Doink

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 1×5

Abe: You got a job?
Midge: Yes.
Abe: You have no résumé.
Midge: They hired me anyway.
Abe: Do you know how to type?
Midge: I don't need to.
Abe: Okay.

Abe: I told you to study something practical in college.
Midge: I remember that.
Abe: Russian literature was not that thing.
Midge: I know.
Abe: Okay.

Abe: And it's five days a week?
Midge: Yes.
Abe: If it rains, you still have to go in.
Midge: I figured.
Abe: And you know how to get there?
Midge: By multiple routes.
Abe: Okay.

Abe: And they're paying you?
Midge: Yes.
Abe: In money?
Midge: Yes.
Abe: By check?
Midge: Every two weeks.
Abe: You'll need a bank account.
Midge: I have a bank account.
Abe: Checking and savings?
Midge: Yep.
Abe: Okay.

Abe: Your mother can't watch the kids every day.
Midge: Mrs. Fulber will watch them when she can't.
Abe: Okay.

Abe: Mrs. Fulber?
Midge: Yep.
Abe: The one that used to babysit you?
Midge: The one and the same.
Abe: She's still alive?
Midge: I think so.
Abe: I'll be damned... Okay.

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Mary: Remember, Midge: always be on time... always be polite... always be pretty... and... don't forget to punch.

Jackie: So, "Miriam," right?
Midge: Yes, but I'll be using a nom de plume.
Jackie: A nom de what?
Midge: Nom de plume.
Susie: Sounds like a sex toy.
Jackie: Yeah, like it goes up your ass or something.

Jackie: All right, give it up for a very funny lady, whose name you're gonna want to remember... Fanny Midge.

Susie: You bombed.
Midge: But I'm funny.
Susie: Everybody bombs.
Midge: But I've seen Rickles five times. He's never bombed. The guys go on Jack Paar, they never bomb.
Susie: Yeah, that's 'cause they've spent years bombing and honing their act so you don't have to see them bomb. They've bombed, believe me.
Midge: Well, I'm not gonna bomb again.
Susie: No, you're gonna bomb again and again and again and again.
Midge: Why would anyone do this if they're just gonna bomb again and again and again?
Susie: Because it's part of the process.

Susie: Next time, prepare a little. Spontaneity works until it doesn't work. Then you're stuck.

Midge: Excuse me. Herb Smith?
Herb Smith: That depends. Are you with the government?

Herb: Verla, how much do you love your Herb?
Verla: With every bone in my body.
Herb: Bring us, uh, a half pastrami on rye and a half chopped liver on challah, a stuffed cabbage, some kasha varnishkes, and a bit of arugula... I know what you're thinking. "He's extremely Jewish."
Midge: And extremely hungry.
Herb: Guilty on all counts.

Herb: It's 15 bucks for the first five minutes of material. Sound good?

Abe: Just had to see it for myself...

Jackie: What stupid fucking name are using this time?
Midge: Sadie Morton.
Jackie: Why not?

Herb: Hey, Midge, one thought?.. The husband joke. When you hit him over the head with the frying pan, it's not "doink." It's... "Doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoink!"

Moishe: No.
Joel: What?
Moishe: Her. No.
Joel: What the hell are you talking about?
Moishe: You know what I'm talking about.
Joel: How would I know what you're talking about?
Moishe: She's young, she's emptyheaded, she doesn't eat. She's a shiksa.
Joel: So?
Moishe: Shiksas are for practice.

Shirley: No.

Midge: I once mixed tequila, absinthe and red wine. Came out pink. I'd never puked my favorite color before.

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