Two and a Half Men 3x9

Madame and Her Special Friend

& Alan: Jake!
    Jake: Yeah?
    Alan: Are you praying?
    Jake: ... It’s okay, I’m not in school.
    Alan: No, no, it’s fine. What are you praying for?
    Jake: I have a math test on Monday.
    Alan: Oh, so you’re praying for a good grade?
    Jake: No, that never works. I’m praying for the teacher to get sick.
    Alan: Have you considered just studying for the test?
    Jake: ... How would that help?

& Alan: Jake, reward without effort is meaningless. Money alone will not give you fulfillment.
    Jake: What about Uncle Charlie?

& Charlie: Are you going home?
    Berta: No, the opera, they can't finish until I sing.

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& Norma: Well, how am I supposed to get to my hair appointment?
    Alan: Gee, I’d say you really don’t need one. I think your hair looks lovely as it is.
    Norma: Well, aren’t you sweet. Are you homosexual?
    Alan: ... No. Just sweet. Listen, you don’t have to miss your appointment. I’ll drive you.
    Norma: You would do that for me?
    Alan: It would be my pleasure.
    Norma: Sure you’re not homosexual?
    Alan: Positive.
    Norma: You would’ve made a good one...

& Alan: I was talking about what I do for a living, and she said she wanted to invest. In me...
    Charlie: Invest in you? How?
    Alan: She wants to buy a building and create the Alan Harper Healing Center. Uh, chiropractic, acupuncture, uh, holistic pharmacy, aroma therapy...
    Charlie: Why don’t you just call it the Alan Harper House o’ Crap?

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+ quotes on the Imdb.