Two and a Half Men 1x22

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

& Charlie: Alan?! Alan, what are you doing?
    Alan: There are dust bunnies everywhere!
    Charlie: ... So you’re vacuuming dust bunnies?
    Alan: No. Their poop. It’s all over the place.

& Rose: So, what’s going on?
    Charlie: Nothing. Alan was sleepwalking. At least, I hope that was sleepwalking.
    Rose: Sure. My parents used to put a football helmet on me and strap me in bed.
    Charlie: You were a sleepwalker?
    Rose: No.

& Charlie: If crazy ever becomes an Olympic event, I get the first two legs of the relay.

---

& Charlie: Man! I thought you didn’t want him to go back to that quack*.
    Alan: I didn’t, but Judith and I talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.

& Charlie: Okay, look, nobody likes divorce, but there are certain advantages. One of the more popular ones is you get to tell your ex-wife to bite the big one! Or whatever you got left.

& Alan: Jake, your grandmother’s here.
    Jake: Oh, man!
    Alan: I mean, right here in the room.
    Jake: Oh, man, Grandma’s here!

& Evelyn: What is it, Charlie?
    Charlie: I need to talk to you about Alan. He’s been acting really strange lately.
    Evelyn: And I suppose it’s my fault?
    Charlie: No... Well, maybe.

--
quack — шарлатан; знахарь

+ quotes on the Imdb.