Dirty Little Secret

Preacher 2×10

— Oh, my God! Jesus! Oh, my... Ohh! Oh. Oh, m-m-my... God!

Jesus: I just... I have to do something... for my dad.
— In the middle of the night?
Jesus: I made him a promise...

Jesus: I want you to remember one thing... I love you. And also... you can never, ever tell anyone about this. Cool?

John the Apostle: The Chief Priests are on the warpath. We gotta move.
Jesus: Chill, bro.
John the Apostle: No, I will not chill. They wanna kill you, man!
Jesus: Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
John the Apostle: The hell does that even mean, man?
Jesus: You’ll understand... someday.

Peter: Come on. Judas is meeting us at midnight with the getaway donkeys.

Jesse: Where is God?
Herr Starr: Good question. «No idea» is the short answer. That’s... the long answer, as well.

Jesse: Pie charts. Spreadsheets. What do you have that I need?

Tulip: What’s goin’ on?
Cassidy: Oh, yeah. Right. That’s April. It’s an early birthday gift for the boy. I have, uh... I’ve missed, like, the last 83 or something, so I just... I splurged. You know what I mean?

Cassidy: Honestly, that kid. He’s gonna put me in an early grave... or a late one.

Cassidy: Do you wanna hang? We’re about to play Twister...

Herr Starr: Are you ready?... Good afternoon. Jesse, meet His Holiness the Pope, Bishop of Rome, and the Right Honorable Lord Archbishop of Canterbury... Gentlemen, Jesse Custer.

---

Lara: I’m confused. How did you get rid of him?
Tulip: Well, we got him a soul. And then, uh... Jesse sent him to Hell with his mind power.
Lara: Wow.

Lara: I’m just saying, usually, if something feels wrong, it is wrong... And you are not crazy.

Jesse: God is missing. Do you know where He is?....
Herr Starr: Preacher Custer is with me.

Lord Archbishop of Canterbury: Are you sure you want to know? Some things cannot be... unheard.

Lara: Gosh, how’d you get so good at video games?
Tulip: My parents died... I was put in a home when I was 9. The assholes liked the government checks but hated the kids, so...
Lara: They put you in front of the TV.
Tulip: Pretty much.

Lara: You’re really lucky, you know. You’ve had such an awesome life. You know, acting in L.A., robbing banks in Dallas, looking for God... You’re a survivor.

Herr Starr: Jesse... this is the Christ Child. The Holy bloodline. Our most precious figurehead. The Messiah.

Jesse: I don’t even know what to call you.
Herr Starr: We call him... Humperdoo.
Jesse: You call him...? Aah!

Herr Starr: He likes you.
Humperdoo: Hello. Nice to meet yous. Is so happy to see yous.

Herr Starr: Look, like with any royal family or... Maltese puppy, problems with inbreeding are to be expected.

Herr Starr: God is gone, and nature abhors a vacuum. Sooner or later, someone will fill it. So I ask you... Why go on looking for God when you can just... be Him?

Jesse: That is blasphemy!
Herr Starr: Semantics.

Jesse: I’m not alone. I have friends.
Herr Starr: Do you?
Jesse: Yes, I do. And they’re helping me.
Herr Starr: Are they?

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