Two and a Half Men 3x14

Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

& Mia: This is such a beautiful sunset...
    Charlie: Thanks.
    Mia: “Thanks”? You’re taking credit for the sunset?
    Charlie: Well, no, not-not-not the sunset, per se, but I did buy a very expensive house on the beach so we can stand here and watch the sunset, so... thanks.

& Mia: Oh, Charlie, you don’t have to buy me expensive jewelry.
    Charlie: Okay, nothing but cheap crap from now on.
    Mia: It’s beautiful.
    Charlie: Read the inscription.
    Mia: “One month, two weeks, four days.” What-what does it mean?
    Charlie: Well, since we’ve decided to go ahead and consummate our relationship, finally, I thought I should honor the time we’ve already spent together... exclusively... in a committed relationship... without any sex... what-so-ever.
    Mia: So unless we have sex before midnight tonight, you’re going to need to buy a new bracelet?

& Mia: Well, since you went to all the trouble to engrave it...
    Charlie: Don’t even ask what I used as a chisel.

---

& Alan: Uh, well, Kandi, it’s like this. Charlie’s with another woman.
    Kandi: Don’t lie to me, Alan.
    Alan: Okay, uh... he’s in Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors without Borders.
    Kandi: Story of my life!
    Alan: That’s the story of your life?!
    Kandi: It’s not always a scrub nurse, but it’s always Africa.

& Berta: I made your bed.
    Charlie: Thank you.
    Berta: It’s been real easy lately... How nice for you. You haven’t even been flying solo, have you?
    Charlie: That’s a little personal, isn’t it?
    Berta: Hey, you want privacy, wash your own sheets.

& Jake: What if Dad says I can stay up to watch it?
    Judith: He won’t.
    Jake: How do you know?
    Judith: Your father and I talk about these things, so don’t try to play us against each other.
    Jake: I got to try. It’s what I do.

& Judith: What could you possibly have in common? What do you talk about?
    Alan: Talk?! To tell you the truth, we haven’t really done a lot of talking. I mean, I-I did hear her confession. She’s been a very bad girl.
    Judith: And I’m supposed to leave Jake here? What kind of message does that send him?
    Alan: I don’t know, dreams can come true? Life is beautiful? There is a God?

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On the Imdb.