I Called Him Magoo

Two and a Half Men 7×20

& Berta: You know, Zippy, you remind me of a blind cat I used to have. Bumping into walls, stepping in his water dish. He was a hoot. I called him Magoo.
    Alan: Cute.
    Berta: No, he was ugly too.

& Alan: I’ve got a romantic night planned but need somebody to keep an eye on Jake. He’s grounded.
    Charlie: I got a better idea. Open the door and leave a trail of hamburgers... to the Army recruiting office. Everybody wins but America.
    Alan: Hey, uh, Berta, would you do me a favor?
    Berta: Oh, Magoo, always walking into walls...

& Alan: You don’t have to be responsible for him. Just let him see you. You know, the illusion of adult supervision.

& Lyndsey: Nevertheless, I do have a plan B.
    Alan: Oh, what’s that?
    Lyndsey: Plan B, Alan. It goes with my plan J.

& Jasmine: So, Charlie, how can I make you happy?
    Charlie: What are my choices?
    Jasmine: Well, you paid for the full girlfriend experience... so anything you want.
    Charlie: Anything I want. I like that. Okay. Read this magazine... while I watch SportsCenter. I want the girlfriend experience. That’s what my girlfriend used to do.
    Jasmine: Okay.
    Charlie: And every once in a while... look at me and sigh while rolling your eyes. ... Oh, baby, that’s what Daddy likes.

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& Alan: You stole drugs from your son?
    Lyndsey: It’s only fair. He stole my youth.

& Jasmine: And what kind of sex does Charlie want?
    Charlie: Oh. Hard to pick. It’s kind of like Baskin-Robbins. You know, if they charged a thousand dollars a scoop.
    Jasmine: And sprinkles are way extra.

& Lyndsey: You’re a good kisser, Alan.
    Alan: Thank you.
    Lyndsey: Better than my ex-husband.
    Alan: ... Oh. Well, good for me.
    Lyndsey: Course, he made up for it below the waist... if you know what I mean.
    Alan: ..... He had big feet?
    Lyndsey: Three of them, but only two wore shoes.
    Alan: ....... Lucky you.
    Lyndsey: Oh, don’t worry, size doesn’t matter to me.
    Alan: Good to know.
    Lyndsey: In fact, in this situation, the smaller the better.
    Alan: Um... you’re welcome?

& Lyndsey: What the hell was that?
    Alan: Um, I don’t know. Maybe the strawberries are fighting with the oysters. Uh-oh.
    Lyndsey: What?
    Alan: I think the oysters are making a break for it. Excuse me.
    Lyndsey: Are you gonna throw up?
    Alan: I wish. You might wanna turn the TV on. Loud.

& Charlie: How about you drag me to some boring museum so I can miss the Lakers game?
    Jasmine: It’s your money. Is it okay if I go take a shower?
    Charlie: Sure. I’ll be up in a bit... Still cheaper than getting married.

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On the IMDb

Σ Poor Charlie.