Tinkle Like a Princess

Two and a Half Men 7×16

& Alan: You want a drink?
    Charlie: No, drinking isn’t gonna solve anything.
    Alan: What are you doing?
    Charlie: Nothing.
    Alan: Really? Doesn’t look like nothing. Where you going?
    Charlie: Out for a swim.
    Alan: You never go in the water.
    Charlie: That’s because I’m not a good swimmer.

& Alan: Damn it, Charlie, get out of that water! We need to go after him.
    Berta: Well, don’t look at me. I just ate, I gotta wait a half an hour.

& Charlie: If I can’t have Chelsea, I don’t wanna live.
    Alan: Where you going?
    Charlie: Strip club.
    Alan: Ah, yes, death by lap dance.

& Charlie: Hey, Lord, it’s Charlie. I know it seems like I only call on you when my ass is on fire. But, well, let’s face it, that’s how you made me.

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& Alan: Uh, Charlie, it’s me again. It has been three days. Please call and let us know you’re okay... I think we should call the police.
    Berta: No, he’ll turn up. May be broke and riddled with gonorrhea... but he’ll find his way home.

& Betsy: All right, who’s who?
    Charlie: Well, this is my brother Alan. Alan, Betsy.
    Betsy: Hello, brother.
    Alan: Call me Alan.
    Betsy: Okay. He doesn’t look like such a mooch.
    Charlie: Okay, well, this is my mom, Evelyn... and she doesn’t look like such an Antichrist.
    Betsy: Hi, Mom.
    Evelyn: Call me Mrs. Harper.
    Charlie: This is my housekeeper, Berta.
    Berta: Don’t call me at all.
    Charlie: And lastly, this is Jake.
    Betsy: Oh, are you my son?
    Jake: I’ll be whatever you want me to be.

& Betsy: Charlie?
    Charlie: In here, baby.
    Betsy: Good news, bad news. I got my period.
    Charlie: Oh, that’s okay. We can take a break.
    Betsy: We don’t have to. There’s more than one way to skin a cat.
    Charlie: Oh, you are so wonderful.
    Jake: What are the other ways?

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On the IMDb