Two and a Half Men 4x6

Apologies for the Frivolity

& Jake: Do you like Uncle Charlie’s new girlfriend?
    Alan: Well, I just met her the one time, so... No, not really.
    Jake: You know who she reminds me of?.. The girls at school who think they rule the world because they got their boobs.
    Alan: Well... I hate to tell you, buddy, but they kind of do.
    Jake: I don’t get it. I wouldn’t be mean if I had boobs.

& Charlie: She might be a bit outspoken but I happen to find that very attractive.
    Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.
    Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?!
    Jake: Cinemax.

& Jake: Lydia sells homes on the beyotch.

& Jake: I wasn’t mean before I got my boobs.
    Charlie: Boy, puberty is gonna hit him like a shovel...

& Alan: You’re kidding, right? You don’t see it?
    Charlie: See what?!
    Alan: Lydia and Mom?
    Charlie: What about them?
    Berta: Come on, Charlie. The only difference between those two broads... is you came out of one and...

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& Jake: Why do I have to play with kids I don’t know?
    Charlie: Because Lydia’s bringing them over and I didn’t have time to rent a clown.

& Jake: If they’re boys, just don’t call them little dudes, okay?
    Charlie: Why not?
    Jake: There was this guy Mom used to date. And every time he’d see me, he’d call me “Little Dude. ” He was an idiot.
    Charlie: Okay. Okay, that’s good stuff. What else you got?
    Jake: No lame magic tricks, no head rubbing and please, no high-fives.
    Charlie: Got it.
    Jake: And don’t ask who wants ice cream. Everybody wants ice cream.
    Charlie: I understand.
    Jake: Even lactose-intolerant kids want ice cream.
    Charlie: Makes sense.
    Jake: Whatever you do, don’t try to pretend... you’re not sleeping with their     mom. We’re not stupid.
    Charlie: So if I do this stuff, her kids will like me?
    Jake: No.
    Charlie: Why not?
    Jake: You’re doing their mom.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.