Two and a Half Men 4x12

Castrating Sheep in Montana

& Jake: Can I get my ear pierced?
    Alan: No!
    Jake: Why not?
    Alan: You can’t keep the holes you have clean.
    Charlie: And you’re too young. Wait till you’re old, desperate and living in your brother’s house.

& Alan: Actually, my ear wasn’t her first choice to pierce.
    Jake: What else can you pierce?
    Alan: & Charlie: Nothing!!
    Jake: Fine, don’t tell me. I’ll Google it.
    Charlie: Don’t worry. He can’t spell pierce.
    Alan: He can’t spell Google!

& Charlie: You do know that’s the gay ear.
    Alan: What?
    Charlie: Left ear says, “I’m a hipster from the disco era. ” Right ear says, “Let’s disco. ”
    Alan: No, no, that can’t be right.
    Charlie: Okay, don’t believe me...
    Berta: Hey, look who’s finally out of the closet!

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& Charlie: Berta’s in my bed!
    Alan: Really? Couldn’t you just pay her in cash this week?.. Ow!
    Charlie: There are some things we don’t joke about.

& Berta: She’s got job interviews this afternoon. I’m gonna watch the baby.
    Charlie: How are you gonna work and watch the baby?
    Berta: Who said I was gonna work?

& Naomi: No, it’s my fault, Mom. Alan wanted to tell you.
    Alan: No, no, it’s my responsibility. If you’re gonna do anything, do it to me.
    Berta: ... Welcome to the family!

& Berta: You made an old lady very happy, Alan.

& Evelyn: This is just mortifying.
    Alan: Mom...
    Evelyn: It’s one thing to diddle the help, Alan. It’s another thing to dine with them.
    Charlie: Jake, are you listening to your iPod?
    Jake: No.
    Charlie: Well, start.

& Evelyn: This is nice flatware. I gave the same pattern to Charlie for his birthday.
    Berta: Yeah, he gave it to me. Next year, he wants a roasting pan.
    Evelyn: You gave away my flatware?
    Charlie: To be fair, Mom, I gave it to you.

& Charlie: So, Berta. Nice house. When do we take the tour?
    Berta: Have you been to the can yet?
    Charlie: Yeah.
    Berta: You took it.

& Evelyn: I’d like to say a few words before we fold up the dining-room table... and commence the square dancing. Alan, you’re my son and I love you. But you and I are through. I just can’t bear it anymore. I have to cut you loose.
    Charlie: Is that all it takes? Hey, Berta, you got any other daughters?

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On the Imdb.