The Flaming Spittoon* Acquisition
Leonard: It’s probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
Howard: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight! ... Yay.
& Sheldon: Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?
Amy: Sheldon, I’m disappointed. As a brilliant man, you’re entitled to a vice*. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But this?.. Lame-o.
& Stuart: Can I help you find anything?
Amy: A comic that depicts a woman whose bosom can’t be used as a flotation device.
Stuart: Sorry. Most of the guys who come in here like big boobs. Couple of them have big boobs.
& Howard: You interested in Amy?
Stuart: Well, I mean, she didn’t look through me with soul-sucking, ball-shriveling hatred and contempt*. I like that in a woman.
& Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something?.. It’s a little awkward.
Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching... Yes! And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities... perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things. You know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot* it back.
& Leonard: You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out.
Sheldon: The question is moot*. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.
& Leonard: All right, but for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it.
Sheldon: Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up* experimental physicist...
Leonard: I am not washed-up.
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can’t until you admit the problem.
& Penny: Well, ladies, we killed the bottle.
Amy: I had half a glass.
Bernadette: I didn’t have any.
Penny: Okay, don’t judge me.
& Bernadette: I’m too small for Twister. And roller coasters. And sitting with my feet on the floor. Hope you enjoyed the prenatal cigarettes, Mom.
& Penny: Amy, little vixen*. Just working it under all those layers of wool and polyester.
& Penny: So do you like Stuart?
Amy: I don’t know. He’s nice. He’s funny. He has the sallow, drawn countenance associated with an overactive thyroid gland. That’s kind of hot.
& Leonard: You okay?
Sheldon: Am I okay? Leonard, I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay?
& Leonard: We should go easy on him. Amy’s out with Stuart tonight.
Howard: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon’s patented blend of condescension* and no sex isn’t enough to hold on to a woman?
& Leonard: Hey, do you see this?
Sheldon: I’m in the matrix, Leonard; I see everything.
Leonard: You got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook? I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore.
Sheldon: Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.
& Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny.
& Penny: Hello, Sheldon. Come on in. What’s up?
Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.
Penny: I’m sorry, what?
Sheldon: A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.
& Penny: Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
Sheldon: I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?
& Penny: All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Sheldon: I believe I do.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon: I’m the guy.
& Penny: You’re not the guy.
Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance* with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me “sweetie” all the time.
Penny: I call everyone “sweetie.”
Sheldon: You're a tramp*.
& Penny: Look, Sheldon, all I’m saying is strap* on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Sheldon: “Strap on a pair”? Of what, skates?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.
& Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent*. No offense, Stuart.
Stuart: None taken. Although “repellent” is kind of a... kind of a strong word.
& Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
Amy: I’m listening.
Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as “not my girlfriend.”
Amy: Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative.
Sheldon: You’re being impossible.
Amy: ... Hi, Stuart.
Sheldon: Fine. Amy... will you be my girlfriend?
Amy: ... Yes.
Sheldon: Well, that’s enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here’s a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.
& Amy: How did you get into my apartment?
Sheldon: Wow. Is that the kind of nagging* I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend?
& Amy: What’s that?
Sheldon: I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as “the boyfriend,” and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as “the girlfriend”.
Amy: ... It’s so romantic.
Sheldon: Mutual indemnification* always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.
& Amy: “Section 5: Hand-holding.
Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances:
A: Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge;
B: Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize;
C: Moral support during flu shots”"
Seems a bit restrictive.
Sheldon: Feel free to retain a lawyer.
& Sheldon: Penny. Amy. Bernadette.
Amy: That’s my boyfriend. It’s open!
Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship agreement Section 4: Boo-boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy: I should’ve gotten a lawyer.
--
Spittoon — плевательница
vice — заместитель; порок; недостаток
contempt — презрение
parrot — повторять как попугай
moot — спорный
washed-up — выдохшийся; конченый; отвергнутый; ненужный
vixen — мегера; самка лисицы; сварливая женщина
condescension — снисхождение
dalliance — флирт
tramp — шлюха; распутница
strap — стягивать
repellent — отталкивающий; вызывающий отвращение; неприятный
nagging — нытье; ворчание; попреки
indemnification — компенсация; возмещение
On Imdb.
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