Two and a Half Men 4x10

Kissing Abraham Lincoln

& Lydia: Berta, I’d like some scrambled egg whites, dry wheat toast and Earl Grey tea.
    Berta: Oh, yeah? Well, I’d like some new shoes, a jetpack and a waistline.
    Jake: You really thought she was gonna make you breakfast?.. Yo, bro.

& Lydia: Charlie... you need to talk to your maid.
    Alan: Shh-shh! Keep your voice down.
    Charlie: Yeah, we don’t use the M-word here.
    Lydia: Why not?
    Alan: Because it’s disrespectful.
    Charlie: Demeaning.
    Alan: And wildly inaccurate.
    Charlie: The point is, Berta’s the one who keeps this house running... and more important, she’s like family.
    Lydia: She’s rude, offensive and vulgar.
    Charlie: Okay, exactly like family.

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& Berta: We need to talk.
    Charlie: Okay.
    Berta: I don’t mind your girlfriends... throwing the occasional thong or panties into the hamper. I just boil them and sell them at the swap meet. But this broad is taking advantage of my easy-going nature.
    Charlie: Now, to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes...
    Berta: Yeah, well, I ain’t hitting any of them attributes, so I don’t give a rat’s ass.

& Alan: I admit, I never thought you’d have the cojones to fire Berta.
    Charlie: Are you kidding? I’ve got huge cojones. Why do you think I wear these baggy shorts?

& Berta: Oh, Charlie, how could you?
    Charlie: Berta, this is not what it looks like!
    Lydia: Charlie, you lied to me.
    Charlie: Lydia, this is not what it looks like!
    Lydia: That’s it, I’m out of here.
    Berta: Me too.
    Charlie: Berta? Lydia? Come on, wait. This is not what it looks like... Say it a few more times, Charlie. Maybe somebody’ll believe you.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.