Misfits 5×1

& Finn: Well, I’m glad he didn’t die. I am. But I will say this. He may have a new lung, but you can’t replace his cheating heart.

& Rudy: Scouts... Scouts is a time for boys to be boys. You know, the... the first time I masturbated. Scouts. The first time I ever saw another boy’s penis. Scouts. First time I touched another boy’s penis. Scouts. First time another boy touched my penis.
    Jess: Scouts?
    Rudy: It was in Scouts! It was in Scouts. Happy, sunlit days is what they were.

& Rudy: My dad, he used to say to me, you know, he used to say, “Rudy, women are very much like tractors.....” Which I have never understood. I think it’s something, really, to do with potatoes.

& Scout Leader: You are to become one of us.
    Finn: A Scout? Can’t I just fill in a membership form?
    Scout Leader: You are to become an agent of Satan.
    Finn: And if I say no?

& Finn: Is that a chicken? Oh, you... you’ve got the wrong guy. I’d make a terrible agent of Satan. I’m... I’m lazy, and... and disorganised, and ask anyone who knows me, I’m... I’m shit.

& Finn: You’re not going to believe what’s just happened to me.
    Rudy: Were you bent over double again, sucking yourself off, bit of pollen’s gone up your nose, you’ve sneezed, you’ve bit the tip off your penis...
    Finn: No!

& Jess: They don’t look like agents of Satan.
    Finn: Of course they don’t look like agents of Satan. Agents of Satan never look like agents of Satan, do they?

& Greg: Have you been running an illegal slaughterhouse in my community centre?
    Finn: No.
    Greg: If I find out you have been supplying local restaurants and kebab houses with dodgy meat...
    Finn: You won’t, cos I haven’t.

---

& Jess: Why would you do that? Because now I have to end it with you and that is really fucking hard! Say something, then, you dick.
    Alex: .... I promise... it is not what you think.

& Rudy Two: I’m Rudy. Well, Rudy Two. And I was created by the storm. I suppose you could say... I’m the living embodiment of a split personality disorder.

& — This is a chance to use your cock for good.

& Rudy: Finn? No. He’s too short to be the devil.

& Jess: This isn’t you.
    Finn: This is me. I’m just improved. Version 2.0.

& Jess: Isn’t it a bit weird that we’re agents of Satan but we’re still on community service?
    Finn: We’ll burn the probation worker at the stake after lunch.

& Finn: Just because I’m Satan’s chief agent on earth, doesn’t mean I can’t be romantic.

& Alex: There’s always going to be some other girl. I hate myself for what I did to you and I’m sorry. But now I’ve got the chance to... to use my cock for good. And I want to save you. I’m doing this for you.

& Finn: You fucked me?
    Alex: Do you think I enjoyed it?
    Finn: Probably!

& Rudy Two: Are we going to become proper superheroes?

& Abby: Did you get community service for fucking him up the arse or breaking into the community centre?
    Alex: Breaking and entering.
    Rudy: Breaking and entering... his sphincter. Boom!

& Finn: I think we’re all mature enough to brush it under the carpet, as far as it will go. Not just under the carpet — under the underlay under the carpet.
    Alex: Where things go when there’s no need to speak about them or think about them ever again.

& Jess: So, how comes he didn’t take your telekinesis?
    Finn: I guess it’s last in, first out.
    Rudy: Of his sphincter! Boom!

& Rudy: Horrible. Like a frigging giant shagging a dwarf.
    Jess: Boom.

--
On the IMDb

Fearful Pranks Ensue

American Horror Story: Coven

3×4

& Fiona: It’s my duty to stay vital.

& Fiona: Oh, Spalding... I must confess... I’ve always enjoyed our little talks together. Particularly since you lost your tongue. It makes you seem... wiser, somehow. More thoughtful.

& Fiona: Do you know why today is my favorite day of the year?
    Madame LaLaurie: It’s Halloween. Is it the end of harvest already? Land sakes. I suppose you’ll want me lighting the bonfires and putting out food to keep the demons at bay. Evil spirits will walk the earth this night. The dead shall rise and fearful pranks ensue should we fail to protect ourselves.

---

& Madame LaLaurie: Miss Fiona, you look...
    Fiona: Younger?
    Madame LaLaurie: I was gonna say beautiful.
    Fiona: Oh. Well, both are correct.

& Fiona: And as far as silly superstitions, you’re behind the times. Bonfires have become jack-o’-lanterns and harvest offerings, just candy.
    Madame LaLaurie: Do they work?
    Fiona: You’ll see.

& Fiona: Get a good look at me. Who’s the baddest witch in town?

& Hank: I was in a place in San Diego once where they had sushi in the vending machines.
    Kaylee: The raw fish stuff? That sounds disgusting even when it’s fresh.

& Spalding: These are my last words, Miss Fiona... I have always loved you.

--
On the IMDb

Fasting

Citizen Khan 2×4

& Dave: But the Imam’s called a fast for today. Are you not doing it?
Mr. Khan: No way! He’s always calling a fast. We don’t need to starve ourselves all the bloody time. We’re Muslims, not supermodels.

& Alia: What are you doing, Papaji?
    Mr. Khan: It’s for my knee. Pakistani Pilates.
    Alia: What’s that?
    Mr. Khan: It’s like normal Pilates, but you don’t have to spend any money on equipment.

& Mr. Khan: Going somewhere nice?
    Nabila: Une discotheque.
    Mr. Khan: Huh?
    Alia: It’s French for prayer meeting.

---

& Nabila: Merci beaucoup, monsieur.
    Mr. Khan: You’re... wel... come.

& Mrs. Khan: Sell something.
    Mr. Khan: Like what?
    Mrs. Khan: The car!
    Mr. Khan: Never, ever say that. Not even as a joke.

& Shazia: Can I say something?
    Amjad: Shoot.
    Shazia: What do YOU think?
    Amjad: Well... I made a spreadsheet.

--
On the IMDb

The Lone Ranger

& Tonto: Kemosabe?
    Will: Who? Me?
    Tonto: You bring horses?

& Tonto: Never take off mask.

& Will: You’re saying you’re Tonto? The Tonto?
    Tonto: There is another?
    Will: But the Lone Ranger and Tonto were good guys! I mean, they didn’t rob banks... Did they?
    Tonto: Come a time, kemosabe... when good man must wear mask.

& Dan: What’s your crime, boy?
    Tonto: Indian.

& John Reid: Actually, I think I saved your life. So, we’re even. Ow! What the hell was that for?
    Tonto: Bird angry.

& John Reid: All right, but if we ride together, it’s to bring these men to justice in a court of law. Is that understood?
    Tonto: ... Justice is what I seek, kemosabe.

& John Reid: Where did you get that?
    Tonto: Make trade.
    John Reid: With a dead man?
    Tonto: Hard bargain.

& Tonto: Nature is indeed out of balance.

---

& Tonto: Great shot!
    John Reid: That was supposed to be a warning shot.
    Tonto: In that case, not so good.

& John Reid: “Kemosa...” Why do you keep calling me that? What’s that mean?
    Tonto: “Wrong brother.”
    John Reid: Right.

& John Reid: The United States Army. Finally someone who will listen to reason.

& Tonto: Could be worse.
    John Reid: Worse? How could this be worse?
    Tonto: Could develop an itch on your nose.
    John Reid: .... I’m not talking to you any more.

& Tonto: Justice is what a man must take for himself.

& John Reid: I’m not a savage.
    Tonto: You are not a man.

& Tonto: Now... must to jump!
    John Reid: Left or right?
    Tonto: Yes!

& John Reid: If men like him represent the law, I’d rather be an outlaw.
    Tonto: That is why you wear the mask.

& John Reid: Look, I was thinking, if we’re gonna be outlaws, I’m gonna need a better name. I was thinking, “The Mask of Justice.”
    Tonto: No.
    John Reid: What about, “The Lone Rider of...”
    Tonto: No.
    John Reid: Do you know what “Tonto” means in Spanish?

& Will: So, the windigo. Nature out of balance. The masked man. It’s just a story, right? I mean, I know he’s not real... Was he?
    Tonto: Up to you, kemosabe.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Σ Wish it would be shorter...

The Yoga Play

Homeland 3×5

& Mira: They’re gonna talk to him about the permanent job. Director of the CIA.
    Quinn: Better not screw it up.

& Saul: How do I look?
    Quinn: If I was a duck, I’d be worried.

& Quinn: Carrie would never in a million years...
    Saul: But she would. ’Cause that was the play.

& Quinn: What you put yourself through... it was fucking incredible.

& Chairman Lockhart: You ever hunted geese before?
    Saul: No, just spies and traitors. Thought we were hunting duck.
    Chairman Lockhart: Duck season’s long gone, Saul. Goose season’s almost over, too. This is our last chance to take down some big boys.

& Saul: Tell the President not to worry. Morale is good. We’re moving forward.

---

& Saul: I’ll do whatever it takes. But I won’t temper my views just to get your support for my confirmation as director.
    Chairman Lockhart: I’m afraid you’ve got this backwards, old friend. I’m the one getting nominated as director.
    Saul: What?
    Chairman Lockhart: The President’s putting my name up for confirmation tomorrow. So this really isn’t about tempering your views... it’s about changing them. If, that is, you want a job... in my CIA.

& Higgins: So would you please raise a glass with me to Andrew Lockhart, the man the President has chosen to be the next director of the CIA.

& Saul: Being a spy isn’t the same as sitting in a hide waiting for the enemy to come under your guns. You’re in the jungle, usually in the dark, with bad information and unreliable partners.

& Quinn: We lost her.
    Saul: But we know who’s got her. We’re back in business.
    Quinn: She’s on her own, Saul.
    Saul: She’s always been on her own.

& Mr. Zarin: Carrie Mathison. You’re in good shape. Must be all that yoga.

--
On the IMDb

Isolation

The Walking Dead 4×3

& Beth: Maggie. We don’t get to be upset. We all got jobs to do. That’s what Daddy always says. Daryl and Michonne will get the meds. You and Carol and Rick will help everyone till they get back. And I’ll take care of Judith.
Ω Need a miracle, huh. What could it be?

& Beth: Just focus on what you have to do. No matter what happens, we’ll deal with it. We have to.

& Hershel: It was so peaceful...
    Carl: It was. Can’t be like that all the time.

---

& Bob: You really want me coming along?
    Daryl: What’s that word?
    Bob: “Zanamivir.”
    Daryl: Yup, we need you.

& Rick: Hershel, please. We can wait.
    Hershel: Listen, damn it! You step outside, you risk your life. You take a drink of water, you risk your life. And nowadays you breathe, and you risk your life. Every moment now you don’t have a choice. The only thing you can choose is what you’re risking it for.

& Glenn: This sucks. After everything, we just get taken out by a glorified cold.

& Hershel: We got this far somehow, you can believe somehow. Now we all have jobs here. That one’s yours.

& Rick: Is there anything you wouldn’t do for the people here?

--
On the IMDb

The Conjuring

& Lorraine: Demonic spirits don’t possess things. They possess people. It wanted to get inside of you.

& — So, what are you guys? I mean, what do people call you?
    Ed: Uh, we’ve been called demonologists, it’s one name for us. Ghost hunters, paranormal researchers...
    Lorraine: Cucks.
    Ed: Whackos.
    Lorraine: But we preferred to be known simply as Ed and Lorraine Warren.

---

& Reporter: Why not just throw them in the incinerator?
    Ed: Destroy? It will only destroy the vessel. Sometimes it’s better to keep the genie in a bottle.

& Lorraine: Do you remember what you said to me on our wedding night?
    Ed: ... Can we do it again?
    Lorraine: After that.

& Roger: Let her go! God dammit! Let her go!
    Bathsheba: She’s already gone. And now you all gonna die.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Σ Biography!

Mrs Biggs 1×3

& Charmian: I thought it was just sex and it wouldn’t matter, but... I’ve been punished. I’m pregnant... I’m going to have to get rid of it. Unfortunately, that’s against the law.

& — One little sting, dear, and you can be on your way.

& Ronnie: Christ! No, love. No kissing yet. I’m in too much bloody pain. It hurts so much I almost topped myself. A good job I’m a coward.

& Ronnie: So, what do you think? They call it plastic surgery, God knows why. Do I look any different?
    Charmian: Honestly? You look like Fu Manchu. With a dead rat under your nose!

---

& Ronnie: Actually, Nickpops, your surname is King now. So is Twizzy’s.
    Charmian: What?
    Ronnie: We have to cut all links with the UK. Someone might possibly trace Furminger out here, so we have to break the line. As soon as we leave here, we’ll be Terry and Sharon King and their two little King boys. A family of ten-pound poms.

& Ronnie: See? I told you. The future’s... full...
    Charmian: Of possibilities.

& Charmian: Every time we think it’s behind us...

--
On the IMDb

The Replacements

American Horror Story: Coven

3×3

& Fiona: They say when a new Supreme starts to flower, the old Supreme begins to fade. You’ve been fading Anna Leigh.

& Fiona: It’s a dance, a dance no one ever had to teach me. A dance I’ve known since I first saw my reflection in my father’s eyes. My partners have been princes and starving artists, Greek gods and clowns. And everyone of them certain they lead. But it’s always my dance. I make the first move, which is no move at all. I’ve always just understood that they will eventually find themselves in front of me. Primitive, beautiful animals. Their bodies responding to the inevitability of it all. It’s my dance and I have performed it with finesse and abandon with countless partners. Only the faces change. And all this time, I never suspected the night would come when the dance would end.

& Fiona: If I am going to commit to butchery, I want to see exactly how the sausage is made.

& Nan: He’s cute.
    Queenie: Like butter on a stick.

& Madame LaLaurie: That magic box lies. Somebody... somebody in there... they just said that... that-that Negro... is the President of the United States.
    Fiona: I voted for him. Twice. We’ve also had black secretaries of states, Supreme Court justices, and even the poet laureate.
    Madame LaLaurie: Liesssss.
    Fiona: You know, you’ve got a lot to learn.

---

& Fiona: Congratulations, kiddo. You... are the new maid.

& Fiona: You know, Delphine, from now on you are gonna be Queenie’s personal slave. And, Queenie, you ask her to do whatever you need done: make your bed, scrub your toilet. I don’t give a shit.
    Queenie: Sweet.
    Fiona: There’s nothing I hate more than a racist.

& Misty Day: That’s the thing. Can’t be your best self until you find your tribe.

& Fiona: Madison. Have you got a light?

& Cordelia: Marie? If you know who I am, then you know I am well-aware of the Pochaut Medecine.
    Marie Laveau: Hmm. Then you know that spell ain’t no picnic for anyone involved.

& Queenie: My problem ain’t food, you dumb bitch. It’s love. Dr. Phil says that kids from broken homes use food to replace love. It’s comforting.
    Madame LaLaurie: Well, I think you best look for a new physician.

& Fiona: Let me give you some advice. Get your portrait painted when you’re young.

& Fiona: Bury her deep. God knows what all that shit in her body will do to the lawn when it comes up in the spring.

& Fiona: This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme. It needs a new rug.

--
On the IMDb

Ancient History

Elementary 2×5

& Sherlock: Sometimes, Watson, when one wants a diamond, one must resort to digging in a diamond mine.
    Watson: .... For future reference, a morgue is not a diamond mine.
    Sherlock: It’s better. Diamonds are just pressed coal; corpses have stories, secrets.

& Watson: 0 for 19— I think it’s time to call it a day. I’m seriously starving, and that is something that should not be happening in here.
    Sherlock: Well, there’s a vending machine down the hall, and at least a dozen more bodies, so we have the makings of a lovely evening.

& Sherlock: Let’s begin with two givens. Firstly, 76% of all murder victims know their assailant. We, as a species, we tend to be killed by the people closest to us— our friends, our spouses, business associates...

& Sherlock: Travis, you’re alive. That’s unfortunate.

& Sherlock: Alive. Again. Why can’t anyone be dead today?

---

& Gregson: That’s a little loud. You know?
    Sherlock: Studies have consistently shown that changes in one’s surroundings, background noise, even the angle from which materials are viewed, can result in fresh insights.
    Gregson: That was background noise to you, huh?

& Receptionist: Maybe you could come back in an hour?
    Sherlock: No, I’m afraid I cannot; I will be dead by then.
    Receptionist: What?
    Sherlock: I’ve been feeling a bit down; I’m thinking of taking my own life posthaste. Ms. Watson here is beside herself about it. Does that window open?
Receptionist: I’m required by law to take you back to see the doctor if you make a threat like that. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

& Sherlock: While I detest nothing more than willful ignorance, I have come to believe that in certain matters, ignorance bestowed can be a gift. Your friend Jan— she seemed like a nice person. She deserves neither shame nor heartbreak.
    Watson: Okay, first of all, her name is Jen, not Jan...

& Sherlock: Well, you were right, Watson. Honesty— unquestionably the best policy.
    Watson: I want you to know I think it’s really great, you doing what you did today for Jen, so she can finally have a baby— I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so happy... She did tell you she was ovulating, right?
    Sherlock: ........

--
On the IMDb


Soundtrack
http://www.allobo.com/

Σ 

Before Midnight

Before Sunrise

Before Sunset

& Céline: I’m not complaining, I’m getting a lot of attention. But you never stop ogling girls, like...
    Jesse: I don’t ogle girls. I don’t ogle girls. I make love to them with my eyes.

& Jesse: I’m 41 and I’ve loved only you.
    Céline: You are so, so working on our little night already.
    Jesse: Hell, yeah. I got a Trojan in my billfold, and a rocket in my pocket.

& Stefanos: I read both. The first one is That Time, second is This Time.
    Jesse: First is This Time, second is That Time. We’ve got a joke in our family that This brought us back together... and That paid for our apartment.

& Stefanos: The second one is sexy. He misses the plane, they black out the windows... and they have sex for days and days and days like there’s no tomorrow, whoa. Did you guys actually do that?

& Stefanos: When you guys Skype, do you, you know...? Do you go a little crazy?
    Ariadni: Oh, God, you’re being so vulgar.
    Stefanos: I’m just being an amateur anthropologist... interested in virtual worlds on a theoretical level.

& Céline: Let me tell you right now, Anna, how to keep a man. You gotta let them win at all the silly little games they like. When I met Jesse, we were playing pinball. I was winning.
    Jesse: The foundational lie to our relationship.
    Céline: I let the ball go down the middle.
    Jesse: She can’t beat me.
    Céline: It builds their confidence. If I didn’t let him win at every game, we would never have sex. I mean, I’m sorry to say it, but he’s actually a closet macho.

& Natalia: Yes, he appears and he disappears, like a sunrise or sunset. Anything so ephemeral. Just like our life. We appear and we disappear. And we are so important to some... But we are just passing through.

& Céline: You’re the same guy. We always think we’re evolving, but we can’t change that much.
    Jesse: Know how I think I’ve changed the most?.. When I was younger, I just wanted time to speed up.
    Céline: Why?
    Jesse: So I could be on my own... be freed from parents, school, all that shit. I just wanted to close my eyes and wake up and be an adult. Now I feel that happened, and I just want everything to slow down.

& Céline: I’ve always had this feeling no matter where I am in my life... that it’s either a memory or a dream.
    Jesse: You’ve always thought that. Me too. Like, is this really my life? Like, is it happening right now?

& Jesse: Every year, I seem to get a bit more humbled and more overwhelmed... about things I’m never gonna know or understand.

& Céline: But not knowing is not so bad. I mean, the point is to be looking, searching, to stay hungry, right?
    Jesse: I know. It’s true. I just wish it was a little easier.

---

& Céline: Oh, God.
    Jesse: What?
    Céline: No, nothing.
    Jesse: What?
    Céline: This is so weird.
    Jesse: What do you mean?
    Céline: Just this. Us, walking, having a conversation... about something else than scheduling, food, work.
    Jesse: Yeah, how long’s it been since we just wandered around bullshitting?
    Céline: Do you hear what I hear?
    Jesse: The sea?
    Céline: No.
    Jesse: What? Oh, no small feet.

& Céline: Remember Luxembourg Gardens?
    Jesse: Yeah. Used to kick your ass at ping-pong?
    Céline: Congratulations. You beat a woman pregnant with twins.
    Jesse: It’s better than losing to a pregnant woman with twins.

& Céline: Hey, can I ask you a question?
    Jesse: Sure.
    Céline: If we were meeting for the first time today on a train, would you find me attractive?

& Jesse: I can’t believe I’m 41.
    Céline: Yeah, me neither. You’ve gotten so old. I never thought I’d sleep with anyone over 40. Actually, you’re the oldest guy I’ve ever slept with.

& Céline: How long were they married?
    Jesse: Seventy-four years.
    Céline: Fuck. How is that even possible?
    Jesse: I know.
    Céline: How old will we be if we are together 74 years?

& Céline: You didn’t answer the question.
    Jesse: What question?
    Céline: Well, will you be able to put up with me for another 56 more years?
    Jesse: I am looking forward to it.

& Céline: I know everything about you.
    Jesse: I don’t think you do.
    Céline: No? Okay. Well, I know you better than I know anybody else on the planet.
    Jesse: But maybe that’s not saying much.
    Céline: Right now... this is great. I feel close to you.
    Jesse: Yeah.
    Céline: But sometimes... I feel like you’re breathing helium and I’m breathing oxygen.

& Céline: He was this friend of mine... that when he found out he had leukemia and was probably gonna die... the first thing that came to his mind was relief.
    Jesse: Relief? At what?
    Céline: Yeah. Before he found out he had nine months to live, he was worried about money. And now his thought was, “I have enough money to live nine months. I’ve made it.”
    Jesse: Oh, okay.
    Céline: I mean... He was finally able to enjoy everything about life, even being stuck in traffic. He would just enjoy looking at people, staring at their faces, just little things.
    Jesse: And then what happened?
    Céline: What do you mean?
    Jesse: Well, like, is he still alive?
    Céline: No, he died a long time ago.

& Céline: Oh, I miss the girls.
    Jesse: I don’t.
    Céline: This is such a nice view.
    Jesse: The only view that I am interested in...
    Céline: What? What?
    Jesse: ...is right here.

& Céline: You know those magnet words that people make sentences with?.. Someone had put together, “Women explore for eternity... in the vast garden of sacrifice.”

& Jesse: Hank didn’t do anything, but he’s the one getting kicked in the teeth.
    Céline: We all get dragged through our parents’ lives.

& Céline: You know what I love about men? They still believe in magic. Little fairies around who pick up their socks... little fairies unload the dishwasher, little fairies sunscreen the kids. Little fairies who make the Greek salad that you eat like a pig.

& Céline: You know what my secret fear is? With every man? Is that they all wanna turn me into a submissive housewife.
    Jesse: Okay. No one could ever do that. All right? I promise. It would be easier to fit your head into a toaster... than to turn you into anything submissive.

& Céline: People expect women to have this instinct that kicks in... like a female baboon. But I had no idea how to do anything. I loved them so much and I was doing everything wrong. And you were away so often, calling me, and asking me how my day went... and I couldn’t even say it to you because I felt so ashamed... to be so clueless.
    Jesse: I think you did great.
    Céline: No, I didn’t.
    Jesse: No, you did. Well, you did a good job faking it, then.

& Céline: The only upside of being over 35 is that you don’t get raped as much. I read it. It’s true.

& Jesse: And all of a sudden, I just saw it all. You know, all this petty jealously and selfishness, you know? And I remember thinking, “Okay, this is the natural human state.” You know, just always a little dissatisfied, perpetually discontented, you know? I mean, look at us. Here we are, we are in, you know, the Garden of Eden... and we can’t stop fighting.
    Céline: I don’t think there’s one natural human state. The human state is multiple. If that’s what you see when you’re watching the girls play... that means you’re depressed.

& Céline: You know something? The way you write, people come up to me and think... I make love to some wildcat Henry Miller type. You like to have sex the exact same way every time. When you got it, you got it. Kissy, kissy. Tittie, tittie. Pussy.
Jesse: I’m a man of simple pleasures.
Céline: Yeah, very simple...

& Céline: I just wanna know. Okay? Be a man and admit the truth.
    Jesse: .... I am giving you my whole life, okay? I got nothing larger to give. I’m not giving it to anybody else. If you’re looking for permission to disqualify me... I’m not gonna give it to you. Okay? I love you... and I am not in conflict about it. But if what you want is a laundry list... of things about you that piss me off, I could give it to you.
    Céline: Yeah. I want to hear.
    Jesse: Okay. Well... let’s start at number one, okay? Number one, you’re fucking nuts. All right? You are. Good luck finding somebody... to put up with your shit for more than, like, six months. Okay? But I accept the whole package, the crazy and the brilliant, all right? You’re not gonna change, I don’t want you to. It’s accepting you for being you.

& Céline: So you did fuck her. Thank you very much!
    Jesse: Do I ask about the time you went to your old boyfriend after his mother died? No. Why? Because I know the way that your fucking French ass works...

Ω That’s it? Such a short distance between 74-years marriage and ’I don’t love you anymore.’ So there will not be any ’Before something’? That’s a pity.

& Céline: I don’t talk to strangers.
    Jesse: That’s the thing, I’m not a stranger. No, no, no, we’ve met before. Summer ’94.

& Jesse: No, no, no. I’m only here as a messenger. I’ve just traveled all the way from the future. I was just with your 82-year-old self... who gave me a letter to read to you. So here I am.

& Jesse: “I am sending you this young man.” Yes, young. “And he will be your escort. God knows he has many problems and has struggled his whole life... connecting and being present even with those he loves the most. And for that he is deeply sorry. But you are his only hope. Céline, my advice to you is this. You’re entering the best years of your life. Looking back from where I sit now...”

& Jesse: Maybe I should skip over some of this.
    Céline: Yeah, skip away. Please.
    Jesse: Okay... All right. Boring stuff. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it’s like, blah, blah, blah, financial tips... horoscope stuff. Okay, here it is. “P.S. By the way, the best... By the way, the best sex of my life in the southern Peloponnese. Don’t miss it. My whole sexual being went to a new, ground-breaking level.”
    Céline: Ground-breaking. Great. I don’t even know what that means.

& Jesse: All right, I put up with plenty of your shit. And if you think I’m just some dog who’s gonna keep coming back, you’re wrong. But if you want true love, then this is it. This is real life. It’s not perfect, but it’s real. And if you can’t see it, then you’re blind, all right, and I give up.

& Céline: So, what about this time machine?
    Jesse: What do you mean?
    Céline: How does it work?
    Jesse: Well, it’s complicated.
    Céline: Am I gonna have to get naked to operate it? I mean...
    Jesse: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s actually... It’s been a real issue, you know? I mean, I... Clothes, they don’t travel well through the whole space-time continuum. It’s...

& Céline: You mentioned the southern Peloponnese?
    Jesse: Yeah, yeah, and we’re in the southern Peloponnese. Yeah, and do you think it could be tonight... that you’re still talking about in your 80’s?
    Céline: Well... it must have been one hell of a night we’re about to have.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Σ Perfect. They did it again. Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke. Tremendous. Dialogs in those "Before..." movies as 'the nectar of Céline's sex' ages like a fine wine.

Wanted Mans

The Wrong Mans 1×5

& Agent Paul: OK, kids... meet your targets. The last agent who got too close ended up in a body bag. So find them... watch them... keep your distance. These guys are probably armed... and definitely dangerous.

& Phil: Mum, listen to me. Mum, listen to my voice... Breath in through your mouth, and out through your nose, in through your mouth, out through your nose, in through your... out through your... I’m trying to do the right thing.

& Linda: I think the bullet’s still in there.
    Sam: Have you done this before?
    Linda: No. But you don’t spend 12 years in A without seeing your fair share of gunshot wounds.
    Sam: Wow, how many have you seen?
    Linda: Two. If you count this one.

& Phil: It’s a USB stick. This is what she wants... This is the key! We need to find out what’s on this!
    Sam: No, we don’t. That’s only going to make things worse. What we don’t know can’t hurt us.

---

& Phil: It’s not... We weren’t watching it like that, that’s not what it is, we were... It was for research.
    Linda: What did I tell you? What did I tell you about watching mucky ladies?
    Phil: They’re not happy.
    Linda: No, they are not happy.

& Agent Paul: Hello, Sam.
    Sam: Oh, hello, Sam, someone just put me through to you.
    Agent Paul: No, no, no. My name isn’t Sam, I’m saying, ’Hello, Sam,’ I know who you are.

& Agent: Who are you? Who are you working for?
    Sam: I’m a town planning and noise guidance adviser... for Berkshire County Council.

& Agent Paul: Ты в порядке?
    Agent: Да!
    Agent Paul: Вот и проблема.

& Sam: Something’s not right.
    Phil: Oh, no, we’ve shaken them. This is it! We’re clear! This is us now! We just keep driving. We drive this road. This road is going to take us all the way to Mexico City!

& Phil: OK, let’s do this.
    Sam: Do what?
    Phil: Get down!
    Agent Paul: ...one!
    Sam: No!
    Phil: Yaaah!

--
On the IMDb

Уильям Пол Янг — Хижина (2/2)

Начало

&  Ты, как большинство мужчин, полагаешь, что самое главное – твои жизненные достижения, а Нэн, как большинство женщин, видит это главное во взаимоотношениях.

&  Многие верят, что любовь растет, но растет только понимание, а любовь просто расширяется, чтобы занять весь объем.

&  В его голове прозвучал совет матери: «Если не можешь сказать ничего приятного, лучше промолчи».

&  За свою жизнь ты очень много судил. Ты судил поступки и даже мотивы, движущие другими людьми, как будто действительно знал, что ими движет. Ты судил цвет кожи, язык тела и его запах. Ты судил историю и взаимоотношения людей. Ты судил даже ценность человеческой жизни согласно своей собственной концепции прекрасного. По всем статьям, ты весьма опытен в подобного рода деятельности...
     Скажи мне, если сможешь, на основании каких критериев ты выносишь свои суждения?

&  – Если ты судишь, требуется, чтобы ты ощущал свое превосходство над подсудимым.

---

&  Все его суждения были поверхностными, основанными на внешних проявлениях и поступках, факты легко истолковывались в соответствии с его душевным состоянием, предвзятостью он подкреплял свое желание возвыситься над другими или ощутить защищенность или сопричастность.

&  Люди никогда не вершат зло в такой полноте и с такой готовностью, как когда делают это из религиозных побуждений.
Блез Паскаль

&  Стоит уничтожить Бога, и Богом станет правительство.
Г. К. Честертон

&  Привычное – это миф.

&  Ложь самое естественное убежище, куда бросается выживший. Она дает ощущение защищенности, это место, где каждый зависит только от себя самого. Однако местечко темное, правда?

&  Ложь – это маленькая крепость, внутри ее ты якобы в безопасности, чувствуешь себя полновластным хозяином. Из этой крепости ты пытаешься управлять своей жизнью и манипулировать другими людьми. Однако крепости нужны стены, и ты их строишь. Это оправдания для твоей лжи. Будто бы ты лжешь, чтобы защитить кого то, кого ты любишь, спасти от боли. В ход идет все, что угодно, лишь бы тебе было уютно внутри твоей лжи.

&  – Значит, мы так любим закон потому, что он дает нам власть?
     – Все гораздо хуже. Он гарантированно дарует вам возможность судить других и ощущать свое превосходство над ними. Вы верите, что живете по более высоким стандартам, чем те, кого вы судите. Насаждать силой правила, в особенности в наиболее тонких сферах, таких как ответственность или упование, это тщетная попытка создать уверенность из неопределенности.

&  Правила не могут дать свободу, они лишь обладают властью обвинять.

&  Ответственность и обязанности лежат в основе вины, стыда и суда, они служат главным мерилом, которое определяет исполнительность как основополагающую составляющую индивидуальности и значимости.

&  Мысль, стоящая за возложением обязанностей, подразумевает, что кто то не знает будущего, не знает неизбежного исхода и пытается управлять поведением, чтобы получить желаемый результат. Люди стараются управлять поведением главным образом через возложение обязанностей.

&  Если хоть что-нибудь важно, то важно все. Поскольку ты важен, важно и все, что ты делаешь.

  ... И я не удивлюсь, если Мак выходит на старый причал, снимает ботинки и носки и, как вы догадываетесь, ставит ноги на воду, чтобы выяснить, не здесь ли... ну, вы меня понимаете...”

The Internship

& Boss: You weren’t going to get the sale anyway. Nobody wears a watch anymore. They just check their goddamn phones.

& Boss: Watches are obsolete, and so are the two of you.
    Nick: Hey. Obsolete? What does that even mean?
    Boss: Everything’s computerized now. It’s cheaper for a machine to tell these companies what to order than a manufacturer’s rep. They don’t need us anymore.
    Nick: No, people have a deep mistrust of machines.
    Billy: That’s right.
    Nick: Have you seen Terminator?
    Billy: Yep. Mmhmm. All of them.
    Nick: Or 2 or 3 or 4? People want to deal with people, not Terminators.
    Boss: People hate people. Times have changed.

& Boss: Strap it in, boys, ’cause it ain’t pretty out there. And you two are dinosaurs. Face it.

& Nick: Just when you think your day couldn’t get any worse, it got worse. I feel like my day bent me over, put a ball in my mouth and fucked me bad.

---

& Kevin: There he is. Nickrophiliac!

& Nick: Now, can we talk about this later?
    Billy: No, we can’t talk about it later. The future doesn’t know later.
    Nick: What are you..? All the future is, is later. That’s literally what the future is. It’s later.

& Nick: What are you talking about?
    Billy: Google... The place is amazing. They got nap pods, they got massage rooms, they got a volleyball court. They got the whole nine. It’s ranked as the greatest place to work at in America.

& Allison: Um, we’re gonna ask you a few questions that some of our candidates find a little bit odd.
    Nick: Let’s get weird!
    Billy: No judgment. Shoot.
    Benjamin: You’re shrunken down to the size of nickels and dropped to the bottom of a blender. What do you do?

& Benjamin: What type of computer do you use for your coding ability?
    Billy: Coding ability?
    Benjamin: Uh, yeah. Uh, under computer skills, you put “Cplusplus. ”
    Billy: That’s actually a Cplus.
    Benjamin: What’s that?
    Billy: Well, the second plus is to reflect my attitude of how I felt about the Cplus. But it’s a Cplus. It was a typing class. You know, same principle, just not the engine inside the baby there. But it was more like “quick brown fox.” You know, put your hands in the basin, and crushing it like that. But that helped me out a lot when I, as I started my journey into computers because I already knew where to put my hands, clearly.

& Billy: Would I be wrong to call you my brother?
    Nick: Of course not. I’d do anything for my little show pony. Look at me. Anything.
    Billy: I’m gonna need you to ice my balls for me. ... Brother!

& Stuart: Oh, the whole world looks like a giant pinwheel of death right now.
    Nick: Price of making memories, Stewie.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Σ Not a masterpiece. Although it should be noted, 100% of screen time are purest sales. Impressive.

The Romance Resonance

The Big Bang Theory 7×6

& Penny: Uh, Sheldon, you want to take a break? Your food’s ready.
    Leonard: No, no, what are you doing? He’s both happy and quiet. It’s like seeing a unicorn and Bigfoot at the same time.

& Bernadette: Great news! A raccoon virus just crossed the species barrier and now can infect humans!
    Raj: Why is that great news?
    Bernadette: In the pharmaceutical business, we have a saying: “Mo’ infections, mo’ money.”

& Penny: Okay, just you wait and see. I’m gonna romance your freakin’ ass off.
    Leonard: That’s beautiful. Is that Shakespeare?

& Leonard: All right, I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but you haven’t spoken in hours and I’m starting to get worried. Please say something.
    Sheldon: Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius.

& Sheldon: Look at it! I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful.

& Sheldon: Gentlemen. Uh, no doubt you heard about my little breakthrough. Now, if your plan is to hoist me on your shoulders and carry me around the cafeteria, please refrain. I don’t care for heights, motion sickness or the thought of your necks touching my buttocks.

---

& Sheldon: No. No, no, no, no.
    Amy: What’s wrong?
    Sheldon: I’ve made a horrible mistake.
    Amy: What are you talking about?
    Sheldon: This table— it’s in square centimeters. I read it as square meters. You know what that means?
    Amy: That Americans can’t handle the metric system?

& Sheldon: I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.
    Amy: You know, Sheldon, in neuroscience, we’re forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else.
    Sheldon: Oh, great. Now I’m worse than a fraud. I’m practically a biologist.

& Sheldon: How do I make them stop loving me?
    Leonard: Invite them to live with us.

& Leonard: It must be nice to have someone do something so romantic.
    Penny: Okay, you know what’s not romantic? Rubbing it in someone’s face.
    Leonard: Actually, it can be, but I told you sex doesn’t count.

& Amy: Sheldon, I’ve been thinking about it, and you’re right. You don’t deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for you.
    Sheldon: That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard...
    Penny: Damn it, everyone’s better at this than me!

& Sheldon: I hate to pile on the bad news, but I just got a raise.

& Penny: All right, lover boy. Get ready, ’cause there is a crap storm of romance coming your way.

& Leonard: Is that a pregnancy test?
    Penny: Oh, yeah, just the first one. I didn’t save them all.

& Sheldon: I can’t believe I read this table wrong. I blame you... You distract me. I’ve been distracted since the moment I met you.
    Amy: Sorry.
    Sheldon: Well, you should be. Because all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you.
    Amy: Oh, Sheldon.

& Sheldon: Amy? Amy! Did you hear what I said?
    Amy: Can’t talk, in the zone.

--
On the IMDb

Уильям Пол Янг — Хижина

Стивен Кинг, Счастливый брак:

Пару дней назад он сказал ей: «Ты должна обязательно прочесть ее. Она перевернет твое представление о мире».

  “После необычайно сухой зимы выдался дождливый март. ...

&  Ему это нужно было для того, чтобы они поняли, ... что происходит в его внутреннем мире. Вы знакомы с этим местом, местом, где в полном одиночестве пребываете вы сами, ну и еще, возможно, Бог, если вы в него верите. Разумеется, Бог может присутствовать там, даже если вы в него не верите. Это очень на него похоже.

&  Ничто не делает нас такими одинокими, как наши тайны.
Поль Турнье

&  Удивительно, как, казалось бы, совершенно незначительный поступок или событие могут полностью перевернуть всю жизнь.

&  Иногда искренность чревата лишь неприятностями.

&  Жизнь требует некоторого времени и многочисленных взаимоотношений.

&  – Если ты хочешь продвинуться хотя бы на йоту, мы можем поговорить о природе свободы как таковой. Означает ли свобода то, что ты можешь делать все, что хочешь? Или потолкуем обо всех ограничениях в твоей жизни, которые на самом деле лишают тебя свободы? О генетическом наследии твоей семьи, о твоей уникальной ДНК, об особенностях метаболизма, о всяких там квантах, которые выведут нас на над атомный уровень...? Или же обсудим такие темы, как вторжение в твою душу болезни, которая живет и сковывает тебя, влияние социума, окружающего тебя, привычки, которые порождают синаптические связи и прокладывают тропки в твоем разуме? А ведь есть еще реклама, пропаганда и парадигмы. Учитывая влияние всех этих факторов, всех этих влияний и ограничений, что на самом деле есть свобода?

&  Свободу нельзя навязать силой.

---

&  Важна здесь только любовь, которую они испытывают друг к другу, и полнота ощущений, которую дает им эта любовь.

&  Решение ходить по земле – это выбор, призванный сделать взаимоотношения более тесными, уважать их. Ты ведь и сам так поступаешь. Ты же играешь с детьми или раскрашиваешь им картинку не для того, чтобы выказать свое превосходство. Напротив, ты сознательно ограничиваешь себя, чтобы упрочить и уважить ваши взаимоотношения. Ты даже способен проиграть в каком-нибудь состязании, чтобы проявить любовь. Ведь главное здесь не победа или поражение, а любовь и уважение.

&  Истинные взаимоотношения никогда не строятся на власти, и один из способов избежать желания властвовать – это сознательно ограничить себя и служить. Люди часто так делают: ухаживают за слабыми и больными, помогают тем, чей разум склонен блуждать, заботятся о бедных, любят очень старых и очень юных и даже пекутся о тех, кто когда-то проявлял свою власть над ними.

&  Этот день показался бы тебе гораздо милее, если бы ты просто принял то, что есть, вместо того чтобы пытаться подогнать действительность под какие-то свои предвзятые убеждения.

&  Нет необходимости наказывать людей за грехи. Грех уже сам по себе наказание, пожирающее тебя изнутри.

&  Власть... всего лишь оправдание для сильных, которые заставляют других исполнять то, чего желают они.

&  – Как ты думаешь, люди были созданы, чтобы жить в настоящем, прошлом или будущем?
     – Ну, мне кажется, наиболее очевидный ответ, что мы созданы жить в настоящем. А это не так?
     – ...ты совершенно прав. Но теперь скажи мне, где ты проводишь больше времени в своем воображении: в настоящем, прошлом или будущем?
     Мак на минуту задумался, прежде чем ответить.
     – Полагаю, мне придется признать, что я меньше всего трачу времени на настоящее. Лично я по большей части представляю прошлое и почти все оставшееся время пытаюсь вообразить будущее.
     – Как и большинство людей. Когда я живу..., я делаю это в настоящем, живу в настоящем. Не в прошлом, хотя многое можно вспомнить и постичь, оглядываясь назад, но только на минуту, а не для того, чтобы задерживаться там. И совершенно точно, не в будущем, которое ты видишь или воображаешь. Мак, ты сознаешь, что твое представление о будущем ... почти всегда продиктовано какими-либо страхами...?
     – Но почему так? – спросил Мак.
     – Это твоя отчаянная попытка управлять тем, над чем у тебя нет власти. Ты не имеешь власти над будущим, потому что оно нереально и никогда не станет реальным. Ты стараешься, разыгрываешь из себя Бога, воображая зло, которое, как ты опасаешься, станет реальностью, а затем строишь планы, как избежать этого зла.

Окончание

I Called Him Magoo

Two and a Half Men 7×20

& Berta: You know, Zippy, you remind me of a blind cat I used to have. Bumping into walls, stepping in his water dish. He was a hoot. I called him Magoo.
    Alan: Cute.
    Berta: No, he was ugly too.

& Alan: I’ve got a romantic night planned but need somebody to keep an eye on Jake. He’s grounded.
    Charlie: I got a better idea. Open the door and leave a trail of hamburgers... to the Army recruiting office. Everybody wins but America.
    Alan: Hey, uh, Berta, would you do me a favor?
    Berta: Oh, Magoo, always walking into walls...

& Alan: You don’t have to be responsible for him. Just let him see you. You know, the illusion of adult supervision.

& Lyndsey: Nevertheless, I do have a plan B.
    Alan: Oh, what’s that?
    Lyndsey: Plan B, Alan. It goes with my plan J.

& Jasmine: So, Charlie, how can I make you happy?
    Charlie: What are my choices?
    Jasmine: Well, you paid for the full girlfriend experience... so anything you want.
    Charlie: Anything I want. I like that. Okay. Read this magazine... while I watch SportsCenter. I want the girlfriend experience. That’s what my girlfriend used to do.
    Jasmine: Okay.
    Charlie: And every once in a while... look at me and sigh while rolling your eyes. ... Oh, baby, that’s what Daddy likes.

---

& Alan: You stole drugs from your son?
    Lyndsey: It’s only fair. He stole my youth.

& Jasmine: And what kind of sex does Charlie want?
    Charlie: Oh. Hard to pick. It’s kind of like Baskin-Robbins. You know, if they charged a thousand dollars a scoop.
    Jasmine: And sprinkles are way extra.

& Lyndsey: You’re a good kisser, Alan.
    Alan: Thank you.
    Lyndsey: Better than my ex-husband.
    Alan: ... Oh. Well, good for me.
    Lyndsey: Course, he made up for it below the waist... if you know what I mean.
    Alan: ..... He had big feet?
    Lyndsey: Three of them, but only two wore shoes.
    Alan: ....... Lucky you.
    Lyndsey: Oh, don’t worry, size doesn’t matter to me.
    Alan: Good to know.
    Lyndsey: In fact, in this situation, the smaller the better.
    Alan: Um... you’re welcome?

& Lyndsey: What the hell was that?
    Alan: Um, I don’t know. Maybe the strawberries are fighting with the oysters. Uh-oh.
    Lyndsey: What?
    Alan: I think the oysters are making a break for it. Excuse me.
    Lyndsey: Are you gonna throw up?
    Alan: I wish. You might wanna turn the TV on. Loud.

& Charlie: How about you drag me to some boring museum so I can miss the Lakers game?
    Jasmine: It’s your money. Is it okay if I go take a shower?
    Charlie: Sure. I’ll be up in a bit... Still cheaper than getting married.

--
On the IMDb

Σ Poor Charlie.

One Riot, One Ranger

Revolution 2×5

& Monroe: Well... God bless America.

& Miles: So, how well did we bury Ken?
    Rachel: I scrubbed the blood, wiped down the scene. I think I covered it... What?
    Miles: You’re a complicated woman.
    Rachel: Yeah.

& Miles: Hey, everybody... can we... dial back the crazy just a little bit?

& Rachel: You know that guy, Miles?
    Miles: Back when Texas and the Monroe Republic were squabbling, I sort of tried to kill him.
    Rachel: Oh... good.
    Miles: Hopefully he’s over it by now ’cause he’s our best shot.
    Rachel: At what?
    Miles: Starting a war with the Patriots.

& Neville: I’m... glad to have your trust.
    Justine Allenford: You don’t have my trust. You have my orders.

& Franklin Fry: Miles? What the hell are you doing here?
    Miles: It would help if you called me “Stu Redman.”
    Franklin Fry: Bastard.
    Miles: “Redman.”

---

& Miles: They’re invading. They’re sure as hell not gonna stop at your doorstep. But Texas is an 800-pound gorilla... in a stetson.

& Miles: Well, you picked a hell of a time to come back.
    Charlie: Pretty sure we’re in some real trouble.
    Miles: What? You kidding?
    Charlie: That’s why I came back. To save your asses.

& Cynthia: So you want to be a teacher?
    Aaron: Not really. But, I mean, I don’t know. I did it before...
    Cynthia: What are your qualifications?
    Aaron: Four degrees. Two doctorates from MIT.
    Cynthia: You are... insanely qualified.
    Aaron: That’s true.
Ω It’s great to have a good writers.

& Aaron: Please. I need a job. I need this job.
    Cynthia: .... Do you think you could learn to smile?

& Charlie: Okay, so now you need to promise me to not, you know, explode or go crazy.
    Miles: Wait, huh? No. That’s never a good...
    Monroe: Miles.

& Rachel: I know you’re upset.
    Aaron: Upset? “Upset” doesn’t touch it.

& Charlie: What do we do?
    Monroe: You remember South Bend?
    Miles: Yeah, that’ll work.
    Charlie: What? You guys are just saying cities!

--
On the IMDb

Amjad's Health Check

Citizen Khan 2×3

& Alia: I’m so proud of you, Papaji.
    Mr. Khan: Wow. You’re like the son your mother never gave me.
    Alia: Thanks. So, can I have some money?

& Mrs. Khan: We’re going to buy baby clothes. Exciting, isn’t it?
    Mr. Khan: Exciting?! It’s a bloody miracle!

& Abbas: Sorry, and you are?
    Mr. Khan: Mr Khan. Community leader. They all know me.
    Abbas: Tony Abbas, er, Member of Parliament.
    Mr. Khan: I know who you are. I’m MP, too.
    Abbas: Oh, really?
    Mr. Khan: Yes. Muslim Pakistani.

---

& Mr. Khan: I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, Dave, but you’re not part of the Asian community. Look at me. Face brown, hair black. That’s an Asian. Look at you. Face white, hair ginger. That’s a ginger.

& Mr. Khan: Amjad, don’t just stand there. Help me!
    Amjad: The lock’s jammed.
    Mr. Khan: Well, climb over, you idiot!
    Amjad: That’s dangerous!
    Mr. Khan: Amjad! I dragged myself 10,000 miles to this country. And you can’t even climb over a toilet cubicle?!

& Receptionist: Name?
    Mr. Khan: Mr Khan. K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.

& Mrs. Khan: What are you talking about?
    Mr. Khan: Right. Ok. You know in the cricket, and you have balls, and sometimes you have fast balls, slow balls, white balls, red balls, and even wide balls? Well, sometimes you can end up with... no ball... And if it’s a no-ball, it’s no good because it won’t count. Do you see?
    Omar: So, his testicle has been repaired?

--
On the IMDb

The Heat

& Ashburn: You know, they loved these houses during the Prohibition Era. You guys know what prohibition is, don’t you?
    Tough Guy #2: Yeah, selling your ass for money?
    Tough Guy #1: Really?
    NY Agent: Really?
    Ashburn: No. No, it was, uh, alcohol.

& Police Dispatch: Hey, Mullins. Captain wants to know when you’re coming in.
    Mullins: Hey, you know what? Tell him I’ll be there sharply at, uh, go-fuck-yourself o’clock. Okay? If there’s no traffic.

& Mullins: I’ll shut the door on you. You lay down here and put your head in the door. And I’ll slam it about 157,000 times.
Ω Must be 157,200.

& Mullins: Maybe they’re in here. Maybe they’re in here... Nope, they’re not in there. Let me see.
    Ashburn: What is she doing?
    Mullins: They’re not under there.
    Captain Woods: She’s looking for my balls.
    Ashburn: Oh.
    Mullins: Hey, if anyone sees the captain’s balls, let me know! They’re about this big, but a lot tinier. They’re like a pea, or like a, like a ball bearing, or like, if you’ve ever seen a mouse ball, about half that size. Incredibly tiny. They’re like really, really tiny, little girl balls, if little girls had balls. So if you find little, tiny, girl balls that are so fucking tiny and shriveled up, let me know, ’cause I’ll put them right back up his scrotum!

& Mullins: Thank you. Hey, America thanks you.
    Ashburn: And I, it.
    Mullins: And it, you.

& Ashburn: I’m a trained interviewer.
    Mullins: “Interviewer”? What are you, fucking Barbara Walters? I just thought we were gonna go in there and bring in some heat on her.
    Ashburn: I’m sorry, w- what is... what does that even mean?
    Mullins: What does that mean? Me and you, we’re the heat. We go in there, we interrogate her, we scare the shit out of her...
    Ashburn: See, we don’t say “interrogation. ” It’s, it’s much too aggressive. Rule number one: catch more with sugar than a stick.
    Mullins: That’s a horrible fucking saying.

& Mullins: I... my fear is that I’m gonna put you in a bikini and you’ll still look like a fucking bank teller.
    Ashburn: Okay, do you have to use that language, do you?
    Mullins: I’m trying to make a point. I’m saying your face and whatever is underneath this shitty outfit is maybe not terrible.

& Ashburn: What the “F”?!

& Mullins: Who the fuck are you?
    Peter: That’s Gina.
    Mullins: Well, tell Gina I’m going to strangle her at the table.
    Beth: Hey, she is my best friend. You touch her, you got to go through me first.
    Mullins: Who the fuck are you? I’ll kill you and kill her with your fucking dead body!

---

& Ashburn: Um, I forgot to get your number.
    LeSoire: Cool. Yeah. Uh, it’s 1-800-give-me-your-fucking-guns.
    Ashburn: That’s... that’s, uh... that’s... that’s too many numbers.

& Mullins: Fuck that guy. Right? If you’re not in trouble, you’re not doing your job.

& Mullins: We should go get a drink. Right? What’s the point of being a cop if you can’t get one drink at the end of the night?

& Mullins: It’s not you; it’s me. Uh, I’m still working on myself, so I can’t be a part of two until I’m a better one.
    Robin: Okay, don’t. You don’t have to do that.
    Mullins: Uh, wait, I still... my favorite’s coming. Oh. You make me want to be a better woman... We did have a lot of fun. And now we’re going to move on... Let it go.

& Ashburn: You cannot take that car. It’s government property.
    Wayne: Oh, yeah? Well, I pay taxes, so fuck the government!
    Ashburn: Let’s not, okay?

& Mullins: God, I hope a truck hits us and we all die.

& Ashburn: Why don’t you have your own phone?
    Mullins: Who am I, the Queen of England?
    Ashburn: I don’t know, does the Queen of England only wear sweatpants?
    Mullins: Fuck you.
    Ashburn: You... “F” you.

& Dealer: Hey. I think it’d be much more better if you put your hands up.
    Ashburn: “Much more better”? Drop the gun and take a grammar course, you idiot.
    Dealer: Who the fuck are you?
    Ashburn: Me and her? We’re the fuckin’ heat.

& Mullins: Are you hungry? I got a sandwich I didn’t finish.
    Ashburn: Is that the same sandwich you offered me a week ago?
    Mullins: It’s cheese. Cheese doesn’t go bad.

& Julian: Put the fucking guns down.
    Mullins: No, thanks.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Σ Could be “Much more better”.

The Dinner

Hello Ladies 1×4

& Stuart: Why are we watching this?
    Wade: It was nominated for seven Oscars.
    Stuart: I don’t care. If one of these women doesn’t take her shirt off in the next five minutes, I’m switching it off.

& Stuart: I’m going to leave the price on so they know how much we’ve spent.
    Jessica: No, we’re not doing that again.
    Stuart: Yes, I spent 12.99 on it.

---

& Andy: So, ladies, what do you do for a living?
    Jessica: I am an actress.
    Andy: Ah.
    Amelia: I’m an actor.
    Andy: Ah.

& Stuart: Now, what is the “Vanities” section? ’Cause that sounds fascinating.
    Armand: I write profiles on up-and-coming actresses.
    Andy: He discovered Annie Hathaway when she was nobody. Rachel McAdams when she was nobody.
    Armand: Amy Adams when she was nobody.
    Jessica: Well, I’m a nobody. Can I be in it?

--
On the IMDb

Σ  Embarrassing and touching.

Game On

Homeland 3×4

& Saul: Don’t smile yet. Right now it’s just a theory.

& Honorable Special Justice Robert Strauss: I’m inclined to agree with you, Counselor, but Ms. Mathison signed away some of her Constitutional protections when she went to work for the CIA.
    Counselor: Is that true?
    Carrie: Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, among others.

& Counselor: Well, do we at least have the right to appeal?
    Strauss: Frankly, I don’t know.
    Counselor: What do you mean, you don’t know?
    Strauss: This is a new one for me, too, Counselor. Ms. Mathison, I am sorry. But you’ve been designated a security risk. My hands are tied.

& Carrie: How did you arrange my release?
    Franklin: A judge we know, who, by the way, is more than willing to make it permanent.
    Carrie: In exchange for...?
    Franklin: A sit-down with one of the partners in the firm.
    Carrie: That’s all? Nothing’s that easy.

& Saul: Find her. Get her off the street.

& Virgil: You are radioactive, Carrie.

---

& Dana: ’In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
                a stately pleasure dome decree
                where Alf The Sacred River ran
                through caverns measureless to man
                down to a sunless sea.’

& Dana: We’re here... because this is where it happened. The last true statement he ever said to me.
    Leo: Which was?
    Dana: “Good-bye.” Everything after that was a lie.

& Carrie: I’m not going to jail.
    Bennett: It seems to me you’re already there.

& Carrie: I won’t do it. Iran was behind the Langley bombing.
    Bennett: Which they carried out in retaliation for Israeli air strikes on their nuclear facilities.
    Carrie: I reject the comparison.
    Bennett: Why? It’s one military target for another. Iran takes great care in its proportional response to acts of aggression. An airliner for an airliner, a Mossad agent for a physicist...
Ω Such an agenda here.

& Bennett: You familiar with the term “Controversialize”?.. Well, that’s what they’re doing to you. They’re turning you into the story. ... Pretty soon, it’s not a story about a terrorist attack anymore or how the people meant to protect us screwed up. It’s about you. It’s about sex between a bipolar CIA officer and her brainwashed boyfriend.

& Carrie: I’m not a traitor.
    Bennett: No. What you are is a liability to a lot of people who’ve got a lot to lose.

& Bennett: Let us help you, Carrie.

& Bennett: Think of it this way. Maybe you two can find some common ground. Put the world right. Save us all.

& Carrie: It worked, Saul.

& Saul: You’re an amazing person, Carrie Mathison. Amazing.

--
On the IMDb

Poison Pen

Elementary 2×4

& Sherlock: So did you learn anything, Watson?
    Watson: Yeah. That you fight dirty.
    Sherlock: I fight without mercy. A habit you should develop if you hope to defend yourself against bigger, stronger opponents. Which may occur, unless we limit ourselves to investigating crimes committed by small children or large house cats.

& Sherlock: Hurry along, Watson. Dead body awaits.

& Mistress Felicia: New client looking for light CP and a little OTK.
    Captain Gregson: Excuse me?
    Sherlock: CP, corporal punishment. OTK, over-the-knee spanking.

& Watson: ’Cause when your night ends with a dead guy in a gimp suit, why not start your morning with a live one holding a bullwhip?

---

& Peri: So your client’s statement is that she couldn’t have killed her husband because she was too busy planning to kill her husband?
    Sherlock: First time in my career someone’s alibi for murder has been that they were busy planning the same murder. If it weren’t so frustrating, it would be interesting.

& Sherlock: Nothing so mundane as love.

& Sherlock: Abigail, she gave me a gift. A view inside a mind capable of murder.
    Watson: So she was your first...
    Sherlock: Killer, yeah. Without intending to, she... she helped me understand who I was and... and what I might do with my life.

& Watson: There are five air vents in this room.
    Detective Bell: And the capital of Michigan is Lansing. You know you’re starting to sound like your partner.

--
On the IMDb

Infected

The Walking Dead 4×4

Ω Just curious, why it’s always a full moon there?

& Michonne: Why don’t you wear your hat anymore?
    Carl: It’s not a farming hat.

& Carol: Are you okay?
    Daryl: Mm-hmm. Got to be.

---

& Beth: When you care about people hurt is kind of part of the package.

& Carl: You know if Patrick was Catholic?
    Carol: He said he was a practicing atheist.

--
On the IMDb

Σ Rick’s on his own. Yeah, that’s right.

Patriot Games

Revolution 2×4

& Miles: Rachel, this is Ed Truman, with the U.S. government.
    Rachel: I’m sorry, what U.S. government?
    Ed Truman: Up from Cuba.
Ω Hu-ho.

& Miles: And, Rachel... They’re calling themselves “Patriots.”
    Rachel: That word? They used that word?

& Miles: No, you’re not crazy. You do need to take a breath, though.

---

& Monroe: Don’t worry. I was a complete gentleman the whole time.

& Charlie: Well, this whole “poor wounded Monroe” thing, I mean, it’s pathetic. You’re a sociopath. You say what you need to get what you want. Behind the mask, you’re cold and empty... and a killer. That’s all.

& Rachel: What’s going on?
    Ken: I’m a Patriot, Rachel. I’m a Patriot.

& Rachel: They just burst into flames?
Miles: I can’t keep talking about it.
Ω Aaron’s superhero? Nice.

& Rachel: So what do we do?
    Miles: Well, this is an occupation. Every good occupation deserves a resistance.

--
On the IMDb