Two and a Half Men 1x16

That Was Saliva, Alan

& Frankie: Can we please talk about this later?
    Alan: Okay. What shall we talk about?
    Joanie: Are you guys gay?
    Frankie: Isn’t she something?

& Alan: You’re going to bail on her? Two days ago, you couldn’t wait to get her in bed.
    Charlie: That’s because two days ago, she was just a crazy stranger. If I remember correctly, you couldn’t wait to get rid of her.
    Alan: Yes, because she was a crazy stranger. Now I’ve gotten to know her and I want her to stay.

& Frankie: All right, I’m going to say this one more time real slow so there’s no confusion. You can take your damn money and stick it up your “white bread, country club, “Tournament of Roses, liposuctioned” ass.
    Judith: Hi.
    Frankie: Really? I’m garbage?!
    Judith: Is Alan here?
    Frankie: Really? Is that right?! Well, I got news for you, lady. The term is white trash.
    Judith: Do you know her?
    Jake: Nope, that’s a new one.

& Alan, I told you yesterday I was going to visit my parents. Dad’s having another colonoscopy. If I’m not there, I’ll have to watch the video.

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& Jake: That girl is really annoying.
    Charlie: I think maybe she has a crush on you.
    Jake: Yeah, that’s what’s annoying.
    Charlie: You don’t really like girls yet?
    Jake: No, I like girls. Just not into eight-year-olds.

& Charlie: Okay, would you like to hear my take on this?
    Alan: Is it positive and life affirming?
    Charlie: ... Good night, Alan.

& Joanie: Do you know where Jake is?
    Charlie: No, honey, I’m sorry.
    Joanie: We’re playing hide-and-seek.
    Charlie: I don’t know where he’s hiding.
    Joanie: No, I was hiding, and he was supposed to find me... It’s been over an hour.
    Charlie: If I see him, I’ll let him know.
    Joanie: Thank you.
    Charlie: You’re welcome.
    Jake: Thank you.
    Charlie: You’re welcome.

& Frankie: Charlie, you’re a great guy.
    Charlie: No, please, stop. Do not call me a great guy. That’s what you call the schmuck loser friend who has to dance with the hot chick’s ugly cousin.

& Frankie: Look on the bright side, Alan.
    Alan: What bright side?
    Frankie: You’re going to get laid tonight.
    Alan: Oh, boy. I think I’m going to cry again.

& Frankie: Charlie, what can I say?
    Charlie: I know. I’m a great guy.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.