Two and a Half Men 3x13

Humiliation Is a Visual Medium

& Mia: Charlie?
    Charlie: Yeah?
    Mia: We said we were gonna take things slow.
    Charlie: We did say that. I guess we can’t be trusted.
    Mia: Charlie, talk to me.
    Charlie: All right. You know what I’m gonna do to you, you dirty, filthy girl?
    Mia: No, not like that.
    Charlie: Wrong way? Am I a dirty, filthy boy?
    Mia: No, I wanna talk about us.
    Charlie: We’re a dirty, filthy couple.

& Charlie: Alan, guess what I did last night.
    Alan: Jake!
    Jake: I’m leaving.
    Charlie: No, Jake can hear this. Last night...
    Alan: Wait, wait. Hang on, Charlie. You’re about to tell us something that made you happy?
    Charlie: Yes.
    Alan: Jake!
    Jake: I’m leaving.

& Charlie: Jake, stay. I want to share this with my entire family.
    Jake: Okay, I’m leaving.
    Charlie: Berta, I consider you part of my family.
    Berta: Am I in your will?
    Charlie: No, but neither are the rest of them.

& Charlie: What happened last night is I may have started a meaningful relationship.
    Berta: Charlie, seriously, go sleep it off. You’re embarrassing yourself.

& Charlie: We’re waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.
    Evelyn: Well, we can rule out ecstasy. I mean, that’s a powerful aphrodisiac.
    Jake: Nowadays you’re supposed to say “African American-Disiac.”

---

& Charlie: This girl is different. And I’m gonna make it work.
    Berta: I give him another week before he’s out on the beach, humping wet sand.

& Charlie: I suggested that as long as we weren’t having sex... it’d be good for our relationship if I had sex with somebody else.
    Alan: And she didn’t buy that?
    Charlie: Wouldn’t even discuss it.
    Alan: Women, huh?
    Charlie: They say they wanna talk, but they don’t wanna talk.

& Alan: Maybe you can cheer him up.
    Jake: How?
    Alan: I don’t know. Tell him a joke.
    Jake: Okay. ... Hey, Uncle Charlie, what’s green, has four legs... and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?
    Charlie: ... What?
    Jake: A pool table.
    Charlie: ..............
    Jake: It’s funny because you wouldn’t expect it to be in a tree.
    Charlie: ..............
    Jake: Nothing.

& Alan: Still haven’t heard from Mia?
    Charlie: She won’t return my calls.
    Alan: You do realize that suggesting to have sex with other women... was a monumentally stupid thing to do.
    Charlie: Yes, Alan, I realize it. The question now, is how do I apologize?
    Alan: You mean grovel*.
    Charlie: No, I mean apologize with my dignity and pride intact.
    Alan: Oh, you sad, naive fool. If marriage taught me anything... it’s that there is no apologizing without groveling.

& Mia: Call me later.
    Charlie: Well, back to the mango tree.

& Jake: Is he in a better mood today?
    Alan: Yeah.
    Uncle Charlie, I got another joke for you.
    Charlie: Okay.
    Jake: There’s two muffins... sitting side by side in a muffin tin in the oven. One muffin says, “Boy, it’s hot in here.” And the other one says, “Holy crap, a talking muffin!”
    Charlie: ..............
    Jake: I just don’t think he knows what’s funny.

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grovel — пресмыкаться; унижаться

+ quotes on the Imdb.