to play later... A little huffing and puffing and blowing.
    Alan: That’s The Three Little Pigs.
    Charlie: Same wolf though, right?

& Jake: Okay, I got my schoolbooks.
    Alan: And your homework?

& Alan: Are you saying you never want to settle down?
    Charlie: You mean get married? Let me tell you something, bunky. If you’ve got someone to clean your house and do your shopping and you’re getting action on a regular basis, the only reason you need a wife is if you have some sick compulsion to give away half your stuff.
    Alan: What about kids?
    Charlie: I already got one! And the best part is he leaves before we get sick of each other. Right, dude?
    Jake: Right, dude.

& Alan: Okay, let’s go.
    Jake: Bye, Uncle Charlie.
    Charlie: See you next week.
    Alan: Where are your shoes?
    Jake: Oh, right!

& Kathleen: You are so cute!
    Jake: I know.
    Linda: You have a girlfriend yet?
    Jake: No, I’m a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
    Linda: So, you’re never going to get married?
    Jake: As long as I got someone to clean my house and action on a regular basis, I don’t need a wife.
    Judith: Excuse me?!
    Jake: I don’t want to give anybody half my stuff.

---

& Charlie: Where are the pancakes?
    Alan: What pancakes?
    Charlie: You always make pancakes on Saturday morning.
    Alan: I make them for Jake. Jake’s not here.
    Charlie: Kind of weird without him, huh?
    Alan: Yes.
    Charlie: Would it lift your spirits if you made pancakes for me?

& Charlie: Your big mistake was dealing with them as a group. The trick with women is to split them off from the herd, one by one. Otherwise, they spook* and you risk a stampede*. Kind of like buffalo.

& Berta: What, no pancakes?
    Charlie: Jake’s not here this weekend.
    Berta: Why not?
    Charlie: Apparently Jake took something I said out of context and repeated it in front of his mother and she overreacted, as is her nature.
    Berta: What did you say, numbnuts*?
    Charlie: All I said was if your domestic chores are taken care of by one woman and you have an active sexual life with other women, you don’t necessarily need yet another woman with whom to tie the matrimonial knot.
    Berta: And which category do I come in under?
    Charlie: I got to say it’s the sweet loving, Berta, because this place is a mess.

& Jake: You got a normal-sized head.
    Charlie: Thanks. I am pretty happy with it.
    Jake: I don’t get it.
    Alan: What don’t you get?
    Jake: I heard Mom say the reason Uncle Charlie gets into so much trouble is because he thinks with his little head. It’s not that little.
    Charlie: Okay, you tell your mother...
    Alan: Charlie!
    Charlie: ...that women are to be honored and respected.
    Alan: See, Jake? That’s the big head talking.
    Jake: But he only has one head.
    Charlie: You want to tell him or should we let him spin for a while?
    Alan: I’d rather he spin.
    Jake: Come on, at least give me a clue.
    Charlie: All right. What do men have that women don’t?..
    Jake: Beards.
    Charlie: Lower...
    Jake: Beards.
    Charlie: You’re right, let him spin.

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spook — привидение
stampede — паническое бегство
numbnuts = The stupidest of the stupid. A complete dumbass, one whose intelligence quotient does not surpass that of the average rock.

+ quotes on the Imdb.