Two and a Half Men 4x14

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami

& Alan: We’re talking about the dirty movie on your computer!
    Charlie: I’m sorry. I forgot it was on there.
    Alan: You can’t forget when you have a child in the house.
    Jake: I’m not a child.
    Charlie: And I don’t have him.
    Alan: No one’s talking to you, and that’s no excuse.
    Charlie: Look, it’s not hard-core. It’s mostly her and a couple friends having a pajama party.
    Jake: I didn’t see pajamas...
    Alan: Shut up! Go away!

& Berta: She’s beautiful, rich, divorced... and you wanna hand her off to Zippy the Chimp?
    Charlie: Okay. Follow my reasoning here. This is a woman looking to settle down. If I sleep with her, I’m happy for one night. But if I teach my brother to sleep with her... he falls in love, asks her to marry him, moves out... and I’m happy for the rest of my life.

& Berta: Charlie, she is way out of his league.
    Charlie: Pfft. I know that. Everybody’s out of his league. He doesn’t even have a league. He’s just a kid with a bat and a ball and a football helmet.

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& Charlie: There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
    Berta: Hey, I’d do her.

& Alan: She’s incredible.
    Charlie: Incredible, my ass. She’s perfect.

& Charlie: Now, dinner conversation. Don’t talk about your boring job, your petty problems, or your stupid hobbies.
    Alan: What else is there?
    Charlie: Her. Her petty problems, her stupid hobbies. No woman ever came home from a date... complaining that all she did was talk about herself.

& Charlie: Yes, I know she’s hot. But I’m thinking long-term, so shut up.

& Danielle: There is no need to fight over me. Alan, you’re a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you’re a pig. But I find you very attractive. There’s only one reasonable solution. I’ll have to do you both. No crossing swords.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.