Keith Moon Is Vomiting in his Grave

Two and a Half Men 7×19

& Alan: Okay, so he’s not cool, and he eats a lot of crap... and his grades aren’t the best, and his personal hygiene is a little sketchy...
    Charlie: Is there a “but” coming?
    Alan: But he’s my son... and I love him. ... What’s so funny?
    Charlie: Mom says the same thing about you.
    Alan: Really? Mom says she loves me?!

& Eldridge: Alfalfa?
    Jake: He gives everyone nicknames. I’m Pumpkinhead, my dad’s the Sponge. Don’t even ask what he calls my grandma. It rhymes with “bitch...” Oh, wait, it is bitch. It rhymes with, uh...
    Eldridge: Ditch?
    Jake: No.
    Eldridge: Snitch?
    Jake: No.
    Eldridge: Itch?
    Jake: No.
    Eldridge: Man, this is boring.
    Jake: Hold on, I’ll think of it.

& Charlie: I met this advertising guy who needed a song about toothpaste. Before I knew it, I was rhyming “exhilaration” with “constipation.” “Open doors” with “cold sores.” And one I am particularly proud of: “Make a switch” with “feminine itch.”
    Berta: I hear you. When I came out here, I was hoping to be a dancer.
    Charlie: Really?
    Berta: Yeah. Then I met pot and doughnuts. Before I knew it, I was scrubbing toilets... and hosing teenage barf out of wicker baskets. Rhyme that, Beethoven.

---

& Charlie: Your son finally gets a friend and you’re gonna try to nail his mother?
    Alan: First of all, with a classy woman like Lyndsey, there’s no nailing. There’s, uh, dating and bonding and getting to know one another. Then, eventually, consummating the relationship... with mutual respect and caring.
    Charlie: Oh, grow up. This is a hot divorced mom from the Valley. You’re gonna need three penises and a set of jumper cables... just to get her attention.

& Alan: Don’t you judge me.
    Charlie: Why not?
    Alan: You’ve slept with one of Jake’s teachers... his den mother, his karate instructor, his ballet teacher and his aunt.
    Charlie: Great, so five wrongs make a right.
    Alan: What?
    Charlie: If I jump off a bridge and land on top of some broad Jake knows... that makes it okay for you to do it too?
    Alan: What?!
    Charlie: I think I’ve made my point.
    Alan: What?!!

& Alan: Can you keep a secret?
    Charlie: The real question is: “Can I remember a secret?”
    Alan: You were right.
    Charlie: That’s no secret.
    Alan: No, I mean about Lyndsey.
    Charlie: Who’s Lyndsey?
    Alan: Eldridge’s mom.
    Charlie: Who’s Eldridge?
    Alan: Jake’s friend? The drummer? Anyway, we did wind up having sex.
    Charlie: You and me?!
    Alan: You really need to get into a program. It’s not funny anymore.
    Charlie: Humor is very subjective.


--
On the IMDb