Two and a Half Men 4x7

Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head

& Jake: Hello? Hold on. Are you in for a Suzanne?
    Charlie: Kind of have to be. You didn’t put your hand over the phone.
    Jake: Oh, right. Sorry, he’s not here.

& Alan: Charlie, it’s for you.
    Charlie: Who is it?
    Alan: Karma.
    Charlie: What?
    Alan: Your chickens have come home to roost.
    Charlie: Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking...? Charlie, it’s for you.

& Alan: Berta, aren’t you gonna introduce us?
    Berta: Oh, I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Charlie, Alan, I’d like you to meet my youngest daughter, Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from heaven... and landed on a married mars penis.

& Alan: Should she really be scrubbing toilets in her condition?
    Berta: Hey, when I was pregnant with her I worked right up until my water broke. Then I used the water to mop the floor... I exaggerate for effect.

& Alan: So you know what the baby is?
    Naomi: Well, I’m hoping for human.

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& Berta: I’ll tell you whose fault it is. Ronald Wiedermeier.
    Charlie: Who?
    Berta: The sleaze ball who pollinated my little flower... then disappeared like cupcakes at a pot party.
    Charlie: Damn that Ronald Niedermeier!
    Berta: Wiedermeier.
    Charlie: Him too.
    Berta: I’ll tell you, I’m not gonna let him get away with it.
    Charlie: Good for you. Guys like that need to know that there’s consequences to their actions. They need to learn that women are people with feelings. They’re not just vaginas that talk.
    Berta: Vaginas that talk?
    Charlie: Damn that Ronald Wiedermeier!
    Berta: You may be a pig, but in this case you’re right.
    Charlie: Thank you. What did I say?

& Charlie: Can’t we pull over for a minute?
    Berta: In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you’re partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left, right up here.
    Charlie: That’s not a road.
    Berta: Well, not during rainy season.

& Alan: Hey, buddy. You’re turning into quite the little ninja, aren’t you?
    Jake: There’s just one thing I don’t understand.
    Judith: What’s that, honey?
    Jake: If you have sex with a pregnant lady, wouldn’t she have twins?

& Ronald: You cops?
    Berta: Yeah. I’m Scully, this is Mulder.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.