Two and a Half Men 2x1

Back Off Mary Poppins

& Charlie: Hey, listen. After you drop him off at his mom’s house tonight, do me a favor? Just make yourself scarce, okay?
    Alan: What’s her name? Or is it too early to ask?

& Alan: I’m your friend!
    Charlie: No, you’re my brother.
    Alan: Wait a minute. You don’t consider me a friend?
    Charlie: It’s not up to me. A friend is someone you choose. A brother is someone you get.
    Alan: Excuse me?
    Charlie: There’s no choice involved. Your dad just wakes you up in the night and says: “Your mom wasn’t really fat and this isn’t your room anymore.”

& Jake: Dad, check this out. You can pick your friends... you can pick your nose... but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. You know who told me that?
    Alan: I can guess...
    Jake: Uncle Charlie. And you know why it’s funny? Because it’s true.

& Alan: Judith, hold on. Do you consider us friends?
    Judith: I consider you my ex-husband.
    Alan: I know. But putting aside for the moment... our loveless marriage and messy divorce... we always had a certain camaraderie*, am I right?

& Harry Dean Stanton: Let me tell you something, fellas... It doesn’t matter what the calendar says, you’re as old as you feel.
    Charlie: Me, I feel... like... boiled crap.

& Charlie: You just saw him, didn’t you? Trust me, he doesn’t get any better. I mean, he actually thinks this is a support group.
Sean Penn: This is a support group, Charlie. You’re the only one who’s pretending it’s about Scotch and cigars.
    Charlie: Whatever kind of group it is, we have rules about new guys joining.
    Sean Penn: Well, but he’s your brother.
    Bobby Cooper: He’s obviously going through a rough time.
    Elvis Costello: Seems like you should be more supportive, pal.
    Charlie: Hey, I support him plenty. I share my home with him. I share my food with him. I moved my foosball table so he could park in my garage... What more do you people want from me?
    Harry Dean Stanton: Let me tell you something about sharing, kid. Sharing is a two-way street. When you share with another human being... you always get back more than you gave. Assuming that you’re smart enough to share with somebody... that’s got more stuff than you had in the beginning.

---

& Harry Dean Stanton: Let me tell you something about relevant. The root of the word relevant is... “rel”... which is also the root of the word “relative.” Your brother is your relative, ergo, your brother is relevant.
    Charlie: What?!
    Harry Dean Stanton: Another “rel” word is “relapse*.” But I’ll wait my turn.

& Rose: Hey, neighbor. What are you doing out here all by your lonesome?
    Alan: Charlie’s got some friends over and I thought I’d give him some space.
    Rose: Oh, yeah. His support group.
    Alan: He claims it’s not a support group.
    Rose: Oh, please. He also claims he’s not in love with me.

& Alan: What do you want, Rose?
    Rose: Nothing. I was just sitting over there in Charlie’s car... and thought you might like some company.

& Charlie: I jumped through hoops to get into this group. I had to be recommended, then I had to get to know you guys. Now Alan thinks he can waltz right in because he’s my little brother? It’s not fair!
    Harry Dean Stanton: Let me tell you something about fair. ........... What?

& Rose: Believe me, Alan, I understand how hurtful it is to be rejected by Charlie. And I found that the only way to get through it is to just love him more. That, and every so often, sneak into his bedroom and try on his underwear.
    Alan: Helpful tip.

& Charlie: Coop, what’s up with your fixation on women who resemble Tobey Maguire?
    Bobby Cooper: I think I finally got over that one. I went to see Spider-Man 2. Nothing.

& Alan: Guys, this isn’t funny! ... Clammy hands... Nausea... Guys... Hey, guys? Guys?!

--
camaraderie — товарищество; дух товарищества
relapse — рецидив; повторение

+ quotes on the Imdb.

__ Nice support group. Colorful. And very supportive.

Misfits 3x5

Episode #3.5

Brandon Flowers - On The Floor

When the lights go down in the city
Getting real low
Settling in my room
I’m unnoticed

When the still comes in through my window
Letting me go
I feel a calm, come over me, on the floor

& Clare: So, my name’s Clare Bradman, I’m a behavioural therapist and I specialise in issues around anger management. {...} All we do is we just sit here and we talk.
    Ruby: We “talk”?
    Clare: You sound surprised?
    Ruby: Well, yeah, because it’s anger management. I... I don’t know, I thought we’d be smashing some stuff up or putting some boxing gloves on, taking turns beating the shit out of each other. Do we not? We don’t do that, do we?

& Clare: What was it, do you think, that made you react the way you did?
I honestly don’t know... It were a full moon. I tend to go a bit mental on a full moon... I’m like half-wolf... I do have exceptionally hairy balls, so...

& Jen-in-Kelly: Dom. It’s OK. Everything’s going to be OK. It’s me. It’s Jen. I’m Jen. In here.

Anna Calvi — First We Kiss

♪ First we’ll kiss ♪
♪ Then you will lock the door, my dear ♪
♪ A perfect kiss... ♪

& Jen-in-Kelly: I know this is weird, but this is the only way we can be together.
    Dom: Yeah, I know.

& Ruby: Oh... Right, has anyone seen the other me? He didn’t come home last night, you know.

& Ruby: I just feel weird when he’s not inside me. Do you know what I mean? ... Not that kind of “inside me.” Don’t do that!

---

& Shaun: Hold up. Where’s the other one?
    Alisha: Oh, she just phoned me... She’s not well.
    Simon: She’s got... period pains... Bad ones.
    Shaun: Don’t you hate it when that happens?.. You know, when you get the really bad ones?
    Alisha: Terrible.
    Shaun: Well... that’s her in the shit.

Golfrapp — Crystalline Green

♪ Here we go, driving down ♪
♪ Deep and wide ♪
♪ Slow down ♪
♪ On the beach... ♪

& Clare: So...
    Ruby: Here we are again.
    Clare: I was thinking... For today’s session, if it’s OK with you... we could, um, pick up where we left off.
    Ruby: That’s interesting. That’s... Oh! Hang... hang on. ...... It’s nothing. Carry on, it’s all right. ... Oh, therapy... I love it!

& Ruby: Hey! Come here! Oh, let me tell you something, right, she is one amazing therapist. I can’t believe the council actually pay for that kind of thing. And I tell you something else, if I could be bothered, I would write a letter to Social Services and just congratulate them. Seriously.
    Shaun: Move.

& Ruby-1: No! No! You’re not going out with her, man.
    Ruby-2: She’s better than some of the skanky horrible sluts you end up with.
    Ruby-1: She’s old and she’s a psycho and she cries after she’s wanked people off.

& Dom: What are you doing?
    Jen-in-Kelly: Turning her off. You’ll have no choice. You’ll have to be with me.

& Ruby: Hiya. Just to let you know, I’ve been having a think about us... Yeah, it’s not going to happen. Right? I mean, listen, thanks for the hand job and the sex and all that. Brilliant. But you are... you’re quite old and you cry, a lot. Hmm? Bye, then.

& Curtis: OK. That’s not Kelly.
    Ruby: No, she is sexy though, hmm! For a coma victim, she is.

& Alisha: Kelly. That’s Kelly.
    Simon: It’s a body-swap. They must’ve switched places.
    Ruby: Oh, my God. This is like that film with Nicolas Cage in... Face/Off.
    Simon: Face/Off wasn’t a body-swap. They had surgery to look like each other.
    Ruby: Oh.
    Simon: This is more like Freaky Friday.
    Alisha: Who gives a shit?! What are we going to do about Kelly?

& Ruby: Hiya, hello, I’m just visiting my granddad, and I’m pretty sure he’s prolapsed his anus. I mean, I’m not an expert, but it’s looking that way. Could you just come and have a look for me?

& Shaun: Why did she stab me? What did I ever do to her?
    Simon: ... That wasn’t Kelly. She swapped bodies.
    Shaun: What?!
    Simon: We’ve kind of got these powers. We’re like superheroes.

& Shaun: What the fuck?
    Simon: You’ll be fine.
    Shaun: I can’t believe I never picked up on it. You bunch of dicks. Fucking superheroes?

Clare Maguire — This is Not the End

♪ And when I’m gone ♪
♪ We’ll meet again ♪
♪ As often do the closest friends ♪
♪ So dry your eyes ♪
♪ And lay me down ♪
♪ I tell you this is not the end... ♪

& Seth: So I guess you stood me up.
    Kelly: I was in a fucking coma.
    Seth: Oh, that’s your excuse, is it?

& Kelly: Cheers for getting me out and everything.
    Seth: It’s OK.
    Kelly: But then I saved you from the Nazis so we’re probably all square.

--
On Imdb.

__ Gr8 episode. Amazing soundtrack. Kelly’s the best. It’s just pity... We’ve lost Shaun, the probation worker.

__ Soundtracks... Looks like all this's about to introduce a bunch of [not-so-well-known] performers.

Дмитрий Быков — Христос

Прощай, кукушка — 1

  “Чем хороша рота, так это полной одновременностью всего у всех. ...

&  Ведь в роте как: сейчас всё вроде в порядке, друзья есть, врагов явных не видно — а выделишься чуть, и займешь нишу Чуви. Когда сто здоровых рыл, работать надо, строевая каждый день и сало на завтрак, обед и ужин, — обязательно есть ниша чмыря, чмошника, эта ниша занята Чуви, но любой из нас — я говорю: любой! — может в ней оказаться ежесекундно. Тут надо балансировать на проволоке, чтобы и самому себя не съесть от совести, и тебя чтобы не съели.

&  То-то и кошмар: мы травим Чуви, а на самом деле травим не его, а нишу, а в нише может быть любой из нас, то есть мы травим себя же.

---

&  В армии после года у мозга нет новой пищи, он начинает, как голодный желудок, сам себя переваривать, начинается то же, что и язва желудка, но только язва мозгов. Жуткое дело. ...правы были деды: последние полгода — самая жуть. Как первые. Потому что уже мысли только о доме, делать ничего не можешь по определению, мозги едят сами себя.

  ... И ни в роте, ни в части, ни в госпитале ни одной живой душе не пришло в голову, что он, единственный человек, пожалевший последнего чмошника, — ЧТО ИМЕННО ОН-ТО И БЫЛ ХРИСТОС.”

__ В 1987 году писано, чо ж. Нормалёк.

House M.D. 8x8

Perils of Paranoia

& Tommy: I’m gonna need a continuance.
    Judge: Now? You’re one answer away from destroying their whole defense! {...} Let’s finish this up.
    Tommy: I can’t.
    Judge: Why the hell not?
    Tommy: Because I think I’m having a heart attack.

& Chase: They get to just hang out and do nothing?
    House: If you need help, you can take whoever you want.
    Chase: I’ll take Taub.
    Adams: I’ll take Taub.
    House: Interesting...
    Park: No, it’s not.
    Adams: It was a 50/50 choice! I’m totally fine with Taub or Park.
    Chase: Cool. I’ll take Taub.

& House: Well, you obviously found something.
    Park: Yeah. A hidden bunker with enough guns to defend Fort Knox.     Or break into it.
    House: Cool.

& Adams: You’re not gonna believe this.
    House: Imperio absenti chaos regit. He’s worried that “too big to fail” applies to our banks but not our government.
    Adams: How’d you know?
    House: Because that’s what every idiot with a bunker full of assault rifles is scared of.

& Park: I don’t own a gun. I’ve thought about it, but I’d probably end up shooting someone in my own family, like when my brother tosses his toenail clippings behind the couch. What about you?
    Taub: If anarchy breaks out, I plan to do what my ancestors have done throughout the ages... run.

---

& House: He’s not paranoid. He’s just stupid.
    Wilson: Well, shouldn’t you put yourself in that group? You own a gun.
    House: Our patient doesn’t own a gun. He owns an arsenal. And... I don’t own a gun.

& Adams: So why didn’t you want to go with her this morning?
    Chase: She’s weird.
    Adams: She’s not weird. She’s a good doctor.
    Chase: Most good doctors are weird. Look at House.
    Adams: Am I weird?
    Chase: Yeah, but you’re hot, so it’s easier to put up with. You’re completely normal and a pleasure to deal with.
    Adams: You’re weird.
    Chase: In a good way?

& House: It looks absolutely nothing like frostbite.
    Ethan: You serious?
    House: With some difficulty.
    Ethan: Then what is it?
    House: A sign that you need to take a long vacation. At least a month.
    Ethan: A vacation? Wait, is this like a bucket list thing? It’s cancer.
    House: It’s silver. I’m guessing silver nitrate mixed with petroleum jelly that your boss put on the petty cash so he’d know who to have arrested for stealing it.
    Ethan: Damn.
    House: Yeah, damn. It’s diffused into your skin, and the only way to get rid of it is to get new skin. That normally happens every 30 days. So I hear that La Crosse, Wisconsin has got the world’s largest beer can.

& Wilson: Gotcha!
    House: You poor dumb bastard.

& Wilson: Well, you don’t have a gun, but you do have my sunglasses, my tennis racket... I can’t imagine why...
    House: Had to kill a mouse. It was really hard with those stupid little sunglasses.
    Wilson: And my money clip.
    House: Was there any money in it?
    Wilson: Not anymore.

& Foreman: You’re an ass. You know that?
    Taub: What’s the problem? Some cute young nurse baked you cookies?
    Foreman: No, some guy almost caught me making out with his wife in their living room.
    Taub: And how exactly is that my fault?

& Wilson: All right.
    House: All right, what?
    Wilson: You win.
    House: And it feels good.
    Wilson: Grr.

--
On Imdb.

Terra Nova 1x9

Now You See Me

& Taylor: You know, Skye, your parents would be real proud of the young woman you’ve become.
    Skye: You say that every year.
    Taylor: Well, it’s true every year.

& Mira: Well, isn’t it a lousy day to be you?

& Taylor: Your turn to wear the cuffs.

& Malcolm: You are insane!
    Jim: I’m motivated. Big difference.

& Taylor: We can fight each other... or we can fight them.

---

& Taylor: Could have been different.
    Mira: What’s that?
    Taylor: You and I. I figure there’s a parallel universe out there somewhere where... we are allies.
    Mira: I’ve had that thought.

& Mira: Taylor?.. Nice hunting with you.
    Taylor: I was about to say the same thing.

& Mira: Look, your son is close to figuring out how to reverse the portal. This really is almost over.
    Taylor: Maybe so. Question is... how does it end?
    Mira: We’ll find out soon enough.

--
On Imdb.

The Walking Dead 2x7

Pretty Much Dead Already

& Glenn: Um, guys. So... The barn is full of walkers.

& Glenn: Why would you waste an egg like that?

& Rick: Please do not... do not send us out there again. My wife’s pregnant. That’s either a gift here or a death sentence out there.


& Shane: Lori’s having a baby, man... Congratulations.
    Rick: ... Thank you.

& Hershel: So we just keep these people here forever? How are they my responsibility?
    Maggie: A new command I give to you: Love one another as I have loved you.

& Shane: See, Rick, he ain’t built for this world, not for what it is now.
    Lori: You’re wrong. You’re wrong.
    Shane: Lori, how many times has he saved your life? I just... I want to know how many times. Because by my count, I’ve saved your life on four different occasions. And that’s Carl’s too. So I just want to ask you, how many times has Rick saved your life?
    Lori: That night at the camp... That night at the camp after the fish fry.
    Shane: No-no-no. See, no. That was me too.

& Hershel: How many have you killed?
    Rick: Too many to count.
    Hershel: Can you stop?

& Hershel: There are people out there who haven’t been in their right minds, people who I believe can be restored.
    Rick: You’re not talking about the walkers, are you?
    Hershel: It doesn’t matter if you see them as human beings anymore. But if you and your people are going to stay here, that’s how you’re gonna have to treat them. My farm, my barn, my say.

---

& Hershel: Lead him lead him, Rick. You’re the carrot, not the stick.
    Rick: What?!
    Hershel: You heard me, just lead him.

& Glenn: Listen, you see I forgot. Okay? I forgot or I stopped thinking about it or maybe I didn’t want to think about it. I let them lower me into that well like it was fun, like I was playing “Portal.” It’s a video game.
    Maggie: Of course it’s a video game.
    Glenn: I forgot that they’re dangerous. I don’t care if they’re sick people or dead people, they’re dangerous.

& Glenn: I hate to blow your dad’s big secret, but I’m sick of secrets. Secrets get you killed.

& Dale: You gonna shoot me like you did Otis? Tell another story?
    Shane: No, man. Hell, when you really look at it in the cold light of day, you’re pretty much dead already.

& Dale: This is where you belong, Shane. This world, what it is now, this is where you belong. And I may not have what it takes to last for long, but that’s okay. ’Cause at least I can say when the world goes to shit I didn’t let it take me down with it.

& Shane: That is enough! Enough risking our lives for a little girl who’s gone! Enough living next to a barn full of things that are trying to kill us. Enough. Rick, it ain’t like it was before! Now if y’all want to live, if you want to survive, you got to fight for it! I’m talking about fighting right here, right now.

& Carol: Sophia? Sophia! Oh no. Sophia.

--
On the Imdb.

__ What's left? Group dynamics isn'it? C u l8r, alligators. Till February, 12, practically speaking.

Бернхард Шлинк — Обман Зельба

Герхард Зельб — 2

  “Такой приблизительно я когда-то представлял себе свою будущую дочь. ...

&  Я знаю и ценю работы Нэгельсбаха, но иллюзии реальности, сопоставимой с пробковыми моделями, они действительно не дают. Что я мог ему сказать? Что искусство – это не копирование, а самостоятельное творчество? Что в жизни важна не цель, а путь? Что художественная литература проявила интерес как раз не к Амундсену, а к Скотту?

&  Оказывается, в старости провалы и неудачи переносить ничуть не легче, чем в молодости. Правда, ты получаешь по голове не в первый раз, но зато вполне возможно, что в последний.

&  Моего сознания в этот момент хватило только на то, чтобы вспомнить, что в месяцы, в названии которых имеется звук «р», сидеть на голой земле не рекомендуется.

&  Одно из преимуществ старости состоит в том, что тебе все верят, что бы ты ни говорил. Просто у стариков уже нет сил использовать это преимущество в качестве брачных аферистов и мошенников. Да и на что нам уже эти деньги?

&  ...и карикатурный рисунок двух мужчин: «Вам трудно принимать решения?» – спрашивает один. «И да, и нет», – отвечает другой.

&  Я вообще-то довольно скептически отношусь к прогрессу и эволюции. Но то, что у людей эротическая коммуникация уже вышла за рамки обнюхивания деревьев и углов, – без сомнения, явный эволюционный прогресс.

&  Наши встречи напоминали противостояние за шахматной доской. Не шахматные вечера с Эберхардом, когда я не надеюсь на победу и даже не думаю о ней, а просто любуюсь красотой его комбинаций и радуюсь нашему общению. А те партии, в которых я собирал всю свою волю, чтобы разбить противника. Партии – как поединки на саблях, в которых ты стремишься победить соперника не физически, а морально.

&  Мы с Ману приготовили спагетти аль песто. Пусть учится. Узнать, что сливки – это тело, а полынь – душа светлых соусов для спагетти, никогда не рано.

&  Зачем отравлять человеку жизнь вопросами, которые он и сам мог бы себе задать, но не хочет.

&  В жизни нельзя вновь браться за то, на чем ты в свое время поставил крест

---

&  Что меня особенно занимало и волновало в эти выходные, так это моя влекущая вдаль романтическая тоска в сочетании с ностальгией. Романтическая тоска – это тоска по некой новой родине, которой мы еще не знаем, а ностальгия – тоска по старой родине, которую мы уже не знаем, хотя думаем, что знаем.

&  Текст – это дело десятое. Если понадобится, я и сам могу написать. Материал – вот что главное, а собирать материал – значит фотографировать. Без видеоряда и картинки нет рассказа.

&  Мне всегда было трудно поверить в существование того, чего я не вижу, – в Бога, в относительность пространства и времени, во вред от курения, в озоновую дыру.

&  Сначала я ... хотел ответить нечленораздельным и ни к чему не обязывающим «мгм». Никогда не говори «да» или «нет», если твоего собеседника устраивает и «мгм».

&  Я не сетую на свой возраст. Но бывают июньские вечера, в которые кажешься себе лишним в этом мире, если ты не молод и не влюблен.

&  Люди не убивают просто из-за денег. Они вообще убивают только по какой-то определенной причине: когда у них нет другого способа оправдать тот или иной самообман. Убийство из ревности – когда любимый человек умер, его никто у тебя уже не отнимет, ни соперник, ни он сам. Заказное убийство – профессиональный киллер ничего не может, ничего не имеет и ничего собой не представляет и хочет своим профессионализмом доказать обратное. Тираны убивают из стремления к величию, их самих убивают, когда кто-то хочет сделать этот мир лучше, чем он есть. Существует и коллективное убийство ради коллективного самообмана... Разумеется, существует и убийство из алчности, но цель его не в том, чтобы награбить, накопить деньги, – оно тоже должно оправдать ложные мечты о величии и значимости.

&  Он не был счастлив. Но где написано, что мы родились для того, чтобы быть счастливыми?

&  – Запомни: какие мочки ушей, такие и груди...

&  Я задумался о пресловутой гордыне, которая предшествует падению, и о падении как результате гордыни.

&  Кому интересно то, о чем не пишут в газетах и не говорят по телевидению? А то, что неинтересно, не имеет значения – действительно лишь то, что имеет значение.

&  Не знаю, во что человек вообще может верить, если он год за годом препарирует главные вопросы бытия для обсуждения на семинарах.

&  Конечно, я знаю, что женщины возвращаются из парикмахерской другими, не такими, какими туда отправляются. Для того они туда и ходят. Я знаю также, что после этого они обычно чувствуют себя несчастными. Им нужно время, чтобы свыкнуться со своим новым образом, им нужны наши восторги и уверения в том, что этот образ им к лицу. Любые критические и тем более назидательные или злорадные замечания противопоказаны. Подобно тому как храбрый индеец мужественно переносит боль, никак не выражая ее на лице, храбрый свидетель демонстрации новой прически не должен выражать на своем лице испуг.

  ... Я помахал себе рукой.”

Правосудие Зельба (Герхард Зельб—1)

Прощание Зельба (Герхард Зельб—3)

Larry Crowne

& Larry Crowne: You zone the entire depot, every rack, before you punch out. It’s not just policy. It’s the right thing to do.

& Larry: You know, I think I know what this is about.
    Andrews: I don’t think you do.
    Cox: Crowne... There’s been a restructuring ordered throughout the UMart nation. Now, “restructuring” is their word. Ask me, it’s a pain in the tuchis. That’s right, isn’t it, tuchis, where you get kicked?
    Hurley: A Yiddish word, yeah.
    Andrews: Absolutely. It’s like the buttocks.
    Hurley:  Tuchis and buttocks, synonymous.
    Cox: Well, it hurts when you get kicked back there no matter what language you’re speaking.
    Larry: You bet.

& Cox: Larry, I’m sorry, but we’ve come to a parting of the ways, UMart and you.

& Frances: What sin did you commit to have a class at 8:00 a.m.?
    Mercedes: Earning a master’s in comparative political discourse in the plays of Shakespeare and Shaw. You?
    Frances: Well, I just started race-walking at the track. It was fun.
    Mercedes: I hope I am never like that.

& Mercedes: When was the last time you looked at your life and saw nothing but fraud?

& Mercedes: This is it? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. My day has just been made.

& Mercedes: My name is Miss Tainot, T-A-I-N-O-T, Tainot. Not “Tie-knot”. Tay-no.

& Steve: Miss Tie-knot? Uh, Tay-knot? Tae-Bo?
    Mercedes: Really? Who are you?
    Steve: Steve Dibiasi. D-I-B-I-A-S-I.

& Talia: I’ve been thinking about you and I don’t even know your name.
    Larry: Larry. Larry Crowne. Hi. This is, uh...
    Celestina: Lala.
    Larry: Lala.
    Talia: Larry and Lala. I don’t think so. I used to be Kathryn, until I looked in the mirror and saw a girl named Talia.
    Celestina: My real name is Celestina.
    Talia: Celestina? How gorgeous. You... Lance. Lance Corona. Wanna join my gang?

& Dean Tainot: I’m a guy who’s a guy being a guy!

& Mercedes: Next, please.
    Steve: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I got one now! You will dig it.
    Mercedes: Are you clairvoyant*?
    Steve: No. Steve Dibiasi.

& Dr. Matsutani: They call them “smart phones”, but only dummies use them in my class.

& Frank: You see this body here? One time, it was nothing but a mass of chiselled muscle and bone.
    Dell Gordo: Really? What year was that?
    Frank: 19-kiss-my-ass.

---

& Larry: What is going on out there?
    Talia: Just introducing you to a little thing called feng shui.

& Dell Gordo: What’s your real name, Lance?
    Larry: Larry Crowne, with an “E”.
    Dell Gordo: Dell Gordo, with a “G”. Shake hands... Look each other in the eyes... Firm grips. Larry: No contest, but firm. Hold it... Stack it.

& Larry: I am so sorry I’m late. Dr. Matsutani, can I still sit in?
    Dr. Matsutani: This is college, Mr. Crowne. There are only two things you can’t do, smoke in the building and use your phone in my class.

& Dean Tainot: I had four postings today alone! Fogcaster, Skyscan, Parsec12.com.
    Mercedes: They’re not postings, they’re comments. Comments! Like, “You’re lame” is a comment.
    Dean Tainot: And who are you to judge me, Boozilla?

& Mercedes: We’re going so slow a cat could knock us over, you know that, right?
    Larry: I’ve never given anyone a ride before! I wanna make sure we both survive! ... Pardon me?
    Mercedes: I said “ha, ha, ha”.

& Mercedes: I have 30 seconds to disarm the alarm or the cops will be here in half an hour. They’re slow.

& Steve: “Disraeli”? What is that?
    Mercedes: “Who” is that.
    Steve: Guy from Disrael. I’m done!

& Mercedes: You’re a great student. I’m not an easy A.

& Larry: Are you hungry?
    Mercedes: Extremely.
    Larry: Let me show you the world’s smallest kitchen.

--
clairvoyant — ясновидящий

+ quotes on the Imdb.

__ Hanks & Roberts add up to 6/10 in total? Seriously? O tempora o mores!..

Hung 1x2

Great Sausage or Can I Call You Dick?

& Drecker: As Yogi Berra used to say, when you come to a fork in the road, take it.

& Drecker: You’re not gonna eat anything? Sure you don’t want some of my sausage?
    Tanya: I don’t eat sausage. And I don’t like corporate chain restaurants.

& Drecker: What does this have to do with happiness?
    Tanya: “Happiness consultant” is a key component to our marketing plan. I might even call it the secret to our success. Now our goal is for women to see happiness but think great sex.

& Tanya: I know we might have to start with baby steps, but my goal is for us to be pulling down a couple thousand dollars a night.
    Drecker: You think I’m that good?
    Tanya: Maybe... if you work on your technique a little bit.
    Drecker: ’A little bit’... My technique is fine, Tanya. All right? I’ve been pleasing women for decades now. You’re not my only screamer.
    Tanya: I’m just saying that you might need a little training. In the foreplay department.

& Tanya: Remember how I told you I’m going into business? What I have is a service to offer. A service I think some of your clients might be very interested in.
    Lenore: What are you talking about? What kind of service?
    Tanya: It’s a combination of things. I’m hoping to make money and bring something positive into the world at the same time. Well, it’s a sexual service, actually.
    Lenore: You’re a prostitute?!
    Tanya: No, Lenore! I’m not a prostitute... I’m a pimp.
    Lenore: What?!

---

& Tanya: Seriously, Lenore, we are a high-end service and I’m willing to offer your clients a significant discount.
    Lenore: I don’t know, Tanya... I don’t recommend anything to my clients that I don’t know intimately myself. Get what I’m saying?

& Lenore: So he’ll do me for free?
    Tanya: We don’t really do that. But, Lenore, I would be willing to make it pay what you will. I’m sure you’ll be happy to pay. And with a discount, of course.
    Lenore: All right, I’ll try him. And if I like him I’ll recommend him. By the way, what does he do? Will he lick my ass?

& Jess: Are you mad that I fell in love with Ronnie?
    Damon: We’re not mad at you. We just want to eat ice cream.

& Drecker: I hate suits! I don’t wear this shit. I feel like a fricking mortgage broker.
    Tanya: You’re not you. You’re whoever they want you to be.
    Drecker: Why can’t they just fuck me for me?

& Tanya: By the way, what are your dos and don’ts? You know, what is the line that you won’t cross?
    Drecker: I’m a normal guy, you know? I’ll do normal things. Market me that way.
    Tanya: What’s normal?

Morcheeba — Everybody Loves A Loser

This time, you have to face your future
Although it’s just a dusty road
It’s clear that backing down don’t suit you
I’d hate, to break your sacred code
People, along for the ride
High noon, getting closer

I think you’ll find, everybody loves a loser
So you’ll be fine, you won’t be lonely long
I think you’ll find, everybody loves a loser
So you’ll be fine, you won’t be lonely long

& Drecker: I don’t really dance.
    Lenore: What do you do then?
    Drecker: ... You’re very pretty.
    Lenore: Who told you to say that? Listen, I’m not a romantic. I think like a man. I want to cut the bullshit and get to the fucking. I just need to know your name so I know what to scream when you’re banging me.
    Drecker: ... Richard.
    Lenore: Can I call you... Dick?

& Drecker: Tanya, you got to call me back. Right away. I’ve got to leave. I can’t find my shirt. I can’t find my underwear. I can’t find my wallet. I’ve got to be in class, there’s no friggin’ maid. And I think your friend might have stole my stuff.

& Rhonda: Is that a hickey on your neck?
    Drecker: Where am I gonna get a hickey from? I’m divorced.

& Tanya: Will you let it go and tell me how it was?
    Drecker: It was okay.
    Tanya: Okay? Can you use more adjectives?
    Drecker: Fine, it was exhausting, irritating, emasculating, never-ending and vaguely pleasant.

& Tanya: Oh my god, I hate this job. Let’s make $1 million, Ray.
    Drecker: Yeah, sure. I’m game.

--
On Imdb.

Lie to Me 2x1

The Core of It

& Lightman: She’s right when she says I’ll know if you’re lying, But what I wanna know is why. That’s still your secret.

& Lightman: How come no one ever looks me in the eye at these things?

& Reynolds: So this is what you dragged me down here for?.. You know, every hotel room this side of town is gonna be ripe with blood and various other human discharges. No body, no crime.

& Jessie: What the hell?
    Lightman: Just giving you some privacy.
    Jessie: Met some freaks in my time, but this place is Perv central.
    Lightman: Oh, you might have a point there.
    Jessie: Guess if you’re payin’ for it.

---

& Lightman: I smell that bad, Gavin?
    Gillian: You’re holding your breath. Which could mean you’re tense or upset... Or it could mean you’re hiding something. ... Exhale marks the spot.

& Sophie: Dr. Lightman, what’s going on?
    Lightman: Now, before I do this, I want you to know that I’m sorry... Take your clothes off!
    Sophie: What?!
    Lightman: Take your clothes off, you dirty, filthy whore! Take your clothes off!

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

Rome 2x1

Passover

& Atia: What did you do then?
    Mark Antony: What did I do? Why, nothing I could do. Caesar was dead. I was unarmed.
    Atia: Well, I would have ripped them to pieces with my bare hands.
    Mark Antony: That’s easy for you to say. You know nothing of violence. 12 mangy dogs can kill a lion.
    Atia: Well, if you say so.

& Posca: ’I leave to Gaius Octavian, who is henceforth to be regarded for all intents and purposes as my lawful son and sole heir.’
    Atia: Octavian? My Octavian?
    Mark Antony: What else?
    Posca: He stipulates that the slave known as Posca... that is I... am to be given my liberty with an appropriate stipend.
    Mark Antony: ... I give you joy of your freedom.

& Atia: Oh, my strange, brave, pompous little boy, we’re going north...
    Octavian: I’m head of the family. Strictly speaking, it is for me to say where we go.

& Octavian: Antony, listen. Brutus is in a legal bind. I think we can force him into making a deal with us.
    Mark Antony: Go on.
    Octavian: Brutus must declare Caesar a tyrant, else the act of killing Caesar is murder. But all the acts of a tyrant are unlawful. Including those appointing Brutus as Praetor, Cassius as Proconsul, and so forth.
    Mark Antony: And then so?
    Octavian: If Brutus honors the law, he loses all rank and position.
    Mark Antony: It’s lawyers’ prattle.
    Octavian: I don’t think so. If you offer them amnesty in return...
    Mark Antony: Amnesty?! I’m gonna eat their livers! Amnesty...
    Octavian: You’re not following me.
    Atia: Enough! You think you know better than Antony?
    Octavian: But you don’t understand.
    Atia: Juno’s cunt, must I slap you?
    Octavian: If the will stands, and it might, you are mother to the richest man in Rome. If the will is broken, Servilia has that honor.

---

& Eirene: No, thank you, master.
    Pullo: You’ve got to stop calling me that.
    Eirene: What shall I call you, then?
    Pullo: Anything you want. Husband? Honey?

& Cicero: Immortals! Immortals, I say. You noblemen have carved your names deep in the eternal stone. That is very high praise indeed. I would embrace you all but I’m desolated that you did not enlist me in your cohort of heroes. To wield the liberators’ knife... what joy you have denied me.
    Cassius: Forgive us. But we rather thought you’d prefer not to know.
    Cicero: It is done. I cannot share in your glory. I can only applaud. Now tell me, is the city secure?

& Cassius: Caesar’s people have fled. The city is ours.
    Cicero: Excellent, and Mark Antony? The dog is dead I hope?
    Brutus: He is not.
    Cicero: Mark Antony is alive?! An error! I think, a deep error.
    Brutus: We are senators, not hired thugs.
    Cassius: Kill him yourself if you want it so.
    Cicero: Well, well, you know best what is the right thing to do. I must go. I’m away to the country. Another tedious lawsuit... I just wanted to salute you before I left. Immortal liberators.
    Mark Antony: Friend Cicero...

& Servilia: Tell us, Antony... to what do we owe this unexpected pleasure?
    Mark Antony: Listen. ... Why so quiet?.. A tyrant is dead. Surely the people should be happy... Where is the cheering throng at your door? Where are the joyous cries of liberty?

& Servilia: Why would you do that?
    Mark Antony: Neither of us can win outright. Not without much blood spilled to prove the issue. I want no more blood. I want peace and stability.
    Brutus: How?
    Mark Antony: First, a general amnesty. ... Caesar is not declared tyrant, nor you declared killers. All Caesar’s acts, and his will, shall stand. We shall all keep our posts. It will be as if he were struck by lightning. A natural death.
    Brutus: Go on.

& Brutus: And if we do not wish to be reconciled with you?
    Mark Antony: Well, if we cannot be friends, then we shall be enemies. And I will do my very best to annihilate you.

& Brutus: We have no right to take his life.
    Cassius: Damn the law! He’s too dangerous to live.
    Brutus: You exaggerate him. He is a vulgar beast. Without Caesar he will destroy himself soon enough.
    Cassius: He is...
    Brutus: He is a guest in my house.
    Servilia: He is not in the house. He is on the street.
    Brutus: You too, Mother?

& Brutus: Consul Antony... we shall be friends.
    Mark Antony: Friends, eh?

& Pullo: Sorry about your uncle.
    Octavian: I am made his son by will.
    Pullo: ... Congratulations?

& Pullo: You’ll be wanting vengeance, then?
    Octavian: At some point.

& Atia: Have you forgotten what day it is?
    Mark Antony: What day is it?
    Atia: Don’t play with me! I’m not up for it today.
    Mark Antony: Relax. It’s gonna be my day. I can feel it. I don’t think I’ve ever fucked a woman in a funeral dress before.

& Mark Antony: Please, speak sense to your son. Him and his friends must leave the city. I cannot answer for their safety.
    Servilia: Do not look so pleased with yourself. You’re a liar and a breaker of oaths, and you’ve roused your rabble, nothing more. A pantomime actor might have done what you did today.
    Mark Antony: Lucky then it was me that did it, eh? Else you would now be on your knees sucking pantomime’s cock... I have no wish to abuse or humiliate you. I only wish you gone.
    Servilia: We’re going nowhere.
    Mark Antony: No, not you, at least. The men shall leave. You will stay here in the city with me as my guest.
    Servilia: Hostage, you mean.
    Mark Antony: As you like.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

Two and a Half Men 1x24

Can You Feel My Finger

& Charlie: Boy, don’t you just hate when that happens...
    Alan: Wait, so this is a common occurrence?! Don’t you take precautions?
    Charlie: Of course. But, come on, you’ve never found yourself in a slow elevator without a condom?.. Look who I’m asking.

& Alan: Okay, so we need soap, razor blades, cotton balls...
    Charlie: Cotton balls, that reminds me.
    Alan: Reminds you of what?
    Charlie: Ribbed, for her pleasure... Ultra thin, for mine... Fiesta colors for, I suppose... fiestas. And extra-strength, double latex, for coyote Tuesdays. Boy, if women knew the trouble we go to.

& Dr. Sperlock: ...you’ll be able to perform exactly as you did before.
    Charlie: Great. But what about like creativity? See, I write music for a living. Will I still be able to do that?
    Dr. Sperlock: Do you write with your testicles?
    Charlie: No.
    Dr. Sperlock: Then it shouldn’t be a problem.

& Jake: Can I go play in my room?
    Alan: Jake, Grandma came all the way over here to spend some time with you.
    Evelyn: Alan, don’t use guilt as a control mechanism. He should only spend time with me if he wants to.
    Jake: So I can go, right?
    Alan: Run!

---

& Evelyn: So, Charles, back to your pee-pee.
    Alan: I’m done. Can I go play in my room?
    Charlie: There’s nothing wrong with it. I’m just getting a vasectomy.
    Evelyn: You must really hate me.
    Charlie: Are we changing the subject?
    Evelyn: How can you have a vasectomy without consulting me? You’re selfishly robbing me of grandchildren.
    Alan: You’ve got grandchildren.
    Evelyn: Oh, big whoop, one.

& Jake: Are you sick?
    Charlie: No. I’m perfectly healthy. It’s a procedure so that I don’t have babies by accident.
    Jake: Yeah, like we had to do with Scout.
    Charlie: Scout?
    Jake: The dog we had. Couldn’t keep it in his fur.
    Alan: Keep going, you’re doing great.
    Charlie: Jake, it’s not exactly the same with people as with dogs.
    Jake: I know. Why don’t you just use a condom?

& Dr. Sperlock: Okay, let’s see what we’re up against here... Woof. That’s quite a haircut. Looks like my grandma in a bathing cap.

& Alan: Unbelievable!
    Charlie: Let it go, Alan.
    Alan: Who goes in for a vasectomy and comes out with a date?
    Charlie: What? I’m a man, she’s a woman.
    Alan: A woman who two minutes after you met her was shaving your scrotum.
    Charlie: So we skipped ahead a little.

& Jake: You feeling any calmer, Uncle Charlie?
    Charlie: What do you mean?
    Jake: When Scout had his operation, he got real calm. Then he got fat and only wanted to sleep behind the dryer.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

And this was

The End of Season One

Two and a Half Men 1x23

Just Like Buffalo

& Alan: Jake, time to go! Get your stuff together!
    Charlie: After you drop him off at his mom’s, you want to see a movie?
    Alan: Sure, that sounds good.
    Charlie: Cool. Enjoy.

& Alan: You got everything?
    Jake: Yep.
    Alan: What about your schoolbooks?
    Jake: Oh, right.

& Alan: So, what time are you expecting Little Red Riding Hood?
    Charlie: And I’m the big, bad wolf! Very clever. And not a bad game to play later... A little huffing and puffing and blowing.
    Alan: That’s The Three Little Pigs.
    Charlie: Same wolf though, right?

& Jake: Okay, I got my schoolbooks.
    Alan: And your homework?

& Alan: Are you saying you never want to settle down?
    Charlie: You mean get married? Let me tell you something, bunky. If you’ve got someone to clean your house and do your shopping and you’re getting action on a regular basis, the only reason you need a wife is if you have some sick compulsion to give away half your stuff.
    Alan: What about kids?
    Charlie: I already got one! And the best part is he leaves before we get sick of each other. Right, dude?
    Jake: Right, dude.

& Alan: Okay, let’s go.
    Jake: Bye, Uncle Charlie.
    Charlie: See you next week.
    Alan: Where are your shoes?
    Jake: Oh, right!

& Kathleen: You are so cute!
    Jake: I know.
    Linda: You have a girlfriend yet?
    Jake: No, I’m a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
    Linda: So, you’re never going to get married?
    Jake: As long as I got someone to clean my house and action on a regular basis, I don’t need a wife.
    Judith: Excuse me?!
    Jake: I don’t want to give anybody half my stuff.

---

& Charlie: Where are the pancakes?
    Alan: What pancakes?
    Charlie: You always make pancakes on Saturday morning.
    Alan: I make them for Jake. Jake’s not here.
    Charlie: Kind of weird without him, huh?
    Alan: Yes.
    Charlie: Would it lift your spirits if you made pancakes for me?

& Charlie: Your big mistake was dealing with them as a group. The trick with women is to split them off from the herd, one by one. Otherwise, they spook* and you risk a stampede*. Kind of like buffalo.

& Berta: What, no pancakes?
    Charlie: Jake’s not here this weekend.
    Berta: Why not?
    Charlie: Apparently Jake took something I said out of context and repeated it in front of his mother and she overreacted, as is her nature.
    Berta: What did you say, numbnuts*?
    Charlie: All I said was if your domestic chores are taken care of by one woman and you have an active sexual life with other women, you don’t necessarily need yet another woman with whom to tie the matrimonial knot.
    Berta: And which category do I come in under?
    Charlie: I got to say it’s the sweet loving, Berta, because this place is a mess.

& Jake: You got a normal-sized head.
    Charlie: Thanks. I am pretty happy with it.
    Jake: I don’t get it.
    Alan: What don’t you get?
    Jake: I heard Mom say the reason Uncle Charlie gets into so much trouble is because he thinks with his little head. It’s not that little.
    Charlie: Okay, you tell your mother...
    Alan: Charlie!
    Charlie: ...that women are to be honored and respected.
    Alan: See, Jake? That’s the big head talking.
    Jake: But he only has one head.
    Charlie: You want to tell him or should we let him spin for a while?
    Alan: I’d rather he spin.
    Jake: Come on, at least give me a clue.
    Charlie: All right. What do men have that women don’t?..
    Jake: Beards.
    Charlie: Lower...
    Jake: Beards.
    Charlie: You’re right, let him spin.

--
spook — привидение
stampede — паническое бегство
numbnuts = The stupidest of the stupid. A complete dumbass, one whose intelligence quotient does not surpass that of the average rock.

+ quotes on the Imdb.

Hot Rod

& Rod: Kevin, did we reinforce the take-off ramp?Rico: Nah, we didn’t have time.

& Cathy: Why’d you call yourself Voltron?
    Dave: I don’t know. Maybe ’cause it’s super badass.
    Cathy: You’re weird.
    Dave: Hells, yeah, I am.

& Rod: Please, God, don’t let me embarrass myself in front of Denise.

& Frank: Sorry, boy. My time’s up.
    Rod: But I still need to kick your ass. How can I do that if you’re dead?
    Frank: Well, then, I guess I’ll die still champion.

& Rod: I thought it’d be fun if we all went around and said our name and a little something about ourselves. I’ll start. My name is Rod, and I like to party. All right, Dave. You’re up.
    Dave: Hi. My name is Dave, and I like to party.
    Rod: No, Dave. I just said that I party, so maybe do something different from me.
    Dave: My name is Dave, and I am the stunt man.
    Rod: You know what? Let’s move on. Rico, you’re up.
    Rico: Hello. I’m Rico, and I like to party.
    Rod: Yeah. Rico? What did I just say to Dave?
    Rico: Who?
    Rod: Dave.
    Kevin: I like to party. I’m Rod.
    Dave: No. You’re Kevin.
    Rod: Right. Kevin.
    Kevin: I party.
    Rod: No. No, you don’t. Okay, nobody parties but me.
    Kevin: Yes. And we party.
    Rod: No.
    Dave: Yeah, just Rod.
    Rod: Yes.
    Dave: And me.
    Rod: No! I’m the only one who parties.
    Kevin: I’m pretty sure I’ve partied before.
    Rod: No, Kevin, I know for a fact you don’t party, okay? You do not party.
    Kevin: You’re right. Dave’s the party guy.
    Denise: Sweet.
    Rod: Oh, my God. Shut up, okay? I’m just gonna do it for you. Denise. This is the crew. Dave’s the mechanic. Rico makes the ramps. And Kevin is team manager / videographer. None of them party. Right? Got it?
    Dave: Okay.
    Rod: Let’s party.

---

& Rod: What happened?
    Kevin: You almost drowned. Denise just gave you mouth-to-mouth and saved you.
    Rod: Did it look like we were making out?
    Kevin: A little bit.
    Rod: Awesome.
    Denise: Are you okay?
    Rod: Oh. Hey, Denise. What’s up?
    Denise: Great. I’m just gonna go wash off this puke from my face.
    Rod: Cool.

& Rod: Speed management. G force. Let’s run it.

& Rod: My safe word will be whiskey.
    Kevin: Sorry, Rod. What was that?
    Rod: Whiskey.
    Kevin: Don’t you mean whiskey?
    Rod: What?
    Kevin: You’re saying it weird.
    Rod: Saying what weird?
    Kevin: All of it.
    Rod: Where do you get off?
    Kevin: I just don’t get why you’re saying it that way.
    Rod: Why I’m saying what what way?
    Kevin: Forget it.
    Rod: I will. I will forget it.

& Rod: Okay, here we go. On three. One, two... Whoa, whiskey! Whiskey! Whiskey! Whiskey! Whiskey!Rico: Oh, shit!

& Trailer owner: My trailer! What the hell? One of you is getting your dick-hole smashed!
    Rico: I’m freaking pumped! I’ve been drinking green tea all goddamn day!
    Trailer owner: Oh!
    Rico: God, I go to church every goddamn Sunday! You gonna bring the demons out of me!

& Denise: Jonathan, Rod’s doing the jump.
    Jonathan: Oh, my God, who cares? Babe, why do you hang with those nerds?
    Denise: I like those nerds.
    Jonathan: Well, guess what? You’re embarrassing yourself.

& Rod: Ladies and gentlemen. What is destiny? What is fate?
        I dedicate this jump to fathers and father figures everywhere. I hope that in some small way all of their sons manage to jump them.
        Frank, I’m gonna get you better, you old sack of shit. And then I am gonna uncork the ass-beating of a lifetime on you! And you will respect me!
        Peace!

& Rod: Okay. Let’s jump this jump.

& Kevin: You’re probably hurt pretty bad.
    Rod: I’d say definitely, Kevin. I’d wager 10 to 20 broken bones, minimum. But life is pain and we’ve got to scrape the joy out of it every chance we get.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

__ Кто помнит, как мы в этом оказались?.. А! По наводке anashulick.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

Part 1

& Harry: How are you?
    Griphook: Alive.

& Griphook: Even amongst goblins, you are famous Harry Potter. You buried the elf?
    Harry: Yes.
    Griphook: And brought me here. You are... pretty unusal, is it?

& Ron: Bloody hell! That’s a Ukrainian Ironbelly.

& Harry: We have to go there, now!
    Hermione: Well, we can’t do that! We’ve got to plan, we’ve got to figure it out!
    Harry: Hermione, when have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.

& Neville: Let me get this straight, Professor... You’re actually giving us permission to do this?
    Professor McGonagall: That is correct, Longbottom.
    Neville: To blow it up? Boom?
    Professor McGonagall: Boom!
    Neville: Wicked!

& Filius: You do realize, of course, we can’t keep out You-Know-Who’ indefinitely.
    Professor McGonagall: That doesn’t mean we can’t delay him. And his name is Voldemort. Filius, you might as well use it. He’s come to try to kill you, either way!

& Voldemort: They never learn. Such a pity.

& Kingsley: Hey Dean, on second thoughts, tell Professor McGonagall we might need one or two more wands this side.
    Lupin: It is the quality of one’s convictions that determines his success... not the number of followers.
    Kingsley: Who said that?
    Lupin: Me.

---

& Harry: You alright?
    Neville: Never better! I feel like I can spit fire! Have you seen Luna up here?
    Harry: Luna?
    Neville: I’m mad for her. I think it’s about time I told her since we’ll probably both be dead by dawn.

& Draco: Avada Kedavra!
    Ron: This is my girlfriend, you bloody gits!

& Harry: We can’t leave them!
    Ron: He’s joking, right? If we die for them, Harry, I’m gonna kill you!

& Voldemort: You’ve been a good and faithful servant, Severus. But only I can live forever.

& Snape: So, when the time comes... the boy must die?
    Dumbledore: Yes... yes. He must die.
    Snape: You’ve kept him alive, so he can die at the proper moment? You’ve been raising him like a pig for slaughter.

& Harry: Why you’re here? All of you?
    Lily Potter: We never left.
    Harry: Does... Does it hurt?.. Dying?
    Sirius: Quicker than falling asleep.

& Harry: And exactly where are we?
    Dumbledore: I was gonna ask you that. Where would you say that we are?
    Harry: Well, it looks like King’s Cross station. Only cleaner... and without all the trains.
    Dumbledore: King’s Cross, is that right? This is as they say, ’Your Party’.

& Harry: I have to go back, haven’t I?
    Dumbledore: Oh, that’s up to you.
    Harry: I’ve a choice?
    Dumbledore: Oh, yes! We’re in King’s Cross, you say. I think if you so decide, you’ll be able to board a train.
    Harry: And where would it take me?
    Dumbledore: On.

& Dumbledore: Help will always will be given at Hogwarts, Harry... to those who ask for it. I’ve always surprised myself on my ability to turn a phrase. Words are in my not so humble opinion... the most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of inflicting injury and remedies.

& Dumbledore: Do not pity the dead, Harry... Pity the living. And above all... all those who live without love.

& Harry: Is this all real? Or is it just happening inside my head?
    Dumbledore: Of course it’s happening inside your head, Harry. Why should that mean that it’s not real?

& ASP: What if I am put in Slytherin?
    Harry: Albus Severus Potter. You were named after two Headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin. And he was the bravest man I’ve ever known.

--
++ quotes on the Imdb.

__ Pretty good movie. & gr8 book.

Two and a Half Men 1x22

My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

& Charlie: Alan?! Alan, what are you doing?
    Alan: There are dust bunnies everywhere!
    Charlie: ... So you’re vacuuming dust bunnies?
    Alan: No. Their poop. It’s all over the place.

& Rose: So, what’s going on?
    Charlie: Nothing. Alan was sleepwalking. At least, I hope that was sleepwalking.
    Rose: Sure. My parents used to put a football helmet on me and strap me in bed.
    Charlie: You were a sleepwalker?
    Rose: No.

& Charlie: If crazy ever becomes an Olympic event, I get the first two legs of the relay.

---

& Charlie: Man! I thought you didn’t want him to go back to that quack*.
    Alan: I didn’t, but Judith and I talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.

& Charlie: Okay, look, nobody likes divorce, but there are certain advantages. One of the more popular ones is you get to tell your ex-wife to bite the big one! Or whatever you got left.

& Alan: Jake, your grandmother’s here.
    Jake: Oh, man!
    Alan: I mean, right here in the room.
    Jake: Oh, man, Grandma’s here!

& Evelyn: What is it, Charlie?
    Charlie: I need to talk to you about Alan. He’s been acting really strange lately.
    Evelyn: And I suppose it’s my fault?
    Charlie: No... Well, maybe.

--
quack — шарлатан; знахарь

+ quotes on the Imdb.

Hung 1x1

Pilot

& Drecker: Everything’s falling apart.

& Drecker: What happened to my life? I used to be a big deal. I used to be going somewhere. Now all I ever seem to do is try not to drown. When did life become something you buy?..

& Jess: What are you doing here?
    Drecker: Just being social. You always say, “Stop by, say hi.” So here I am, I’m stopping by.

& Jess: You think I’m that shallow?.. Do you really think I’m that shallow?.. All right, yes, I am a little shallow. But I am deep enough to admit it. I’m much deeper than people think. And I’m only shallow because I choose to be. I am a beauty queen, Ray. A homecoming, cheerleading, stupid ass beauty queen.

& Jess: God, you were magical. In high school, you were a king. You were beautiful and athletic... and talented and smart and popular. And... hung*.
    Drecker: What am I now, Jessica? What am I now?!
    Jess: Now you’re just hung.

& Floyd: I’m going to tell you a secret right now. It’s you. The secret is in you. Each one of you has already proven that fact just by coming here tonight and you are about to become a millionaire. Repeat after me... I’m going to be a millionaire.

---

& Floyd: It could be a talent or a gift or an idea for a product. But the word I like to use is tool. Something that helps you get that very special job done. So for next week, your first task is to identify your own tool. Then the following week we will begin to discuss how to market it. Everybody has at least one, so no excuses.

& Tanya Skagle: Here’s an idea. You want to be a millionaire?.. Why don’t you go market your dick?

& Drecker: What is Godhead anyway? Is it one of your gothic overlords or something?
    Damon: It’s goth, Dad. Gothic is from the middle ages. This is goth.

& Floyd: What about you, Ray? Have you considered your winning tool?
    Drecker: Yeah, I’ve considered it. I think I know what it is. What I’m trying to figure out is how to market it because what I’m discovering is...

& Floyd: Before we can help you with your dream, we have to know what it is. You have to pitch it to us.
    Drecker: I’m not in the mood to pitch tonight, Floyd. And I really don’t think it’s something for the group.
    Floyd: Now what Ray is going through is very normal. Fear. It’s a common stumbling block. But the way to overcome it is to acknowledge it, validate it, and keep on going. Damn the torpedoes. Now without thinking about it, tell me, Ray. Say it. What is your winning tool?.. No, without thinking about it, say it.
    Drecker: My name is Ray and I... I’ve got a big dick, Floyd.

& Drecker: My big dick is all I’ve got. Got any advice for me?

& Tanya: To be a man-whore?.. Ray, that’s disgusting. That’s pathetic.
    Drecker: Well, I’m a pathetic kind of guy. Look, Tanya, what are you, like 40?
    Tanya: I’m 38!

& Tanya: You need to sell yourself better. {...} There are so many different ways you can sell yourself. Look, if you want I can help... When I’m not working on lyric bread.
    Drecker: You want to help me sell myself?
    Tanya: I mean, not for free. Maybe for like a percentage of some kind.
    Drecker: You want to be my pimp.

--
hung = to have a big dick

On Imdb.

__ Thomas Jane (aka Ray Drecker) is the spitting image of Mark Valley aka Christopher Chance

Misfits 3x4

Episode #3.4

& Friedrich Hirsch: I am going to travel through time and kill Adolf Hitler.

& Kelly: Fuckin’ Nazis!

& Curtis: It’s not personal.
    Kelly: Killing someone?! To me, that’s fuckin’ personal!

& Simon: You don’t smoke, do you?
    Alisha: What gave it away?
    Simon: I don’t smoke either. Why should the smokers get all the breaks?

& Alisha: You probably think I’m a total slut.
    Simon: We’re all doing what we need to do to survive.

---

& Captain Smith: We need to make him see the benefits of working for us. Perhaps he won’t be so hostile once he’s sampled all the privileges we can give him.
    Shaun: I could get him a prostitute?
    Captain Smith: I think it might take a little bit more than that...
    Shaun: Two prostitutes?

& Shaun: Who are you?
    Curtis: I work here.
    Shaun: And you?
    Ruby: Er, I am his... gay lover. I’m the giver, he’s the taker. I’m the butch*, he’s the bitch. I’m the sausage, he’s the muffin!
    Shaun: You’re aware that homosexuality is illegal?
    Ruby: Oh, I were joking. Cos er... he’s me cousin, from me...
    Shaun: Shut the fuck up.

& Kelly: Oi, Hitler.
    Hitler: Fraulein?
    Kelly: Why have you got to be such a dick?

& Seth: So what d’you want instead?
    Kelly: I kind of liked being a fuckin’ rocket scientist.

& Alisha: Where have you been?
    Kelly: Just been fighting the fuckin’ Nazis and kicking the shit out of Hitler.

--
butch — мужеподобная

On Imdb.

__ Nice idea. Boring episode.

Stake Land

& Martin: I was like any other kid, I had a family. I went to school, I didn’t believe in the boogeyman. But then the world woke up to a nightmare.

& Mister: Welcome to Stake Land, kid.

& Martin: Like Mister says. ’Live free or die tryin’.

---

& Sister: How many of those things have you killed?
    Mister: Not enough.
    Sister: And people? Those two men?
    Mister: In my Book, rapists got no place to live.
    Sister: It’s not ours to judge.
    Mister: Then don’t.

& Belle: You boys look like hell.
    Mister: Shit happens.
    Belle: Yeah, sure does. But like my mom used to say, “Things are what they are. Get used to ’em.”
    Mister: Smart woman.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

__ 1.5 hours to the dogs. Why we need Stake Land if we've The Walking Dead?..

Terra Nova 1x8

Vs.

& Malcolm: Oh, my God, Jim, what’s that in your eye?!
    Jim: What?
    Malcolm: It’s a flicker of intelligence. Who knew?

& Jim: Taylor lived in a tree?
    Malcolm: Uh-huh. It kept him safe. Of course, that’s the lore*. Sometimes the story’s more important than the truth, isn’t it? Plus a heroic tale’s good for morale. Sows little seeds...

---

& Jim: What do you think went down that night?
    Taylor: You’re the bloody cop; I’m just a bartender. I mean, how would I know?

& Jim: I would fight. I will fight.

& Taylor: My apologies for the misunderstanding. Even here in paradise, we’re victimized by technology.

--
lore — знания

On Imdb.

Олег Дивов — Черные тени Страны Советов

Новые мифы мегаполиса — 18

  “Подобно Черному Альпинисту или Белому Спелеологу, городские привидения тоже предвестники беды. ...

&  На то и университет, чтобы там убили много разных студентов.

&  Он мог очень многое в этой стране, однако у него тоже были свои пределы дозволенного, как у любого тут, будь ты хоть премьер-президент.

&  — Впаривать бабушкам пылесосы по сто тыщ рублей — за это морду надо бить! Я вообще не терплю в делах никакого обмана. Поэтому работаю с нефтью. Чистый бизнес: кроме документов — ничего. Ни у меня, ни у кого. Никто этой нефти в глаза не видывал. Только бумажки. Такая ролевая игра.

&  — Одинаковые. Пусть не внешне, но внутренне — как шнурки. Все одинаковые. И я одинаковый. Почему и склоки постоянно. Глядишь в человека, как в зеркало, — сразу плюнуть хочется в эту мерзкую рожу.

---

&  Я давно заметил, кого ни возьми — пыжатся все, пыжатся... Бесплодные попытки возгонки нарратива до состояния дискурса.

&  — Когда эти негодяи развалили Советский Союз, — начала Анечка, — это был такой ужас...
    Друзья скривились... Они все родились во второй половине шестидесятых и застали СССР в таком непотребном состоянии, что сами бы его развалили, только он и без их помощи рухнул...

&  — Мне один раз предложили Родину продать. Я думал, они с ума сошли, а это оказалась лабораторная работа школы внешней разведки...

&  — У людей бывают разные отмазки, чтобы уставиться стеклянными глазами в одну точку.

&  Камень на камень,
    Кирпич на кирпич,
    Умер наш Ленин
    Владимир Ильич.
    Жалко рабочему,
    Жалко и мне...
    Доброе сердце
    Зарыто в земле.
    Дедушка умер,
    А дело живет.
    Лучше бы было
    Наоборот!

  ... Наверное, чтобы не забывали, в какой непростой стране живут.”

House M.D. 8x7

Dead & Buried

& Foreman: 14-year-old girl, intermittent attacks.
    House: Four-year-old boy, consistently at death’s door.
    Adams: ... This patient died five years ago.
    House: I didn’t say which side of the door he was on. The fact that he’s dead makes it more interesting.

& Taub: Shouldn’t we be trying to maximize what we can save here? 14-year-old, your freedom, our asses?
    House: Right... Save your asses.

& House: You’re angry because your kid died. More than that, because you don’t have an answer. People need answers.

& Cemetery caretaker: I’d like inquire as to exactly what procedure you intend to perform on the remains.
    House: Have you ever heard of the north American man/dead boy love association?
    Cemetery caretaker: I consider these grounds to be a holy place, and I would ask you to observe them with due decorum.
    House: So you’re taking bribes to plunder graves, and I need to show respect?

---

& House: You owe me a new pair of pants.

& Wilson: You’re an addict. And I’m an idiot for thinking that your addictions were limited to pills, anti-social behavior, and sarcasm.

& Taub: The brazilian... You said it hurt “a bit.”
    Chase: You’ve had one?
    Taub: More than one, and you haven’t. They hurt all your bits. That’s my dark secret. What’s yours?

& Chase: She does have a boyfriend. Love letters... Porn. The nasty kind. Torture, rape... Animals.
    Taub: Sweet kid.

& Wilson: ... And you know why? Because I’m just as bad as you. I knew this would fall on deaf ears, but I just kept talking and talking.
    House: You’re right.
    Wilson: You don’t even know what I just said!
    House: That is ridiculous. You said, “blah blah blah blah blah, deaf ears, blah blah blah blah blah.” Absolutely essential information.

& Foreman: I have to send him to prison.
    Wilson: Your job is to keep this machine running. It’s your choice to make House a useful tool or a monkey wrench. Cuddy’s way didn’t fail because she didn’t try to control House. She managed him. She knew better than anybody what a tool he could be.

& Foreman: What would Cuddy have done?
    House: ... Ten clinic hours.
    Foreman: Cuddy’s not here anymore. You got 30.

--
On Imdb.

The Walking Dead 2x6

Secrets

& Carl: They don’t have a mother.
    Lori:She might be somewhere else.
    Carl: Maybe she got eaten. ... Everything is food for something else.

& Andrea: Hey. This is not that great, but...
    Daryl: What, no pictures?

& Andrea: I don’t expect you to forgive me, but if there’s anything I can do...
    Daryl: You were trying to protect the group. We’re good. But... hey, shoot me again, and you’d best pray I’m dead.

& Glenn: You’re pregnant. You need vitamins, medicine, a nice pillow...

& Dale: Glenn, stop being dramatic. Spit it out.
    Glenn: There’s... there’s walkers in the barn and Lori’s pregnant.

---

& Hershel: I saw the broadcasts before they stopped, saw the irrational fear, the atrocities, like the incident at my well.
    Dale: We put down a walker.
    Hershel: You killed a person.

& Dale: If you watched the same broadcasts I did, you saw walkers attack, kill. They’re dangerous.
    Hershel: A paranoid schizophrenic is dangerous too.

& Glenn: So your dad thinks they’re sick? You agree with that, even after what you saw at the well?
    Maggie: I’m not sure what I saw at the well.
    Glenn: Yes, you are.

& Dale: I know what kind of man you are.
    Shane: You think I’d shoot Rick? That is my best friend. That’s the man that I love. I love him like he’s my a brother. You think that’s the kind of man I am?
    Dale: That’s right.

& Rick: Is there anything else I should know about?

--
On the Imdb.

The Big Bang Theory 5x10

The Flaming Spittoon* Acquisition

& Howard: It’s amazing people keep coming visit to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally.
    Leonard: It’s probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
    Howard: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight! ... Yay.

& Sheldon: Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?
    Amy: Sheldon, I’m disappointed. As a brilliant man, you’re entitled to a vice*. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But this?.. Lame-o.

& Stuart: Can I help you find anything?
    Amy: A comic that depicts a woman whose bosom can’t be used as a flotation device.
    Stuart: Sorry. Most of the guys who come in here like big boobs. Couple of them have big boobs.

& Howard: You interested in Amy?
    Stuart: Well, I mean, she didn’t look through me with soul-sucking, ball-shriveling hatred and contempt*. I like that in a woman.

& Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something?.. It’s a little awkward.
    Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching... Yes! And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities... perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things. You know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot* it back.

& Leonard: You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out.
    Sheldon: The question is moot*. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.

& Leonard: All right, but for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it.
    Sheldon: Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up* experimental physicist...
    Leonard: I am not washed-up.
    Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. Lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can’t until you admit the problem.

& Penny: Well, ladies, we killed the bottle.
    Amy: I had half a glass.
    Bernadette: I didn’t have any.
    Penny: Okay, don’t judge me.

& Bernadette: I’m too small for Twister. And roller coasters. And sitting with my feet on the floor. Hope you enjoyed the prenatal cigarettes, Mom.

---

& Penny: Amy, little vixen*. Just working it under all those layers of wool and polyester.

& Penny: So do you like Stuart?
    Amy: I don’t know. He’s nice. He’s funny. He has the sallow, drawn countenance associated with an overactive thyroid gland. That’s kind of hot.

& Leonard: You okay?
    Sheldon: Am I okay? Leonard, I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay?

& Leonard: We should go easy on him. Amy’s out with Stuart tonight.
    Howard: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon’s patented blend of condescension* and no sex isn’t enough to hold on to a woman?

& Leonard: Hey, do you see this?
    Sheldon: I’m in the matrix, Leonard; I see everything.
    Leonard: You got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook? I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore.
    Sheldon: Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.

& Penny: Who do we love?
    Sheldon: Penny.
    Penny: Who do we love?
    Sheldon: Penny.
    Penny: Who do we love?
    Sheldon: Penny.

& Penny: Hello, Sheldon. Come on in. What’s up?
    Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.
    Penny: I’m sorry, what?
    Sheldon: A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.

& Penny: Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
    Sheldon: I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?

& Penny: All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this?
    Sheldon: I believe I do.
    Penny: Mm.
    Sheldon: I’m the guy.

& Penny: You’re not the guy.
    Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance* with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me “sweetie” all the time.
    Penny: I call everyone “sweetie.”
    Sheldon: You're a tramp*.

& Penny: Look, Sheldon, all I’m saying is strap* on a pair and go talk to Amy.
    Sheldon: “Strap on a pair”? Of what, skates?
    Penny: Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.

& Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
    Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent*. No offense, Stuart.
    Stuart: None taken. Although “repellent” is kind of a... kind of a strong word.

& Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
    Amy: I’m listening.
    Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as “not my girlfriend.”
    Amy: Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative.
    Sheldon: You’re being impossible.
    Amy: ... Hi, Stuart.
    Sheldon: Fine. Amy... will you be my girlfriend?
    Amy: ... Yes.
    Sheldon: Well, that’s enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here’s a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.

& Amy: How did you get into my apartment?
    Sheldon: Wow. Is that the kind of nagging* I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend?

& Amy: What’s that?
    Sheldon: I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as “the boyfriend,” and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as “the girlfriend”.
    Amy: ... It’s so romantic.
    Sheldon: Mutual indemnification* always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.

& Amy: “Section 5: Hand-holding.
        Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances:
        A: Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge;
        B: Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize;
        C: Moral support during flu shots”"
    Seems a bit restrictive.
    Sheldon: Feel free to retain a lawyer.

& Sheldon: Penny. Amy. Bernadette.
    Amy: That’s my boyfriend. It’s open!
    Sheldon: I got a splinter.
    Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
    Sheldon: Relationship agreement Section 4: Boo-boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.
    Amy: I should’ve gotten a lawyer.

--
Spittoon — плевательница
vice — заместитель; порок; недостаток
contempt — презрение
parrot — повторять как попугай
moot — спорный
washed-up — выдохшийся; конченый; отвергнутый; ненужный
vixen — мегера; самка лисицы; сварливая женщина
condescension — снисхождение
dalliance — флирт
tramp — шлюха; распутница
strap — стягивать
repellent — отталкивающий; вызывающий отвращение; неприятный
nagging — нытье; ворчание; попреки
indemnification — компенсация; возмещение

On Imdb.